Failure

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Failure

Postby Clare » Thu Mar 02, 2006 10:45 pm

How do you get present about it?

I am not smart enough to pass this course.

There are twenty-somethings sailing through it.

I must be dumber.

Anyways, I spent a month workng harder than I have for anything in my life - and I am failing. I just seem unstructured.


My pain body is HUGE. It's torturing me.

The "I am so not good" card is being played. Trumping like the elephant it
is.
It never forgets.

grateful
Clare
"The day is full of birds.
Sounds like they're saying words."

Kate Bush - "Aerial"
:)
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Postby heidi » Fri Mar 03, 2006 12:10 am

Oh Clare, There's probably nothing I can say that'll make you feel better, but I'll try. I can only speak from my own experience of being rejected from this juried show year after year. The first time I was broken, the second time I realized how subjective it is; the 3rd time it didn't matter anymore, as some of the rejected pieces went on to win first prizes in other shows. You might surprise yourself that, perfectionist I know you to be, you're doing better than you think you are. And, if not, maybe it's not what you're meant to be doing?

I guess on the Tolle end, it would be that you can dis-identify with this image of yourself, accept things as they are, know that all is as it should be, and move on. Realize that your ego is loving this distress, for without it, you'd be free! :) Your "smartness" never ceases to amaze me, and I'm really smart, he he.

Lots of love and hugs and comfort from me to you.
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Postby spatialbean » Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:32 am

Awww Clare! Bummer! What can we say that won't sound trite in the face of you feeling miserable? Not a whole heck of a lot. Heidi said what can be said. Just know we all hug you and none of us see you as a failure in any way!

Maybe can you sit with the sadness and do what Tolle says? Feel it not think it? The thinking is what keeps it alive and keeps it churning. Like Heidi says, the ego is lovin' this because it gets to mess around some more.

Be with this moment. Don't project into the future, don't compare, the ego loves to compare. Make this moment the highest quality that you can make it, and that is by bringing presence into it. Allow it to unfold on its own. Allow it to bring a gift to you.

Love,
Claudia
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Postby be-lank » Fri Mar 03, 2006 2:11 am

I
Love
You
grateful
Clare
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Postby phil » Fri Mar 03, 2006 4:37 pm

I remember my teens and twenties when I'd go chasing after gals, who had no interest in me whatsoever.

Like so many, I had that charming combination of being both insecure and really picky, um, I mean a man of exceptionally refined tastes.

Anyway, I'd chase this one and that. Or was too chicken $#%@ to chase that one or this. Or I'd make some happy arrangement, and then it would collapse after a few months. Or I'd make a happy arrangement, only to discover my new love wanted to date both me, and her last boyfriend, and maybe her next boyfriend, all at the same time. A multi-tasker! Or somebody would chase me, but I'd be too dumb to get it, etc, etc.

On and on the drama went, seemingly without end. What was wrong with me, what was I doing wrong, blah, blah, blah, blah, all hours of day and night.

And then Kathy happened. And it all started making sense.

Any one of the girls I'd chased could have become a fatal distraction from the one I was born to be with.

So every time something started working, Somebody would pull the rug out, and say, "Not yet, please stand by, we have plans for you."

But of course I wasn't listening to Somebody, thinking I was the somebody who was in charge.

We take so much credit, and so much blame, for stuff we have nothing whatsoever to do with.
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Postby heidi » Fri Mar 03, 2006 4:57 pm

So every time something started working, Somebody would pull the rug out, and say, "Not yet, please stand by, we have plans for you."

But of course I wasn't listening to Somebody, thinking I was the somebody who was in charge.

We take so much credit, and so much blame, for stuff we have nothing whatsoever to do with.


Phil, this is so eloquently eloquent, even Clare couldn't have said it better her eloquent self. And those words were exactly what I needed to "hear" this morning. Thanks!
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Postby summer » Fri Mar 03, 2006 5:10 pm

So true, Phil,

Life has its own way of flowing like a river, :)

Something that helps me when I notice the pain body energy is to remember to not pay much attention to the content of the thoughts.
"I am a failure" being a good example. The mind probably has another hundred similar thoughts to really "beef up" this identity.Yet if I can ask myself "Who is thinking this thought?", it can sometimes interupt the momentum.

This question "who am I?" can only really be answered in the present moment. So even though the negative thoughts may still continue, it does seem to interupt the onslaught of the spiral.
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Postby phil » Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:04 pm

heidi wrote:And those words were exactly what I needed to "hear" this morning. Thanks!


