Sometimes I want to die

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Sometimes I want to die

Postby Learner » Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:40 am

Because me being absolutely, 100% present seems to be such a rare thing, when I actually get there, I am so at peace that sometimes I don't even want to continue. I don't ever want to come back to unconsciousness... I literally want to just die right then and there... It would be so nice. In fact, I'm not going to say that I've been considering suicide, but sometimes I just feel like why not end it to permanently stop my mind? You know? The fact that I no longer anticipate things and "look forward" to the future thanks to presence also intensifies this feeling. Many worldly people are looking at the future for salvation but what they don't know is that salvation is never in the future, it is now. Therefore, I don't even look to the future like they do.

Do you guys have any comments about this? Can you relate at all? When most people think of suicide, they think of depression and negativity, but I've wanted to just stop living sometimes when I'm 100% present and I feel that joyful feeling.
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:51 am

Are you sure you didn't choose to come here in this physical experience? Is it possible that there is more significance to life in form than you currently perceive? Awakening to presence may well be just the first step in a much greater evolutionary process. NDE'rs almost unanimously say there is a divine purpose to our lives. Explore it. You may find their reports quite enlightening. Here's a few to explore:

http://iands.org/nde-stories/iands-nde-accounts.html

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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby ZenDrumming » Wed Jan 04, 2012 3:19 am

Could you be confusing "wanting to die" with "not minding if you die"? Perhaps the absence of the fear of death just feels a bit strange.

If you are saying that you want to die because you don't want to fall back into ego, then have you ever looked into what causes that thought to arise? It's very natural, but we must be aware when we cling to ideas and "this vs. that" mentalities.

I also second WW's point that just because you are content with the way things are doesn't mean that you can't create, manipulate, and play with different forms. How liberating it feels to explore life fully without that mental garbage :)
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby tod » Wed Jan 04, 2012 6:32 am

Learner wrote:Because me being absolutely, 100% present seems to be such a rare thing, when I actually get there, I am so at peace that sometimes I don't even want to continue. I don't ever want to come back to unconsciousness...

Here, I am 'learning to be' the peace, largely by now knowing that any time I appear as anything, that that is mind splitting into me (self-image, thought-to-exist-self, ego) and the rest of the world, and I now know that that thought-constructed-self/rest-of-the-world split is only mind splitting.

So there is no need to stop thought as it is seen to have no real effect on the peace; and also no necessity to die, to be the peace.
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby randomguy » Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:33 pm

You only need to look a bit deeper. I propose that wanting death could have its foundation in avoidance of life experience. If 100% presence comes and goes, then you are not that. A deeper cessation than physical death is freedom from the movements of clinging and avoiding. It is a laying down all assumptions and notions. The individual experience, the sense of truth in absolutely knowing that one is the live body bouncing up and down on the surface of earth and the corresponding story of separation from the rest of reality is carved in thought, imagination and assumption only. Life with all it's apparent insanity is the just the great mystery doing the mystery thing, and it can be viewed through a bubble of storied thoughts. That which stands up and wants death is merely a dream of itself. Ask if wanting death has at its core just a thought, a subtle argument with reality. The real sense of wanting I get from the attitude displayed in the OP is a wanting of freedom. For this I say that a willingness to lay down life to see the truth is the attitude of awakening. To be so small in will as to allow the coming of going of 100% presence as it does, to be OK to let life and death happen as it may as well even the experiences of life is the doorway to that freedom and window to observe the unquestionable roots of perception in an undivided eternal nature.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby Kutso » Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:37 pm

Learner,

I understand what you are talking about. I have felt this as well sometimes. As it happened, I stumbled upon this Mooji clip the other day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6YQysQHpjU&feature=related

In it, Mooji talks about this very issue (maybe not exactly the same, but something similar). Maybe you will find it somewhat helpful.
Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that. Not that.
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby DavidB » Mon Jan 30, 2012 9:38 am

I often feel like dying.

Sometimes it's because I'm over (fed up) with the world and it's problems and have lost the will to continue, it all seems so absurdly ridiculous. Other times it's because I feel really low and again lose the will to continue, motivation dwindles. And other times it's just like you describe, I am so deeply present that I have no attachment to world.

I always come back to this one thing though, that I am always willing to be engaged in whatever life is doing in the now. I am in love with life. I am life.
“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ― Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby greenuns » Mon May 20, 2013 3:36 am

I agree with you about death being the ultimate "solution" but then again I just started to read "the power of now". It was out of pure desperation that I stumbled upon Tolle. The tired surrender and desperation to stop the noise in my head. Reading "the power of now" I can't help thinking that humans and we are designed to be flawed, to over think and suffer, to torture ourselves and if that's the case giving life is possibly the worst gift you could give to someone.
Maybe I'll change my view after reading the whole book but for now to silence the noise, death seems sweet. But then again I'm too chicken sh*t to even kill myself, ah what a life...
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby Webwanderer » Mon May 20, 2013 7:05 pm

greenuns wrote:The tired surrender and desperation to stop the noise in my head. Reading "the power of now" I can't help thinking that humans and we are designed to be flawed, to over think and suffer, to torture ourselves and if that's the case giving life is possibly the worst gift you could give to someone.

