not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

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piercej
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not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by piercej » Tue Feb 17, 2009 3:21 pm

Opinions please:

I had my first real test of my beliefs since "awakening", and after several hours, failed. Fortunately, drama and I tend to aviod eachother at all costs, maybe to a flaw, but I recently found out that my sister is a prescription pill addict and alcoholic. This was suspected for some time, but was absolutely confirmed from a very personal, lengthy, and very unpleasant weekend. I am writing this to see if anyone has experience with a similar situation and can put a perspective on it.

Fist off, my first mistake was thinking that I have all of the patience, love, tolerance, and compassion that almost any pain body can dish out. I allowed my ego to pretty much say, "i got this, bring it." I was eager to prove my "higher" nature to myself and others, eager for the challenge, and eager to help my sister.
I hid her drugs, and admitted it when confronted. looking back on it, i was already in over my head at that point. My second mistake was after about 5 - 6 hours of unsuccessfully trying to "reach" her through supportive discussion, and then after a lot of drama, abuse, a pain body screaming for a reaction, and a few minor assaults, i caved into anger, said a few choice words to her and to my brother for refusing to insist that she leave his house where we were at the time, and stormed out. i threw away anything i gained in her eyes by proving through my actions that when the pressure is on, i fail to abide by my own claims and beliefs. i did not have my car there, or my wallet on me, and so i walked 14 miles home over 6 hours. not impressive because believe me im no athlete, just giving a perspective here about how upset i allowed myself to get... how far i let my mistake go.

I feel anger still, and am patiently waiting for it to pass while trying not to allow thought to wander into it. I failed this test miserably, and so really checked my ego, but obviously a part of it is resentful still. im starting at square one, and am okay with that.

As of now, i dont believe i can help my sister, and im choosing to refrain from any contact beyond discussing rehab options until she successfully completes a rehab program, but Ive never done this before, so any perspectives would be appreciated.

Thank you.

doug
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by doug » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:08 pm

speaking from experience...all the effort of loved ones and professionals may not produce any positive results until that person has hit a real bottom and the fear overrides the habit to motivate change. Loss of job, family, health, an accident of some kind, or an overdose alone or in combination often provides the fuel needed to allow the recovery to begin. The addiction can and does revisit and the process can take a very long time or not depending on the person.

Psychedelics are known to cure alcoholism and drug addictions. Treament is available discreetly in Canada, Africa, South America, and other places around the globe. This treatment is much more effective then conventional counseling based recovery but due to ignorance most people aren't interested in introducing what they perceive to be one problem drug to treat addiction to another in an addict.

Hopefully you can stop beating yourself up on this one now. I know by reading your other threads that you already have the answers regarding your inner feelings so I'll leave that alone. maybe someone else can offer more.

Take care on all fronts this one friend,
Doug

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kiki
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by kiki » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:32 pm

First, be easy on yourself - this particular circumstance is especially challenging and you said you don't have much exposure to confrontation. Second, being "strong" is not what awakening is about. It's about being present, and that doesn't entail holding onto any beliefs at all. If you are trying to fit yourself into a certain mental set where some belief is projected on how you "should" be present you are setting yourself up for failure. Old conditioning has a way of eating through that.

You said,
i fail(ed) to abide by my own claims and beliefs.

That's what happens when beliefs are the foundation for presence. So use this experience as a learning experience in discerning the difference between authentic presence and mind created presence. Become alert to how mind gets pulled back into reactionary thought patterns, and when you do get caught up realize that that will happen sometimes. But as you rest more and more in presence that will happen less and less.
doug wrote:all the effort of loved ones and professionals may not produce any positive results until that person has hit a real bottom and they are scared by what they see. Loss of job, family, health, an accident of some kind, or an overdose alone or in combination often provides the fuel needed to allow the recovery to begin. The addiction can and does revisit and the process can take a very long time or not depending on the person.
Wise words based on his own experience. Ultimately, it's in your sister's hands. Getting angry at yourself for your failure to get through to her implies that you think it is your responsibility she gets well. There is only so much you can do because she isn't ready yet to be helped, so accept that fact.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Tara
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by Tara » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:43 pm

You all are so "wise" :)

piercej...I could so see myself possibly "acting" like this. But just being present and maybe watching with wonderment, no judgements or expectations may be all that is needed. Sometimes when nothing is said, the person with the "problem" can then only see or hear themselves and that is all they have to feed off so in turn may see their "problem" more clearly. I think when we get judgemental and voice our opinions we give them something to feed off so they can justify some of there behavior.

Or we have the choice not to be around this person so as too not let ourselves get caught up in a painbody situation or just maybe we don't feel the need or want to be around it or them...

