The first vocation that I trained for from the time I was 5 yrs old was that of a concert pianist. Four hours a day, two hours before school and two hours after school, was my daily life. When I reached my mid teen years I finally had enough courage to rebel and quit, causing much upset and disappointment to my ambitious family.
Living daily with this grand and undefined ambition, I was terribly afraid of each choice I made, never knowing exactly what it was I was supposed to do or how to do it, and whether my choice in the moment would bring me closer or further away from this ambiguous "accomplishment" that would validate my existence.
The fear of not making the "correct" decision resulted in many, many years of indecisiveness. It took 10 years and at least 10 different majors before getting my undergraduate degree. The employment history was no different. I hopped around from one job to the other... always having MANY interests but never quite satisfied with any one path. My job experience usually fluctuated from incredible success (when I felt inspired) to dismal failure (when I was uninterested).
Finally I stumbled, quite "accidentally" into a professional (white collar) job in which my success hit an alltime high. It was like I could do no wrong. I created a project that was very successful and was given all the greenlight to develop and implement it across the department. My salary nearly trippled in 2 years time, and I thought for sure that now I "made" it and would be living the easy life.
As it turned out, this fantasy was short lived. Following the ambition trail, I moved to a different department that looked very promising for my career development. Here I reached an impossible barrier (or so I thought at the time). My new boss turned out to be exceedingly spiteful and emotionally abusive, literally demeaning my every move. The job itself proved to be a scapegoat position for what I discovered were astronomical errors in judgment made by a multi-million dollar company. In the end, I walked out of a high salary position, completely burned out and almost to the point of seeking counseling from all the stress. By this time I was crying on a daily basis. And, toward the end of my tenure there, I would find myself sitting in meetings with my mind completely unable to function. Where once before I was sharp as a tack... incredibly so, now I was damn near a vegetable, barely able to add 2 + 2.
Never again was I able to return to a "professional" arena. Oh I tried several times, with thoughts of money and prestige still plaguing me... but each time I realized that I no longer had the energy for it.
I had reached a point where I had to exercise acceptance, because the jobs that came after this experience were definitely not what I would have consciously chosen. In fact, for a time, I was quite ashamed of them, and yet this was where I was guided, and this was all that I had energy for, at the time.
I worked for about a year at a residential treatment facility, working with troubled adolescents. Recognizing that ACCEPTANCE was on my plate at this time, I sank into this experience. At first I struggled some, and as time went on I let even this go. There were several what I call "miracles" that took place there. Some were with the residents, with whom I practiced the art of listening and being present. Several times I was aware that much more was shared and communicated than what appeared to be on the surface. There were also experiences with co-workers that proved to be mutually beneficial for allowing the light of clarity to come through. It was when I completely surrendered in this job that very suddenly the exit was provided and I was able to leave it, knowing clearly that it was time to go.
My next job was even less "prestigious" than the prior. More surrender was needed. This job was working as a convenience store clerk. I went from hobnobbing with senior executives and CEO, flying around the country to attend parties and business meetings, to scrubbing toilets for the local customers. Incredibly, I found peace and joy while working there. Every moment seemed precious and I discovered serenity in humility. I experienced more joy and peace working here than ever before. People began to notice that I was always smiling and many commented on it. My joy was very noticeable. So was my competence. I began to regain my mental sharpness and I flowed with grace through my moments there. It felt very much like a dance. The relationships with coworkers as well as customers were loving and peaceful (for the most part) and I was well liked, through no effort of my own.
I surrendered fully there. Having now discovered a point where I no longer needed a career or prestige or money (this was the lowest paid job I had since highschool) for my identity. I actually volunteered to wash the toilets so the other employees didn't have to. I discovered the joy of selfless service.
The moment came when the time for this job was done, and this moment was completely unplanned and unorchestrated by me. Somebody walked in and practically handed me a new job. It was quite synchronistic and I recognized the prompt by Spirit to direct me elsewhere.
Now the time is not for acceptance. The time is for enjoyment. I am enjoying this new job tremendously. It's as if it's tailor made for me at this stage of my life story. Every day I look forward to going to work... now I have an office and a "desk" job again, working on a computer with enough time on my hands to play and write if I feel so inspired. The drive to work is scenic and beautiful, my new boss is fantastic, and the coworkers are friendly, for the most part. One of the guys that works here has skirted on the edge of sexual harassment.... but having recognized the nugget of opportunity here, my presence and attention seems to be nullifying his advances.
What I see now is that it doesn't matter what I do or where I am. Every job is now the same to me, as I'm always Here and Now. The faces may change and the daily tasks may change, but they are no longer a big deal. I see myself in each face, and I embrace them all in my heart. I don't care how much money I make... as it turned out I was given a pretty nice salary, especially for the area. I no longer consider myself as having a career and have let go all such ambitions. I simply show up where I'm led, for as long as I'm led, and do what I'm inspired to do. I have no more attachment as to what I do or for how long. It's all a dance of form and I know it will change, as all forms change. And that's OK with me.
