Rough week

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.
Post Reply
seekerjon
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:17 pm

Rough week

Post by seekerjon » Wed Dec 12, 2007 5:53 pm

This week so far has been rough at times almost unbearable my painbody is active almost always ever since I fell into my depression 3 years ago its been active all day long there really is no relief. Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing is helping or not, I mean it seems the more I go into these feelings the crappier I feel. Yesterday had to be the worse of it I had to drive to Philadelphia and memory after memory of my ex girlfriend kept coming up and by the time I came home and just brokedown. I just started thinking of how happy she is now and how I just want to feel happiness something I haven't felt in about 3 years. My parents told me I need to stop feeling my emotions I need to find a distraction so I don't always focus on them but they don't understand I tried that and my emotions won't allow me freedom.

After spending 3 years running from them and hiding the pain from people I realize I am only hurting myself by hiding my feelings trying to stuff them down. I mean why should I hurt myself at the expense of other people just so I can look like a tough guy. I have no choice but to feel it because if I complain about it, it makes it worse, if I think about i, it makes it worse so thats it just feel it. I never really feel a peaceful moment it seems when one painful feeling passes another come. This morning though I felt some happiness but then the doubts came back "your doing this wrong, you need to stop diving into your feelings, you can't let people see you like this and so on and so on." So now I have tension again in my face I feel fear again.

I just keep telling myself this too will pass I know it will but pass into what? Another painful feeling? Will I ever have relief from this? I mean this pain helps me stay present but sometimes its just so overwhelming.

D'ray
Posts: 187
Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 7:01 pm
Location: Something Now-ish ;)

Re: Rough week

Post by D'ray » Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:44 pm

There is a thin line between being your emotions vs. accecpting/seeing your feelings. But the clarity when you see the shift is enormous. There is Peace eventhough you experince "shitty" emotions or thoughts.

Why would you want to feel negative emotions? It so absurd question but still many many people are caught up in them. There must be even a tiny "painbody" left if you keep having the negative emotion in you. Would the real you, observing consciousness, have any destructive emotion/thought loops running in you? I keep asking myself these kind of questions because then I understand my true being and see the "little me" really nothing else but as "the little me", ego.

Why do I think this way? Why do I feel this? I prefer to feel happy. What am I really? What is having this kind of emotion/thought? Where is it? I certainly don't make these thoughts/emotions.
There's no "I" to become enlightened. The "I" can have spiritual experiences.

DON'T resist the RESISTANCE! The resistance is there. Walk into it. Feel it. Become one with it.

seekerjon
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:17 pm

Re: Rough week

Post by seekerjon » Wed Dec 12, 2007 6:57 pm

Yes D'Ray you are so right I say the same thing to myself why have these negative thoughts or emotions, why complain worry and so on ,because it just puts us through pain. If we know its unnecessary to do this and we still do it why it's just insane. The problem I see is that we want to avoid these emotions because we are taught from society that if you have these emotions you are weak and strong men do not cry and such. But now I see it a different way, I see that you become a stronger person through your emotions that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

User avatar
astaroth
Posts: 75
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:26 pm
Location: behind the screen

Re: Rough week

Post by astaroth » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:03 pm

Forget about staying present. You can't do anything to change your situation by presence. Presence is not mentally doing anything (like "observing the thoughts" - you do already observe, otherwise you wouldn't even recognize them).
There's a movie ging on in your head. It's really a painful movie. Let your thoughts flow by, one after another and allow yourself not do anything about them. See them from a detached perspective - but this "seeing from a detached perspective" is not a goal, nothing you have to do. It happens by itself when you don't touch the the thoughts. See them coming, see them going.

See every (!) kind of thought as what it is: a thought. Seeing happens without any effort. Thoughts are just percieved.

When the mind says: Yes, now I'm doing it right! and then just more painful thoughts come, you haven't done anything correctly or wrongly. Any kind of judgment is also a thought. See, it is a flow. Thoughts arise, you don't create them. You can't do anything about them. A thought arises and then one more and then one more. The belief that you are the author of these is what makes you think you have to do something about them. See the movie in your head. Don't touch the thoughts. They have their own movement and you can't control them at all.

Hope this will help. I know depression from personal experience ;) It seems like there will never be an end and no matter where you turn, the ugly shit inside never goes away. Like a prison. Let the ugly shit do what it likes to. A thought always goes away. It is just a wrong perspective that makes you think that there is a depression. "Depression" is a mental story.
In the reality of now there is alaways only one thought. And if you see a thought without doing anything with the thought, without any effort to change it, it is taken away naturally by "the flow". See for yourself what that means. Of course, the mind, the "me", will try to jduge the thought, make a depression-story around it and wish that that it will go away. Only more thoughts, a whole new moment, all taken away by the flow.

After a while when you can see the flow of thoughts, the mental movie, focus a bit more on the silence, which is always between two thoughts. See what happens.

astaroth

edit: I think the last two posts are very dangerous, seekerjon. Not wanting these negative thougts/emotions to be there is what keeps them alive. In the reality of what you are, there is no preference about any content of the present moment. You have absolutely no control what the next or this moment will bring. To have this control, this is the big illusion.
...you might remember me from such educational films as "Zen for couch-potatoes - The wisdom of never doing anything" or "Buddha from da hood - Was he a brother?"

D'ray
Posts: 187
Joined: Mon May 28, 2007 7:01 pm
Location: Something Now-ish ;)

Re: Rough week

Post by D'ray » Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:56 pm

astaroth you are right, but my point was not to deny your feelings. It was to notice your pain body who creates the drama and dwells on them.
There's no "I" to become enlightened. The "I" can have spiritual experiences.

DON'T resist the RESISTANCE! The resistance is there. Walk into it. Feel it. Become one with it.

Post Reply