My Awakening

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.
E1lycat
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My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Mon Dec 08, 2008 3:05 pm

Helo! I'd like to share my experiences so far.

Brief background. I can't be 100% sure about this, but as far as memory serves, I had an enlightening episode when I was about 10 years old, which lasted for a few months. Then I hit puberty, and it was lost in the winds of identity-seeking, ego-mindedness, and hormones. Heh heh. During and after teen years I struggled with depression, anxiety, emotional disorders, self harm, pain pain and more pain.. I've recently come off antidepressants, which I think fired up the whole awakening process again.

My first awakening was a few months back, before I read PON. I felt like I was being torn apart by the pain of my attachments to my partner, my family, my possessions, my achievements, basically everything I thought I was. I was with my bf, asking him if he still loved me, and could accept me and love me for the crazy things I do. And he held me firmly, looked into my eyes and said, "I love you for WHO YOU ARE". I don't know if he meant the real me, the I am, or the me he's attached to or what.. but his words cut through every layer of pain and suffering I was going through, seemingly reached the deepest part of me, and my mind stopped. I couldn't breathe. And with that, came the most incredible, deep sense of humility, love and peace. I couldn't speak, I just held him, and he went to sleep in my arms, bless him. I was looking around and everything in that incredibly messy room, including him, seemed to radiate with a light from within. I found myself staring at his dirty laundry, and it was GLOWING for heaven's sake. I couldn't do anything, just sit there with my head down and feel this overwhelming love and peace flow out from within me. It lasted for a few minutes, then my mind turned on.. or rather, I found myself worrying again and turning on the computer.

I have yet to have that experience again. But then I went searching for a way out of the pain, and I found PON, and i'm slowly relinquishing these painful attachments to the things that seem to matter so much. Not to mention this massively dense pain body I've been carrying around. I never realized how almost EVERYTHING in my life causes me pain, and how my pain body leeches so much life force from my body and feeds on my thoughts. And I'm still realizing it, and still releasing it.

The closest experience I've had to that feeling again was when I was feeling my inner body. I think I wrote it in a post somewhere, that I feel tremendous joy, lightness and love when I'm aware of my inner body.. but there is no sense of humility, it doesn't feel as deep. But the joy is beautiful. I feel relief and a subtle sense of peace when I'm not thinking and just being aware of things around me. It's hard to stay present, especially when my pain body and ego take over, and negative thoughts still come back. I suppose learning how to replace the thoughts with better ones, is part of the process. My biggest difficulty at the moment, is how to interact with the world and people around me, now that I'm transforming. There is plenty of confusion. But then, confusion is 'I don't know, but I should know' in the words of ET, so maybe I'll just be happy with not knowing.

Those are my experiences so far. If anyone has any advice for me, I'd be so grateful. It would be great to have some guidance.


Lotsa love,
E1lycat
I am in need of nothing but the truth

-ACIM-

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Re: My Awakening

Post by kiki » Tue Dec 09, 2008 12:21 am

Thank you for sharing your story.
I suppose learning how to replace the thoughts with better ones, is part of the process.
Would it be OK if nothing in particular replaced those negative thoughts? Just let them dissolve and neither look for nor expect some kind of "replacement" thoughts. Whatever replacement does happen will happen on its own.
My biggest difficulty at the moment, is how to interact with the world and people around me, now that I'm transforming. There is plenty of confusion. But then, confusion is 'I don't know, but I should know' in the words of ET,
Don't be in a hurry; you are learning to be a butterfly after being a caterpillar your whole life. Let it happen organically, naturally.
so maybe I'll just be happy with not knowing.
Good.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: My Awakening

Post by Sighclone » Tue Dec 09, 2008 8:02 am

It's hard to stay present, especially when my pain body and ego take over, and negative thoughts still come back. I suppose learning how to replace the thoughts with better ones, is part of the process. My biggest difficulty at the moment, is how to interact with the world and people around me, now that I'm transforming. There is plenty of confusion. But then, confusion is 'I don't know, but I should know' in the words of ET, so maybe I'll just be happy with not knowing.
This will pass with time. You will integrate little components of your old "self", little styles of your personality into your new Self. And to most, you won't have changed that much. Close friends may notice some changes, but they will probably, if asked, say you just seem happier or calmer. Even before a big shift in consciousness, we had spiritual links to unity which were part of who we were. Others will simply see much more of that energy from you. My final two cents: Take an extra second or two before responding to people...you are actually refining and repositioning your instincts...give them a chance to come from Presence. And just be loving in a simple way...no big effort is needed.