Juno
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by Juno » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:51 pm

Piercej

I am going through the same thing with my sister. We've always been close. We don't live near each other now but I know when she's not calling what that means. I use to call all of the time our whole life we've been in close contact until just the past 6-8 months probably. My brother and Mom don't speak to her much for the same issue. When I would call it got bad, when I would talk to her I almost couldn't understand her everytime I called or she wouldn't talk to me for more than 10 seconds and pass the phone. My nieces tell me what's going on and I feel helpless which turns into guilt. Like why can't I do something. It's tough. I know her husband is trying but he has his issues too and doesen't seem to make changes himself so it's a vicious cycle. It makes me crazy that my nieces are in that enviorment. I heard Byron Katie say what's a better teacher to not be an alcholic than an alcholic. I hope. My nieces come and stay with me and see a life that is 180 from their house. My influence on them is strong so I hope they don't follow the crazy life their mom is in. I feel like I'm turning my back but I know...... Like Doug said she has to hit that bottom. She's been a long time addict along with my Mom. Something I say is not going to change things. Now my approach with my sister is silence. I think that can speak volumes. It is a little closer to bottom for her because we have always loved each other very much.

I wish you well.

Monica
by thinking of something you create an entity and by thinking of nothing you create another. Let such erroneous thinking perish utterly, and then nothing will remain for you to go seeking!
Huang Po

doug
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by doug » Tue Feb 17, 2009 6:07 pm

Those who know how to effectively deal with so-called drug "problems" and "addictions" are few and certainly not policy setters in todays world. As with many things, society has much to learn about the role of medicines (whether aspirin, prozac, viagra, or heroin) in human life and the problems that arise when people over medicate themselves and others.

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DWBH1953
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by DWBH1953 » Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:41 pm

piercej wrote:Opinions please:
Hi,
Really not much to add here Doug and Ki Ki said most to be said.
I will only second what KiKi said. Until she is ready to quit and get sober there is really nothing much you can do.
One day at a time is not just for the user but also family and love ones.

One person that has helped many and has a unique way of working is Scott Kiloby
You might want to take a look at his site under Enlighten Recovery section.
Read what Scott has written there as it will give you a good idea of what your sister is going through now and her mind set.
This would be a godsend if your sister is open to getting well.
http://www.kiloby.com/

Peace
Randji
Do not meditate-be!
Do not think that you are-be!
Do not think about being-you are!
Sri Ramana

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+Jim+
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by +Jim+ » Wed Feb 18, 2009 10:21 am

I have a few suggestions - I have experience of a family member who is anorexic and has been sectioned twice and has survived several OD attempts.

1. Be very honest with yourself and find out what was your motivation for your actions, any shows of superiority and 'strength' will always be catalysts for conflict.
2. If love and concern are part of that answer, you may want to just convey that simply and honestly to your sister.
She almost certainly hates herself and it would be good for her to know that she is loved. Admit that you are worried about her and that you don't know how best to help her and that frustration was one of the results.
3. If you do http://www.thework.com on your thoughts about the situation, you may find yourself able to love her unconditionally - this is the greatest thing that you can do for her. And I don't just mean sitting at home discovering unconditional love, I mean being with her and loving her unconditionally.

All the best
Jim
Intellectual understanding is totally inadequate for meeting daily life.
It's like attempting to nourish yourself on the memory of yesterday's lunch!


http://simplyenlightening.wordpress.com/about/

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Amritam
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by Amritam » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:22 pm

If there is one thing I have had experience with in this life it is substance abuse. My father died at age 44 as a result of alcoholism. My husband was an alcoholic and my son is an extreme alcoholic and drug user.

You sound like you are an enabler, a very common occurrence in the world of addiction. I was an enabler as well to my son. I finally broke this pattern when I began attending Al-Anon. No amount of 'helping the addict' will cure them. You are only helping their addiction. It sounds cruel but I had to get my son out of my life because he was bringing me down with him.

What I had to do was start taking care of my own life and let him go. After 20 years my son is finally in AA. We now have a relationship but it is distant.

My sanity comes from living in the moment. My love for him has not changed; it's just that now I have boundaries with him. Being in a 12 step group gave me the courage and support to get on with my life. It takes an enormous amount of strength to deal with an addict and having other people around you who understand this is life saving.

Check out http://www.kiloby.com. Scott is a recovering addict.
Last edited by Amritam on Wed Feb 18, 2009 4:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.~ Tilopa

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kiki
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by kiki » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:36 pm

Thank you for sharing something so personal, Amritam, and welcome to the board.

kiki
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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randomguy
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by randomguy » Wed Feb 18, 2009 3:40 pm

Same here, I have a sibling with a drug addiction. I experienced quite a bit of sadness over it. I have also observed stress, guilt and anxiety levels in other family members that seemed just as dangerous as the addiction itself.
I echo the recommendation of checking out Katie's The Work (I'm not familiar with Kiloby, but may check it out too). Really the only business to be done is questioning the mind. How can I know that a user's path is any better or worse than mine within the support and guidance of god/reality.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

weopposedeception
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Re: not as strong as i thought, and dealing with an addict

Post by weopposedeception » Thu Feb 19, 2009 5:58 am

I can certainly relate. I watched my mother drink herself to death over a period of years, I used to get angry, fight with her, etc. I lost my only sibling, a twin brother, 5 years ago to this disease. I had my own runs with it as well, and it eventually led me to the spiritual search. Like Maharshi says, no one ever wakes up from a good dream.

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