Losing Who I Am and other 'Thoughts'

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Losing Who I Am and other 'Thoughts'

Postby Clare » Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:47 am

Hi Everyone,

It's a long time since I have been to this site, and I have really enjoyed reading the posts. I haven't yet read the new book, but I have it on order.

There's a lot going on right now that I could do with some persepctive on, if that's okay. I'm going to try a new style of posting, where I don't give a little essay or story, but instead just post from the heart what could be helpful to get insights on.

First thing: Fresh back from a weekend of healing traiinng in which I came face to face with my ego self and also felt inthe most intense way my Higher Self - my Being, I can honestly say that I am hard pushed to choose between the two. All this time I have been opening up to lose my ego, without much luck, and I find it's because I am quite atttached to it. I am afraid of losing my character if I lose my ego. I like her: she's funny, for one; she is endearing to me in a way, and I know her. There is this other me that is nothing like my personality, and I am afraid of not having a personality if I go there. It feels like, if I choose to make this step - and the step is being literally proffered to me- I am going to somewhere that I will never come back from. I am afraid I will die - not literally, but nevertheless I wont be who I am now anymore.

Having said that, it's getting very hard to be me, which makes it all rather ridiculous. Life gets more painful with every day. Since I came back from the course, it's been even worse. I actually have not been able to move my limbs until late morning since I came back. This is due to being locked in incredible emotional pain - a pain body so great it is paralysing me. I watch this pain now and have all kinds of mechanisms for coping with it, and by lunchtime I am moving and operative. But I actually do think I am dying on some level. I feel very sorry for my husband and all that are around me.

Second thing: This pain body has been brought in these final stages by a major betrayal in my family, on top of a string of disappointments this year. I have lost half of my family. My sister's incredible control mechnisms just got too much for me and I handled it badly and just told her to get out of my life, and she's taken my two beloved nephews and my beloved niece with her. I am very angry with my sister. I am lost in a miasma of terrible energy on one hand, and on the other I am doing all I can to work on other levels to keep me from going under. On this course, rather humorously this looked like incredible strength and wisdom. It is extraordinary to me how much help is available out there if we ask, but at the same time, I do feel helpless in the face of the crap going on my life. I can't get away from myself, no matter how much better I can sense there is. This is causing me great despair.

I am tired of trying, and I am tired of not trying. Any suggestions what I should do now?

Love and thanks
Clare

And as an edit: I have read some of my older posts and I realise just how far I have gone backwards. But it's a strange phenomenon - on the one hand, getting where I was eight months to a year ago ended up pushing me into this. It was as if I gained a little bit of presence, and suddenly all hell broke loose! Has that happened to anyone else?
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Postby spatialbean » Fri Nov 18, 2005 7:17 am

Hi Clare,

May I respond to you privately?



Thanks!
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Postby Clare » Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:12 pm

Hi Spatial bean,

Thank you for your consideration. I think you can contact me privately on here by sending me a personal message. There's a personal message icon in my profile. It's funny, I tried to deactivate it once due to not having the time to respond to personal messages, but now I would be happy to receive any feedback on this.

Thanks
Clare

PS: On reading this this morning it does seem very personal. I'm sorry about that, I was just trying this speaking from the heart thing; and you have to understand, I train in a technique of healing that just states things pretty much in the raw as a means to get through them. I also chose to speak about it on here due to the people contributing are not directly involved in my life. This actually seems too personal to share with those who are very close to me, if that makes any sense - I don't want to alarm or hurt anyone, and they just are not in the same place I am on a development level, not better or worse, just different.

Thanks again.
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Postby heidi » Fri Nov 18, 2005 3:27 pm

Dear Clare -
I too am being faced with releasing the pain body in a similar way. I find that the deepest PB is delivered by family, and it seems they are very unconscious of it. We are animals who have a history of packish behavior where we were dependent on each other for survival. So much of that residual pain body seems to rise from that essence. We don't "need" our pack any more. I have found that, if you speak your truth often times it only creates more drama, and so it's been easier for me to use avoidance tactics. It's hard to explain, but you can love unconditionally and still not enable dysfunctional behavior.

Enter the ego, who would like for you to have the power to correct those around you, bend them to your will, validate your righteousness. I still fall into that trap, but the last time it happened it was so unpleasant, I am ultra conscious of it now. Here come the holidays - whoopie! Exam time.

Does the pain body exist to keep the ego alive?
Is this emptiness and depression actually grief over the prospect of letting the ego go? Does the ego say, Clare, if you kill me, your power and wit will be dead, too? Then who will you be?

I'm going to speak personally here because I think we all share a lot of what Clare has brought up about the ego. Clare, you are so smart, you have a stinging wit that is truly impressive. I think, (as I release my own addictions which are also ego/pain body struggle) that we are experiencing grief, the loss of a "companion." I think of it as just another dysfunctional relationship that can be released - like a bad marriage.

