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My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 4:56 am
by eagle2phoenix
From the time I was a kid until I was a teenager, I always felt that life is a mystery. Raised as a Catholic and schooling in a Convent, I used to argue with the Nuns about God, that He is all loving and everywhere and not the punishing god who needs one to pray to for forgiveness, that there is no hell. At home, I would have spatial experience with my eyes wide open, that I am outside my body looking down at me. I would see myself as a very large being, overlooking my physical self. I would have dreams that I am a huge buddha, sitting alone on a rocky planet. Of course, I told no one about it.

Going the the university and eventually working, I would feel so alone and would always find peace walking under trees, seeking solitude in parks. There was always a feeling of "loss" or "expanse", that I am a pebble on a beach. Whenever there were group activities, I would feel overwhelmed, weep and then wander off alone.

I was exposed to meditation when I was 26 years old in 1990. My then teacher the late Shihan Goh was a jujitsu exponent who taught esoteric meditation. He always asked us, "Any questions about life? No questions? Know everything there is to know? Good. Let's meditate." He would lead us into meditation and leave us in our selves for 30 minutes, 45 minutes, 1 hour.

Then my search began. I went to Buddhist temples first as I always "saw" the Buddha in meditation. There were many spiritual experiences. Then one day, I saw the vision of Lord Siva dancing in a dream. I decided to go to a Sivan temple and there I was attracted to Lord Muruga or Ganesha (the elephant headed deity). I met many people in the spiritual path (tied to Buddhism). I even had a friend who told me that I was her "sister" in the celestial kingdom. Then came delusion that I had special powers to heal and exorcise. Fortunately, I started to slide into depression at work in 2004. And in 2005, Master Rochelle told me to give up my delusions about healing and to just take care of myself. In my depression, I was so lost that I had to start from the beginning, to meditate again. Then of course, i found the PON by ET in November 2005 and Osho books eventually, which has helped me to understand myself better.

All in all, my journey has taken almost 20 years since my first experience in meditation, and more since the days when I felt that I was more than just a mere human being, that I was love and light.

And where am I now? Here and Now, occasionally going back into the past, occasionally lost in thought. And I always remember to come back to here and now.

Love & Light

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:14 am
by DWBH1953
eagle2phoenix wrote: And where am I now? Here and Now, occasionally going back into the past, occasionally lost in thought. And I always remember to come back to here and now.

Love & Light
Wow beautiful story Phonenix,
Filled with plays of consciousness!
Thank you and a deep bow
Randji

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:09 am
by Sighclone
Glad to have you on board e2p - tough meaningful story...welcome again.

Namaste, Andy

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:06 am
by moonmissy
Hi eagle2phoenix,

With every story, we live a novel. Joy and laughs, despair and pain.

I want to share with you mine too....not that it matters much.

I was raised a Buddhist in Vietnam born after a devastating war there. I took the vow of refuge and precepts when I was 8.
My father escaped Vietnam by boat and became a refugee eventually live in Canada and brought the rest of the family to Canada. Shortly after re-uniting, my mother found out my father's infidelity and they divorce shortly after. I experienced a lot of pain when I came to live in Canada as a child, enduring abuse on a physical and emotional level. My mother became bitter about the divorce for over 20 years and took it out on us kids.

I became severely lost and depressed as a teenager. Thanks to my teacher from Vietnam who send us tons of Buddhist books. I became an avid spirituality and religious reader searching for an answer since I came to Canada at the age of 9. I meditated off and on and had some strange experiences as a teenager, which now I know is Kundalini Awakening, but no one know of what it is...so i became scared and stopped. I still persisted, carrying on with a Koan: "Who am I before my mother gave me a name?"

My father got cancer and died, it was then I had to face the past with forgiveness and look into his life and my mother's life to learn forgiveness. After about 9 months after my father passed away, I was still in shock and despair from the realizing that I knew absolutely nothing about life, that all my reading, searching, knowing of Buddhism was meaningless.

One day I went camping with some friends and I was completely lost in my thoughts, full of anxieties and stress. A catholic friend felt sorry for me and asked me. "Does any of the things you think about make any difference in a hundred years?"

Suddenly the bubble burst. All my circling thoughts came to an abrupt stop, an awesome hugeness of space was experienced. I experienced a deep satori moment where the self was lost completely for a few seconds. I was rolling on the ground laughing so hard tears came to my eyes and my stomach ache. It was divine comedy. My koan was answered "I Am"

I ran home afterward and took out all of the Buddhist books, religious books I read, there I saw the truth shinning through. I called my teacher and he laughed, confirming what I just knew.