On behalf of Whoever typed that one, you're welcome Heidi, and thank you too.
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Postby spatialbean » Fri Mar 03, 2006 6:08 pm

Clare,

Thank you for your initial post and your honesty about your humanity. It has generated some beautiful reminders for us all.

Hope you are feeling better about the whole deal.

Love,
Claudia
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Postby Clare » Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:23 pm

You guys are like a magic potion for the soul. I'm so fortunate (even when I am unfortunate).

Thank you. To all of you.

The hug, the stories, the wisdom....blessed is me (bad engish!) .

Y'mean my ego is enjoying this? Whaa? You intuitive or something? :)

And yes, Phil, something is wrong here. Otherwise, it would have been right. And in the end, Kathy was just there? It worked?

EDit: "I am a failure". Yes, big thought, - big ego. I awoke this morning full of tears and regrets and outside my window there was a bird singing. Singing it's heart out. Not a blackbird, some other bird - I've never heard it in London before. And it was the only one, and it was there. In the middle of the city it was singing this beautiful song as if it was vocalising light. And I understood. It's not so bad. I just have to listen.


Thanks and love,
Clare
"The day is full of birds.
Sounds like they're saying words."

Kate Bush - "Aerial"
:)
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Postby spatialbean » Sat Mar 04, 2006 1:54 am

Beautiful Clare!!
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Postby be-lank » Sat Mar 04, 2006 5:18 am

"I awoke this morning full of tears and regrets and outside my window there was a bird singing. Singing it's heart out. Not a blackbird, some other bird - I've never heard it in London before. And it was the only one, and it was there. In the middle of the city it was singing this beautiful song as if it was vocalising light. And I understood. It's not so bad. I just have to listen."

This made me tingle all over, Clare.
Thank-you
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Postby phil » Sat Mar 04, 2006 2:58 pm

Clare wrote:And in the end, Kathy was just there? It worked?


Foolish me, I left off the ending of my little story. After watching rented love story movies with Kathy for decades, I should know you DON'T change the channel just before the ending! :-) Yes, 25 years and counting this month. Definitely worked out. Thanks for asking.

I really can relate to your story though. I've been self employed since 1980. Some years you bust your butt with great focused energy, and the end of the year comes, and you've LOST money.

You sit there at the kitchen table finishing up your tax form, and look up at the Great Surf Shots Calendar hanging on the wall, and silently curse yourself for a year spent working instead of surfing.

And more often than sometimes the cursing emerges from the silence! :-0 Been there more than once, know what I'm talking about!

And then there was the year I made more in one year than all the other 25 years put together. And had a ton of fun doing it. Who knew that was coming? Not me! It blasted out of nowhere, and then returned to nowhere, all on it's own.

The key factor in making that year happen was that my previous career had hit the skids, and I was so annoyed I was willing to risk it all and try anything new.

Without the dramatic failure, there would have been no dramatic success.

My Mom had died just before that. My sense is she called a meeting of all the dead relatives and said, "He's never gonna get this on his own, we'd better pull a rabbit out of the hat, or he'll be begging quarters off us when he gets here."

Morale of the story. Ya just never know what's around the next corner, or who's pulling the strings on your behalf.
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Postby Clare » Sat Mar 04, 2006 9:42 pm

Thanks Phil for turning the channel back. I love happy endings :) And for the other stories. Hmmm..Lose all, risk everything - sometimes it takes that to makes us pull on our true inner strength.

But..I have to say if I felt dumb earlier this week, I feel even dumber now.

I passed. Grade B.

I think (ha!) that I was just so consumed with the pain body that this killer of a course brought up - the memories, and the base insecurities, and just simply losing myself in the fatigue and the pressure, I forgot how illusory all that stuff is.

Now I just wonder how much better my life would have been for the past month if I had known this would be the result?

Insecurity is a waste of time.

And if it happens to be that you called on your deceased relatives, PHil,
in a conspiracy with Heidi and the rest of you here, to pull this off for me, all i can say is.....THANK YOU!!!!! :D
"The day is full of birds.
Sounds like they're saying words."

Kate Bush - "Aerial"
:)
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Postby heidi » Sat Mar 04, 2006 10:09 pm

Ha ha ha, I knew you were doing fine! :) What a perfect example of how the mind/ego can cause such pain, and it's all imagined!

Congratulations, Clare.
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