today I experienced my own "cage" in very painfull way. really painfull. And I cannot cope with that. The feeling of being disapointed remains
in me and I cannot cope with it. I was like about: Today I was getting rid of my egos. The filling acompanying it was simply the feeling
like washing myself up from a dirt. Like becoming clean of "personal" dirt. So I came back home and went to bed because I was tired
(or at least my ego was tired of that

making hard resistance so it felt like putiing a grill cricket into a cold water. So it was. And then we went to the veterinarian with our ill dog.
And I tried to be present but I find it hardly in company of my dad who is really "phony" and I'm just disapointed that MY DAD behaves so strange sometimes...
and that I like to try to be conscious and that he... he isn't aware of my tryings..... he is just blind... it's so sad... so I fell so alone... but that was not
the problem which made me sad... while in a doctor he put some termometer in my dogs ass to measure the temperature... and I couldn't stand the look
of it and went out... and in corridor there was soooooo nice girl sitting... really beautifull brunette with nice face and polite eyes... and I really wanted
to scream "hey theyr'e puttin a thermometer in my dogs ass!" and make her funny and smile... but... my ego switched on with so power that
I couldn't do nothing... It's like a cage... always when I wan't to say something funny my ego acts like Im it's prissoner and it keeps me in total misery...
I just missed the occasion and went out for a cigarette and then this girl looked into my eyes through the glass... so nice.... and I missed the fact
I could just talk to her... maybe even never see her again but I really can't forgive myself missing this beautifull little moments
which could make my life worth living... and NO... my ego keeps me in trap and I can't live normally.... keep me trapped... and then makes me worry
I can't live normally... let's say... fluently... You understand what I mean??? In the grip of ego.... dreadfull... can't deal with that... any reason?? any advice???
help.