It was a few months after that I came to The Power of Now and saw the door to enter heaven. I meditated with a vigor, almost twice daily and surrendered every moment I could. The Kundalini awakening came back. This time I was careful enough to seek guidance from my teacher (He's a Zen monk). I experienced the many manifestation of Kundalini like healing ability, increased awareness of the senses, pre-cognition, remembering even past lives, at times even ability to read thoughts, but my teacher guided me to discard all the manifestations and go on to continue mediation and surrender. One day, in my meditation, I saw a deity came with his entourage, completely basked in light, an Indian deity by the name of Ambara, he asked me: "What do you want? Fame? Fortune? Family?" I smiled and answered: "Surrender" and he disappeared.

I called my teacher and was half way through telling him about the deity's appearance, he laughed and said: "He asked you...what do you want right?" Strangely enough, he said it in English, which is exactly how I was asked. I turned out that everyone gets asked through one image or another. For the Buddha it is Mara, for Jesus it is the devil....for me it was Ambara.

After that experience, I experienced my first conscious death. It was indescribable, an all enlightening and liberating experience. I would experience this about another 3 times again after that. Each time a deeper realization came which totally changed my inner being.

To die into the present moment is to totally let go of all control and sense of identity. It was a tough five years where I totally lost everything, my marriage, my business, all the sense of identity I build up over the years. The truth completely ripped all my sense of self out piece by piece, very unceremoniously. It was fierce grace (as Adyashanti puts it) But it was all worth it, I experienced total heaven many times and the time of waking got closer and closer together each time. I thank God for my teacher's guidance and PON. Now I truly know why Eckhart doesn't mind being homeless on a park bench.

Now I live in each moment, not having much and the future is uncertain...but who cares. The greatest thing you can do is to allow your ego to die, it will definitely end your world as you know it. A somewhat disorientating, confusing and terrifying experience at times. When people go searching for the truth of enlightenment, what they are really essentially looking for is to get something in return. To enlighten their ego? All I can say is ....the truth will shock you. There is no one to be enlightened, to be liberated, nothing ever existed, nothing ever occur. There is only emptiness.....to totally be alive is to let yourself die into this emptiness that is. There is no other!

Heaven is here, I would gladly give up this body for it to die into the present. The other choice is illusion and suffering. What would you choose?

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:16 pm
by Sighclone
moonmissy -

Wow. Wow. Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love this forum. It is testimonies like yours which make such a difference to those deep in the struggle. I'm just an average guy - good family, little stress. And my path was a little choppy, but nothing like yours! The tidy little observations I make pale before your personal testimony. Thank you again!!!!!!!

Namaste, Andy

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:01 pm
by OnthePath
Thank you moonmissy for your wonderful post.
It's amazing how the awakening stories more or less look alike. The same feeling of emptiness.
There is one thing only that somewhat scares me; it's when you say "who cares!" When we sense this emptiness, does that mean that we give up and stop caring about the future, jobs and family?

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:13 pm
by kiki
There is one thing only that somewhat scares me; it's when you say "who cares!" When we sense this emptiness, does that mean that we give up and stop caring about the future, jobs and family?
It is realized that the emptiness, when consciously experienced, has nobody there; therefore, "who cares" expresses this. This is not the apathy that an ego would come to, but a realization that nobody is present to "care". So it's not about being "apathetic" about the future, jobs, and family. It's about seeing and experiencing everything as it unfolds in emptiness.

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:43 am
by moonmissy
Dear onthepath,

Totally contrary to what your ego might say. To die into the present moment totally and let go the false sense of self is the greatest thing you can do for your own life and the life of others around you.

Because my practice was so rigorous, I was determined to be at peace and happy despite anything exterior, willing to die and let go at each moment. I still work, I still live, but nothing matters other than the now. My partner seeing that started to practice with me. Everyone I met seemed drawn to my unending sense of happiness and joy so they asked me to teach them, so that they too have what I have. Suddenly I got a few Zen students LOL, they kept calling me teacher and give me lots of respect, but I laugh a lot when they do this because I know that I'm nobody :lol: :lol: :lol: and being nobody in particular is great! I don't want to be anything else... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Nothingness LOL

Funny, we all have that endless love and joy but we cannot accept it. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Life just flows with ease and every day is another sense of wonder. Matter a fact, whatever you do, it is done with grace and completely without efforts. You can do it much better actually, because there is no one there to worry about it. Freedom is enjoying everything and doing it with vigor and aliveness. It is a state very contrary to what your thoughts think. You are actually much more alive and in tune with the universe allowing the universe to guide you and to help you without any exertions at all. To die in the now is not to sit and do nothing but to say "Yes" to everything that comes with vigor and acceptance expecting nothing out of that doing but just do with zest in the present moment. True unconditional love is total acceptance of what is without conditions. When you do everything in that mode, how can you be apathetic at all in that?