That said, I don't think you've gone backwards, I think you're just experiencing a low point in your pattern - ebb and flow - like inhaling and exhaling, we all have these patterns, your's is just a bit more manic (that is not a negative term, it is an indication of higher highs and lower lows) - and you are honest enough to show yourself here. In that truth, I believe there is healing.

Sending love and light across the waters to you.
Heidi
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Postby spatialbean » Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:02 am

I don't know why I suddenly got shy about posting a reply. I keep rhyming lately.

Yeah, your ego is kicking up a storm I would say because it senses you at that crossroads of finally saying goodbye to it, manifesting all sorts of things to challenge you. Physical pain, emotional pain being tossed into your path.

I don't know you as the others here do, so I don't know your experiences, but don't mistake your ego for your personality. Your personality will stay intact, the baloney is what goes away. I worried about this because I liked who I was. Well, that person is still here, she's just not angry all the time anymore, she's not hurt all the time, she worries very little and smiles a LOT. You still prefer pancakes to waffles but now you won't throw yourself on the floor and kick and scream if you don't get them.

I know you are tired of trying, but can you do baby steps? When the pain comes, any kind, can you just feel it for two seconds? No thought, just feel. If the tears come let them flow. Don't name them or say "this is my sister" just let them flow. Then move on to feeling it for three seconds, no thought. If you need to spend the day just sleeping, allow it, can you give that to yourself?

My brother and I have a similar relationship as you and your sister do. Children remember who loves them. They know and they will seek you out. I don't know how old they are, but perhaps you could ask your sister to have a truce with you so that you may have a relationship with the children.

Anyway Clare, I hope you are feeling better today and continue to post how you are doing.

Love,
Claudia
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Postby Clare » Sat Nov 19, 2005 2:07 pm

Crikey, what you both have said has made so much sense.

Of course that's why things have got so hard this year. The truth is I did a massive amount of spiritual transformation last year, and then I started getting seriously into PON, and then all hell broke loose in my life. Other people have said it to me in other ways. One of my friends said that he just saw that I was on a 'big clearing' for new energies coming in. Every single one of my insecurities and neuroses has come out to party, doing the conga and blowing streamers in my face.

And of course, the ego talks you into thinking "this is real. This is who you are. You'll never be more than this, and if you try, you'll die". The final call being that my family, who I feel on a core level that I need desperately more than any other thing in my life, and the children, who I love so dearly and are so precious to me now since there is no definite that I'll be able to have any of my own, are held away from me, with that final fatal threat.

Y'know something, I have realised I spend more time recently trying to deal with my feelings and fears than I do anything else. I don't get on with my writing, or being of service, or being creative, no, I'm too busy trying to wrestle myself into a place where I can do those things. However, when I am forced to do those things by matter of circumstance, I find I do them effortlessly, and very successfuly DESPITE all the other crap. At this healing course last week, I was just talking to people and doing healing balances, and people were coming up to me and hugging me in thanks and saying how much they appreciated what I had done, or what I had said, or how I had helped them. And I go back to my room and sit there thinking: "What is wrong with me? Let's deal with it because I am feeling so f*^% up at the moment".

I am NOT! That's it! What's F&^$ up is me thinking that!

Heidi, your personal mail to me really helped this realisation. I suddenly laughed at my own presumptions, and thought,"Yeah, right"and this deep seated confidence in my own stability came in. Despite being a wreck on the surface, I finally looked at it and started laughing, because I could see, almost holographically, how this messed up 'persona' was rushing about trying to distract me, and everyone else, from this complete knowing, this complete ableness.

Why is it that we fool ourselves so much? The ego is a trickster isn't it? That's why I associate it with my humour. But I do have two types of humour: the first is the stinging wit you talk of Heidi, that when I think of it, is often pulled out to impress people, just that, and that is all ego; the other is unselfconscious often joyful delight at the strangenes and the whackiness of the world and most of all, myself, and that, I now see, I could never lose.

And also I too have been losing my addictions. I drank a lot -
not in any way people would have noticed as a problem. It was only a problem because I knew it was. In my core, I knew I was drinking for all the wrong reasons. So I stopped after my fortieth birthday. No help, no meetings, just stopped. Was able to do it for most of the time. Then every now and again, if I was feeling particularly desperate, i woud crave alcohol. If I gave into it, I saw why it was such a problem in my life. It literally was like a key to open the door to my shadow self. I became angry, paranoid - like my worst aspects magnified. This had never happened before. It was new. But because I had pinpointed the problem, every time I gave into it is was like the angels said "Turn it up loud so that she can hear it!"

It's just another part of the old ego that needs to die off.

But I'll survive.... I will survive. (cue Gloria Gaynor) :lol:

Somehow I don't think my sister will keep to her vow, nor will it ever stop the love I feel for those children reaching them. or them reaching me. It's likea big boogey man trying to scare me. Oh no, not I.... :)

Love and thanks for this,
Clare (Singing: "First I was afraid, I was petrified...kept thinking I could never Leeiiive without you by my side.." ) Hey, this should be put in the thread about songs that are about presence! We should all sing it to that monumental bad penny in our life that keeps turning up - our egos.
:lol:
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Postby be-lank » Sat Nov 19, 2005 9:39 pm

Dear Clare,

I don't mean to be a downer, but that song is the Ego!

