My concern might seem ridiculous, as we probably all, more or less, are ''stuck between being awake and driven by ego'', depending on the situation we find ourselves in etc (except maybe E.Tolle who seems to be awake and conscious all or most of the time).
My question is...I wonder...whether it is possible to accelerate the awakening process somehow, I feel stuck for two years now and it's pretty intense. It is two years ago that I had my first glimpse of ''I am not the thinker'' and since then, it seems like there is finally a meaning to life, that things actually makes sense, that this is the truth (we all are more than the mind...).
But real life is another thing...as thought this beginning of awakening made things so much more complicated. I've always been opinionated, with strong beliefs about what is right and wrong, morals...I am also the creative type and believed these ideas, what I create, my opinions, my views on the world, my principles etc. is Me, is who I am...who am I without it? No one, nothing...no me..., and that seems like the end for a person who's life ''depends'' on expressing opinions, being artistic, creating...writing a book for instance...where do these ideas come from...in my case, often from what I experienced/ felt in life, different situations: the material world.
The secret is to die before we die and it makes so much sense but I am truly struggling between ''being in the material world'' : keeping my opinions, views , ideas in order to stay creative and do my work and between the realization that this is not who I am, this is only superficial. How to deal with it? I can't just retreat to an island and meditate for the rest of my life, telling myself my opinions, and I am not who I thought I am etc.
Yet, everything seems much more meaningless and less important...as though standing up for some ideal, as I usually would, made no sense because people are mostly ego possessed anyway and nothing can truly be changed on the level of the material world.
My question is basically just: how do you reconcile the two...I have been struggling for over two years now, it feels like I am stuck not being able to find a meaningful occupation anymore, like E.Tolle when he quit university and was ''no one'' in the eyes of society for a while before he published his first book. Except he was fully awake and it happened over night. In my case , I feel like I am nowhere also but instead of being awake, Im stuck between being conscious and unconscious, which is blocking me completely, I can't function, exist and do my work the way I used to and neither can I fully enjoy life and admire it's beauty consciously.
It's more like: the voice in my head is constantly there, repeating the same and same things over and over again and although I am aware of it, I surrender to the voice and let my mind possess me because if i dont, who am I, how can I function in the world, what will people around me think...It is so weird...often times I am fully, fully aware that what I think, feel is unnecessary, artificially created (as it has been a million times before, by the mind)...I for instance recognize egos need to feel important...for instance can get very disappointed or angry if I feel like a friend doesnt pay enough attention,doesnt care enough, doesnt have enough time...( ''how is that possible, I would do anything and am so devoted and he or she is this and that, not available'' and so it stars and goes) the thoughts are always the same, the feelings that ensue are also always the same: destructive every time and yet, when I realize it (and also realize its always the same and happened so often and is useless), and although I perfectly realize all that, instead of letting it be, I start expressing my unhappiness at the situation or my anger ..because if I dont then I tell myself, its not me...I dont share my feelings with my friend and if i dont, it's all gonna come out sooner or later, i need this or else I am not me. And there are a lot of other examples...I am aware what the voice in my head keeps on repeating about my appearance and that it is oftentimes not true, I am aware of an event/situation/person triggering certain patterns of thoughts and the emotions that go with it etc.
And yet, its like a trap...I just cant stay aware and observe, I let myself be absorbed by the mind or else I feel like I am no one, like I dont exist, like I am dead. Who am I if I just sit there and observe...how can I function. I believe I basically Could get rid of the ego much more ( stop feeling the need to be successful , look good in the eyes of society, please other people, be conform to the ''norm'' that Eckhart calls insane) BUT I dont because I wouldnt have a place in this world anymore ( I cant go sleep on a bench and admire the beauty of the world and do my thing) I have responsibilities...a family, as we all do and therefore a need to earn and therefore a need to be able to function in society and I feel like if Id rid myself of ''who I am'', who I was all these years, Id turn into a lunatic. I feel like I just wouldnt be able to function in the world. I feel like I already 'started to not be able to function in the world'' anymore because the news on tv for instance seem ridiculous and I have no side to take: seems like humanity is more or less as insane as it used to be during wwI (as E.Tolle mentioned in his book). So yes, anyway... if I fully surrender to that, with such an attitude (''this world is insane, makes no sense cause everyone is driven by ego'') how can you create something, change world for the better?
Im stuck, I am not sure what to do...I am aware that my fear of ''losing it all'', losing control, losing Myself also comes from the voice in my head and that its probably nothing but an illusion but I feel so so so stuck, dont know which direction to take ( again, a problem my mind created , I created myself, and yet its there ) . So one one hand I have...staying in the material world, continuing to function like 90% of the population and being responsible in taking care of my family and duties...on the other hand ''letting myself go'' and instead of letting the mind take over, work on observing and changing my life for the better but that would also mean I wouldnt be like everyone else and wouldnt be able to be myself anymore (talking without the space, being my thoughts opinions, creations, everything I thought was I).
What can I do? I feel like I have done nothing productive these past two years since the slow beginning of my awakening and its been the way i described above for a while now (struggling between two ''realities) .

Im am so sorry for the long message, I got carried away...had this on my mind for such a long time now and it feels good to share. If anyone has advice, went through a similar experience or anything you have to share actually, I would be very grateful ! Thank you. Lea