Extreme ups and downs

[asr1927]

Hello,

In this moment im thinking very much on my life situation from time to time, and I need to share my lifestory and conflicts between inner peace and chaos inside me.

In my early/mid teens some awful things happened to me and my family, things also caused by me personally that effected all of us. I went into depression, didn't want to meet nobody, didn't talk to my friends and so on... And it took me some years to get through it. Then in my later teens/early twenties I found this extreme inner peace and alertness that Eckhart talks about. In that time I also lived in another country with new culture, people etc that I apreciated much more. People in my age then was very concerned with studies, finding partner, financial situation, career etc but I didn't care about that, I was so hooked in the presence and every day felt like a gift.

Now Im almost 25 years old and back in my old country, in another city were I go to university. I went there with an incredible inner peace and initialy i enjoyed life very much. Then something happened. I went into depression, my old pain body came back and I started worrying about what other people think. I felt suicidal and hopeless. Now afterwords I can see why: People/society are questioning me all the time. Im a bit of a loner, have never had a real girlfriend, have cut it off with those "friends" that just caused suffering before etc, have some special interests and so on... Its like I always need to explain why I live life the way I do, people are putting me in a box as some kind of loner/strange person.

I feel extreme loneliness from time to time, and I would like to meet a nice girl, but it seems that I cant find people that I enjoy spending time with. I feel that almost all people are so uncouncius and they are almost never interesting in my directly, just want to hang out with whoever. For that reason I often spend time alone instead of with these people. My friends in this new city are often very uncouncoius and talks regulary about what other people do (seen on social media), how life could be, past or future vacations etc. Never in the moment, never interested in deeper stuff. So, when Im alone i sometimes feel this extreme presence and enjoy just doing simple stuff, sometimes I feel depressed and want to share my life with a girl or good friends. Some days I wake up and feel very pleased with life, the other day I can wake up totaly depressed.

Im very happy with my life situation in general, my health, family, studies, my looks and have no social anxiety or whatever anymore. Last couple of years has been really nice and I've experienced so many beautiful things. Its not hard for me talking to new people and when it comes to girls they often like my presence and spending time with me.

So, I actually don't have any friends I should call "real friends" and have no experience of a realtionship... Before I used to think that it would "come with time", but as I wrote before, sometimes I'm so scared of being left alone all my life, stuck at some boring job with no friends or relationships. I feel lost and feel these extreme ups and downs in life. I have so much love to give, but often it feels like people just see me as some kind of reservfriend or something.

If there is somebody that has something to say on the subject or similar experiences it would be nice to hear

[painBody]

Hi asr !

Your experience, as I was reading it, reminded me of my own. I've always been extremely lonely, and have had very limited experience with women. I'll tell you why I think we go through this.

I think it has to do with the way you and I were conditioned, growing up, and in our early adulthood. Most loners are unique in some way, like they are either supremely intelligent or artistic, or are deep thinkers (like you and I clearly are). What happens, as a result of this conditioning, is that we stand out in the general public.

There is a "wolf pack" mentality among the general public. People like to "fit in", and so, they conform. They are afraid to think for themselves or of others who think for themselves (i.e. you and me). So, we often find ourselves on the outside looking in, wondering what we're doing wrong. We are not defective, we are not flawed, we are simply different, because of our conditioning. And, because we're different, and people are afraid of us (or of how they would be judged by others if they accept us), we are excluded from social circles.

An example of this wolf pack mentality is that anyone who doesn't listen to hip-hop (in America, where I am) is considered "uncool". You cannot "fit in" unless you like extremely foul language and language that extremely berates women.

To summarize, these people who are fully identified with their egoic identities, i.e. whatever they think is "cool" or "normal", refuse to accept people who don't match their standards. We are then misled into thinking that we're somehow inferior. The present (or conscious) are the minority in this world, the unconscious are the majority. And, we suffer as a result

Now, to the question of should we bother with "friends" and "relationships" ? Yes, they can be very fulfilling and we need them, but we must always be alert to the certainty that all people will let us down someday.

Hope this helps !

Finally, I'd like to quote a wonderful song from Suzanne Vega, called "Solitude Standing". I think you will be able to appreciate it It brings tears to my eyes, each time.

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I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark in the warm
I wanted to be in there among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one

And then she (solitude) turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame

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[asr1927]

Thanks for the answer painbody. You are very right on that, and even when people want to spend time with me, it's like im from another planet when it comes to values etc. I think thats the main reason I feel this loneliness and people like us will have to deal with it for the rest of our lives, with our experiences. Fortunately I have people I can spend time with, and need to accept them and our differences, but it can be hard. Also with girls its getting better and better and they are always, as almost all people, so surprised of my "lonely reality". The truth seems to be that very few people can imagine how REAL loneliness is like.

[Bangjingna]

Then I have to look at this, it was very deep, and it had to look to see what's good.