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Re: My Awakening

Post by domokato » Tue Dec 09, 2008 9:14 pm

That's an amazing experience. It sounds like it was a release of all that positive energy that had been trapped within you for so long. I recommend that you don't seek to recreate that experience. It was an experience and it has gone. It's in the past now. Stabilizing in the present will get rid of extremes like that. Good luck :)
~housecat

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Re: My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Sun Dec 21, 2008 6:12 am

Since I started practicing ET stuff I've gone through some yoyo stages. At first, I found that while observing myself, I didn't like what I saw.. and I sought to change it, and of course failed miserably. I strove to gain control over my mind and got increasingly frustrated and angry with it. It drove me to despair and terror. A couple of weeks of that, and then another realization came along. Let it be. Just let the little me be.. and then the ET stuff really started to hit, like.. watch it impassively, without judgement, without labelling.. just watch. And now I'm just watching, and I'm learning who I'm not. Sometimes, when I feel myself slipping into deep unconsciousness, I appeal to the me inside.. to the I Am. The other day when I did this, something shifted, and my mind stopped being so noisy. I spent a whole half day in more peace than I've ever felt before.. It was great.

I also went to see a spiritual teacher who teaches ET stuff and got counselling for an hour. I've been to therapy before, and this time, something really struck me. When I'm sitting in that chair, under scrutiny from myself and from somebody who is aware, my mind inevitably shuts down. Like I try to think, I try to pull some thoughts from my head but there's nothing there but a solid blank wall. It felt like a mind freeze during an important exam. Haha! And it's so funny because before I have the chat I have so many things to say, to ask about, and when I'm actually there, nothing happens. I sit in complete silence. And whatever I actually do talk about or ask about comes from another part of me, memory perhaps, or instinct, or the real me. And this was very very pronouced in this session, and the teacher told me that we were both very conscious/present at the time. I was too disorientated to get the full impact of this then, but wow!

Time is also shrinking, it feels like I'm no longer so caught up in psychological time. Sleep occasionally is good, but lately I've been having dreams of violent decapitations! Yesterday I dreamt of an animal and a bird losing their heads. They were being held by two other creatures of their kind on either side like they were prisoners. It felt quite surreal. I don't quite know what this means. I know a bird can be a symbol of an enlightenment.. losing its head might mean that my mind and my body/feelings may not be communicating so well anymore.. or I'm not using my mind so much anymore. Either way, I don't know if it's a good sign. Hope so..

I'm a lil worried that all these good things that are happening are mind induced.. just another mind trick to keep me unconscious, and I've fallen into that trap so many times before.. the teacher said that soon the ego will run out of tricks to play and will wind down. I hope this is the case now.

And thank you for the replies. It's great to have some guidance.
I am in need of nothing but the truth

-ACIM-

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Re: My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Sun Dec 21, 2008 6:27 am

Andy,
My final two cents: Take an extra second or two before responding to people...you are actually refining and repositioning your instincts...give them a chance to come from Presence. And just be loving in a simple way...no big effort is needed.
Yeah, people's responses to me have changed. I no longer think furiously, trying to come up with things to say or interrupt with when I'm in their presence. Instead I listen, give them my full loving attention, and fully enjoy their company just like ET says. And they seem so much happier, and I find that after a while the conversation no longer revolves around egoic stuff so much. My boyfriend is so much happier around me as well. I've gotta keep reminding myself to do this, because its so damn enjoyable.
I am in need of nothing but the truth

-ACIM-

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Re: My Awakening

Post by kiki » Sun Dec 21, 2008 4:25 pm

It sounds like you have a very tuned in therapist. Thanks for the update - you are doing great, lots of insight. Wonderful! Relax and drop back into presence when you find yourself "worrying" - it's worry that arises out of mind, not the sense of peace and freedom - that's what you are.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: My Awakening

Post by Sighclone » Sun Dec 21, 2008 9:48 pm

E1lycat -

You say:
I've gotta keep reminding myself to do this, because its so damn enjoyable.
This is so funny. It reveals to me that your "old self", the standardized, conditioned E1lycat must have had a story which had "not enjoyable" as part of the required daily life. Probably some guilt around feeling joy. And that "old self" is lingering around - "reminding myself to do this"...

Absolutely worry not. Habits break slowly. But being present is more than a habit, E1lycat. It's more than a "way of life." It is simply life, undisturbed by eons of cultural conditioning and a lifetime of your personal conditioning. And, by the way, it is full of potential! It's not just navel-staring or blissed-out park bench sitting. But you already know this, E1lycat. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!!

You will appreciate John Welwood's "Toward a Psychology of Awakening." I may have mentioned this to you before, I'm a completely broken record here, but this man is a clinical psychologist who appears to me to be very awake. He gives wonderful East/West perspective to concepts like "ego," "love," "fulfillment," etc.

Thanks for joining and telling your story!

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Re: My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Tue Dec 23, 2008 7:04 pm

Thanks Andy, am definitely keeping a lookout for that book, and all the other stuff everyone else has recommended! So much to read.. so much to read (and looking forward to it).