Don't let your thoughts fool you. The next thought that arises, if you believe it, you fall back to identification and endless suffering. Accept all that is.

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:37 pm
by HermitLoon
:D

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:15 pm
by OnthePath
kiki wrote:
There is one thing only that somewhat scares me; it's when you say "who cares!" When we sense this emptiness, does that mean that we give up and stop caring about the future, jobs and family?
It is realized that the emptiness, when consciously experienced, has nobody there; therefore, "who cares" expresses this. This is not the apathy that an ego would come to, but a realization that nobody is present to "care". So it's not about being "apathetic" about the future, jobs, and family. It's about seeing and experiencing everything as it unfolds in emptiness.
Hello Kiki,

I know that my comment came out of my unconsciousness and my conception of the relative reality. It's just that I wonder whether ET would have lived on the bench for 2 years knowing that he is the only caregiver of a family!

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:17 pm
by OnthePath
moonmissy wrote:Dear onthepath,

Totally contrary to what your ego might say. To die into the present moment totally and let go the false sense of self is the greatest thing you can do for your own life and the life of others around you.

Because my practice was so rigorous, I was determined to be at peace and happy despite anything exterior, willing to die and let go at each moment. I still work, I still live, but nothing matters other than the now. My partner seeing that started to practice with me. Everyone I met seemed drawn to my unending sense of happiness and joy so they asked me to teach them, so that they too have what I have. Suddenly I got a few Zen students LOL, they kept calling me teacher and give me lots of respect, but I laugh a lot when they do this because I know that I'm nobody :lol: :lol: :lol: and being nobody in particular is great! I don't want to be anything else... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Nothingness LOL

Funny, we all have that endless love and joy but we cannot accept it. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Life just flow with ease and everyday is another sense of wonder. Matter a fact, whatever you do, it is done with grace and completely without efforts. You can do it much better actually, because there is no one there to worry about it. Freedom is enjoying everything and doing it with vigor and aliveness. It is a state very contrary to what your thoughts think. You are actually much more alive and in tune with the universe allowing the universe to guide you and to help you without any exertions at all. To die in the now is not to sit and do nothing but to say "Yes" to everything that comes with vigor and acceptance expecting nothing out of that doing but just do with zest in the present moment. True unconditional love is total acceptance of what is without conditions. When you do everything in that mode, how can you be apathetic at all in that?

Don't let your thoughts fool you. The next thought that arises, if you believe it, you fall back to identification and endless suffering. Accept all that is.
Although I had just a very few glimpses of what you're describing, I totally understand it. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:44 pm
by Sighclone
It's just that I wonder whether ET would have lived on the bench for 2 years knowing that he is the only caregiver of a family!
Good point. I think that "loving what is" for him could only have meant going to work if he were the breadwinner.

Andy

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 4:38 am
by eagle2phoenix
It is good to see how moonmissy is able to laugh and enjoy life to the fullest now. There was more to my life than what I mentioned in my first entry but I do not want to go into it right now. There is just too much to the story. But my childhood and experiences made me who I became (conditioning!). I always looked at life in good/bad terms. However deep down inside I always felt that all are the same, that there is nothing good/bad in life, only what other people perceived and talked about. Listening to people talk made things more confusing for me. Things like "this food is good", "that brand is fantastic", "that person is obnoxious", "Monday is a terrible day", "I had a terrible morning"....

I look at each day like it is a brand new day, even in my darkest depressive moments. Even when I looked at death. Now with my medication Efexor on 300mg (rather high) and with a chesty cough and cold, I feel like I am 2 persons looking out of my window - one physical me and one beyond the me, like watching a movie in a movie.

I wish (no other word to use) that I could laugh out loud in life but I don't have that feeling... I guess that is the me that I have become, the one that watches and remain unmoved.

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 11:31 pm
by dubhasa
What a wonderful thread. Thanks eagle2phoenix for starting it.
Moonmissy,
Namaste. Beautiful story. Very inspirational. I love it.
:)

Re: My Spiritual Experience so far

Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 2:48 am
by weopposedeception
Great thread, thanks for sharing your "personal" stories. :D