I read the posts and felt Wow! I loved them. We are people becoming human beings- beautiful and divine. We are being born- and this pain
we all share is the pain of this birth. We're all in this together, we're all doing Great!

Let's remember that resistance is that which keeps us from our True Self, the One Self.

The ego is not the bad guy. The ego- the sense of separation- is the lead actor in this show. "Without delusion there would be no enlightenment." Judging the ego- is the ego.

The ego is simply a false idea that was necessary- to fall asleep, to dream, so we can wake up- for a deeper Realization of who we really are.

The ego isn't even real. And when we judge it as bad, we are making it real. (One of its many tricks!)

Trying to get rid of the ego- is also the ego.

Completely accepting the forms that the now takes- within and without-
even the form of resistance, is the way to dissolve the ego.

The ego has to have enemies. And if it calls itself one- it'll take it.

There is no ego. There is only God. And God is who we are!

The power of the universe is in each of us. What ego?
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Postby Clare » Sun Nov 20, 2005 12:39 am

Good points, Be-lank.

I think I just got caught up for a minute in a manic upswing of disco glitter ball pirate-drag consciousness.

But you are right, Separation is never a true thing.

Or sometimes in the midst of our fun is the truth.

:)
Clare
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Postby kiki » Sun Nov 20, 2005 1:29 am

Good answer to Clare, Be-lank. Most people are "being human", having forgotten the 'being' that the human has arisen within. We are all too familiar with the 'human' end of it - it's "time" to wake up to the 'being' and then embrace the 'human'.
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Postby Clare » Sun Nov 20, 2005 2:06 am

It was a good answer to me, Be-Lank. Kiki is right and so are you.

Thanks to everyone for their support, kindness and lack of judgement. I really appreciate it :)

Love, Clare
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Postby heidi » Sun Nov 20, 2005 3:12 am

Great tune, upbeat; been singing it all day, thanks Clare. Hasnothing to do with the ego with me; it's just rhythm and power (not ego). There is nothing wrong with hope, and it is a very present thing, it is the product of vision - And GUESS WHAT? We are visionaries!. Vision is not living in the future, it is living in the now with the vision. No ego need apply. XO
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Postby weopposedeception » Thu Nov 24, 2005 4:23 am

Trying to kill the ego is useless. It's like digging a hole to get rid of your shadow. I remember a 3 stooges episode where they take a balloon with a scary face painted on it and attach it to Curly's collar, he goes running around, thinks this monster is chasing him.
Anytime I resist what is in front of me, that means I'm identified with this fictitious character, the ego. It's job is to create drama and conflict by superimposing it's will on top of God's will. My ego is rarely satisfied with what is. It doesn't realize that the pendulum swings both ways in life. My ego wants to force the pendulum to the "good for me" side and hold it there. Unfortunately, it doesn't know what's good for me. It sees only a tiny fragment of the whole story and assumes it knows all.
I have found acceptance to be the best tool. Accept everything, even the fact that you're resisting, accept that too. Your ego will leave you and go to the unemployment office. If it's in front of you, then it's supposed to be there. Flow with it, resistance is futile and painful.
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Postby heidi » Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:04 am

Your ego will leave you and go to the unemployment office.

:) :) :lol:
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Postby Clare » Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:34 am

Thanks, W.O.D,

Yes, it can be easy to forget that resistance is just more ego. I feel a alot of people misunderstand the ET concept, and try to stop their thoughts from happening. Try to be something.

FWIW, I don't feel that was what I was doing in recalling the old Gloria Gaynor number. I was just amusing myself, if no one else. It was very tongue in cheek.

And there's an incrediible nowness in dancing around in a silver disco suit, just for a while :wink:

As long as I Know how to love, I Know I'll stay alive.
Love, Clare
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Postby be-lank » Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:01 pm

Happy Thanksgiving All!

The following is from an E-card.
An animated Turkey wearing a black.
She is singing the disco song, “I will survive.”
Only the lyrics have been changed.

“At first I was an egg. I was petrified.
Kept thinking I’d be lost or get cracked and fried.
But you took me to your nest
before it was too late.
And kept me warm, and help me incubate.

And now you’re back.
Think you’re the boss.
Wanna put me on a plate.
Next to your wife’s cranberry sauce.

I should have known this day would come.
I should have known not to relax.
If I thought for just one second
you would come in here with that ax.

Go On Now Go!
Walk out the door.
Just turn around now.
Ain’t chopping my head to the floor.

Weren’t you the one who prized
this dark meat on my thighs?
Did ya think I’d gobble?
Did ya think I’d lay down and die?

On no Not I!
I will survive.
Oh, as long as I know how to peck
I know I’ll stay alive.

Got my wings so I won’t fall.
Ain’t selling me to Butterball.
I will survive.
Hey! Hey!


It’s Turkey Day! Live it up!”
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