I wanted to post this, because it's a really exciting new development for me.
Thanks Kiki, you wrote
the sense of peace and freedom - that's what you are
I have read, seen and heard these words many times.. but I have yet to actually feel it and experience it, and I know that until I do, they're still simply words to me, and not quite reality, even though I somehow sense it to be true. And this relates to what happened a couple of days ago. I was in a lot of pain, crying my head off as usual and feeling very miserable when I asked myself, "What's underneath this pain?" And all of a sudden, I felt it. A deep stillness and quietness underneath.. and the pain shut off instantly! Like the tears literally froze in my eyes, and I was gaping like a fish in mid-cry. And for about half a minute, I was very in the Now, with no thoughts, and no pain. And I had this feeling that the stillness had been there all along.. that it was always there throughout my whole life, but I had never really felt it like that it till then. Then I felt a bit worried that it was my mind playing tricks on me again, but it somehow felt like it was above thought, or beyond it. And I was having these thoughts floating through my head, and when I tried 'being' this stillness and observing the thoughts, they suddenly stopped halfway and disappeared, like they'd been strangled. Ok, strangled may be too harsh a word, but it was like they ceased abruptly.

And then I opened up PON, and I re-read the first chapter and ET said (this is from memory, I don't have the book with me right now) when you watch these thoughts with presence, they quickly subside and lose their power over you. And until now, I've been watching and watching and watching my thoughts but they haven't actually subsided with the watching and I was wondering why, and now I totally understand, you need to be present/in the stillness before you can strangle it, I mean, before it stops having power. And it's taken me weeks to get to that stage (if I even am at that stage. Oh please, don't let it be a mind trick), even though it only took ET seconds to write it, hee hee. And yeah, going back to what Kiki said, and what ET wrote.. I think it was something like.. 'You realize you are that stillness', that realization still hasn't happened yet.. but at least I have felt it there. That'll be the next stage I think. :D
I am in need of nothing but the truth

-ACIM-

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Re: My Awakening

Post by Sighclone » Wed Dec 24, 2008 2:56 am

E1lycat -

Another phrase from ET: "What is your relationship with the present moment?" Ask that all the time and notice the varieties. Those varieties will reduce. Particularly ask it during meditation...

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

E1lycat
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Re: My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:42 am

OH MY GOSH IT IS SO SIMPLE!

I can't stop laughing!
I am in need of nothing but the truth

-ACIM-

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Re: My Awakening

Post by Webwanderer » Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:13 pm

OH MY GOSH IT IS SO SIMPLE!

I can't stop laughing!
Essential Awareness ONE,... E1lycat ego No-thing.... :D

WW

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Re: My Awakening

Post by Sighclone » Sun Dec 28, 2008 3:57 am

It is the simplest reality, the safest place, the most powerful place, the most surrendered place, the most natural place. It's the stripping of the big curtain, the false security blanket of the mind/body ego, full of scary complexity that makes the final step seem so long and difficult. Looking back through the final gate, you notice that it is not really there. Very damn funny indeed!

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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Re: My Awakening

Post by E1lycat » Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:09 am

Ahaha... hahahaha.. not quite there yet, I haven't been sucked into a void of peace and joy. I apologize if my last crazy post was misleading, but I've just been tickled pink by several realizations over the weekend.

First it was the seeking thing. I was watching Mooji, bless him, in one of his videos on YouTube 'You can be free today'. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upQPmWCJo1g. And what he said was so ridiculously simple and glaringly obvious. He said something like, 'Awareness, which is the goal of all enquiry, is that already within which the very striving, attempt and practice arises and is perceived'. And I started laughing because I finally understood. It is that within which everything occurs, the mind stuff, the ego, the sensory stuff, all that. You can't look for it because the very act of looking occurs within it. And it was just so simple and funny.. and I was suddenly aware of the awareness itself, not completely, just barely.. but there I was laughing my head off. And I finally understood ET when he wrote, you are the Now itself, and I knew that to be true.

Then the next day I read some of Bill Harris's articles. And I was happily driving along when I suddenly realized, it's not real! None of it's real! The reality that I see, isn't reality itself. It's just a very clever illusion. And it's soo relative, every person's mind created reality would be different. And my person, my life is just one big movie that I thought was real, but if I step back as the watcher, I can see that it's just a movie playing on a tv set, and it doesn't matter so much what happens in the movie, although I can change that if I want. And I was laughing again, and I nearly killed myself on the road. But it was all good.

Thank you for your continued support. I think there's still plenty more to uncover, and lots more self exploration to do. I hope the moderators don't mind if I continue posting updates here in this thread. It's serving as a really useful logbook of what's been happening so far and I really appreciate and love all the feedback, though I'll try not to ramble so much next time, hehe.

:D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D
I am in need of nothing but the truth

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Re: My Awakening

Post by Sighclone » Mon Dec 29, 2008 7:21 am

How nice to see you laughing, E1lycat. I'm happy for you and your life. There is nothing wrong with having some fun on the path. Even if it's just egoic fun. You are welcome to add to your discoveries. Basically, fundamentally, these are the best threads -- they help the shyer readers and all of us as we drop the veils. And Adya makes it very clear that enlightenment is not "all bliss all the time."

Namaste, Andy
A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce

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