May I suggest that this is a flawed premiss born of pain and suffering. There are other ways to perceive it. Power of now is one take - and a good one at that. But if you want to get a sense of life from the Bigger Picture, make a study of NDE's.

It is our limited human perspective, conditioned by misinformation and misunderstanding, that causes us to jump to painful conclusions about our experience in life. Let go of the assumptions that you hold and start over, today, to develop a clearer sense of life and of being. The good thing about today is that it represents now. And now is always the start of your unfolding experience.

Whatever negative and painful feelings we have are just life's way of telling us our perspective is out of alignment with our true nature. We are temporarily lost in a focus of attention that sees experience in terms of right and wrong. Our true nature is an extension of Source - the One. That Source Nature is Love, and that Love sees only the Truth of It's creation. It is always there to connect with if we would take the time to get quiet and clear enough to recognize it.

Love and joy for life is available for the perceiving. But not in the context of egoic judgment. Accept what is and focus on the best and the beauty in life. There is plenty of both awaiting your attention. Doing so will, in time, release much of the pain you experience, and shorten that which may yet come your way. It's much about where you choose to focus your attention.

Welcome to the forum.

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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby greenuns » Mon May 20, 2013 7:17 pm

by NDE do you mean "near death experience"?
that was the result I got when I googled NDE.

thank you for the welcome
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby rideforever » Mon May 20, 2013 8:06 pm

A few years ago I could have written something similar to what you say.

It seems to me now that things were not as I thought they were. I was sure that my life was going to be full of suffering and that there was no way out.

I was also sure that I knew what I was talking about. I knew what presence was, and I could see how bad things were and so suicide seemed like an option.

Looking back now I realise that I couldn't see.

I was depressed, I was being overcome by negativity.

In fact I hadn't really understood what the inner life is about, apart from some early explorations into it I had made in desperation.

And ... there was always a lot of negativity.

This should have told me that I was 'confused' about things.

Some things that moved me from that situation, to feeling well as I do now mostly are :


> I did some 10 day meditation retreats

> I sat at home and through intense agony faced some terrible pain to do with the death of my parents

> I started doing Pranayam every morning (Bhastrika, Nadhi Shodhana)

> I stayed away from 'thinking' about my situation, to feeling it, knowing that feeling was more reliable



Watch your negativity.
Do not be confident in your assessment that things are bad.
Accept that negativity breeds deep confusion.
Seek help.
Try to get well.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby Webwanderer » Mon May 20, 2013 8:42 pm

greenuns wrote:by NDE do you mean "near death experience"?
that was the result I got when I googled NDE.

thank you for the welcome


Yes, here's some links to lots of them.

http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Archives ... counts.htm

http://ndestories.org/stories/

http://iands.org/nde-stories/iands-nde-accounts.html

http://www.youtube.com/user/AfterlifeTV ... ture=watch

By one estimate, because of today's modern medicine, there are an estimated 600 NDE's each day in the US alone. The links above contain both video and written accounts. Study and fair consideration of these accounts is likely to be life changing - in a good way. Enjoy.

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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby SandyJoy » Tue May 21, 2013 2:20 am

You haven't really gotten there until you find your heart so in love with this world that you are about to burst with Love.

Not until you are back in the world again, not until you Live again---

You haven't found anything real or honest until you find there is no death.

You have not got any where until you can Live in the world and Love this world mightily.

You have not seen anything until we hear you shout Praise to God for the Light of Life! and then you show up and do what you are Here to do! Do what you have been destined to do for your world.

No bailing out--- but to embrace, to stay, to see, to love dearly everything because you understand Now is the time for returning to Love and being vulnerable, alive and feeling It all.

You don't know nutt'in until you Sing the Joy of the Child that Lives Again!

It's only when you can live in this world and understand this world and love this world without fear or hesitation, that you will know you have truly found anything real at all.

Now go ride your bike around the block a few times and feel the wind in your hair, and breath in the springtime time cool fresh air, and smell the fragrances of the dogwoods and lilac and roses in bloom and the new mown grass and hear the water sprinklers on the lawn as you ride by and feel the roar of the cars as they go by and listen, listen, open your self to Life and to the sounds--hear the birds song and the rustle of leaves ride like you were when you were 7 years old---and open your self up to hear the children in the schoolyard full of joyful screams and laughter, and stop and look up and be still and see the sky and the clouds and fill your self with the wonder of it all-- Be Alive, unbound, unleashed, untethered, run with It.

You have not gotten anything yet--- not until you Live again and you see the world made new and you see heaven at hand and you see The Living One in All That Is -- you see Sweet Mystery and the magic that is right here before your eyes, not until then can you say you understand anything.
You are not finished, until you play in that meadow and live there. You can, you know. But only you can take yourself there.
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby rideforever » Tue May 21, 2013 5:40 pm

I will fly like an eagle beloved SandyJoy !!!

....L*I*V*E
.........B*U*R*N
...............F*L*Y


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvb8wdBglpw


...................I JUST ... R*I***D*****E

---> I Hear The Birds On The Summer Breeze <---
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: Sometimes I want to die

Postby randomguy » Tue May 21, 2013 6:25 pm

Sandy wrote:You have not gotten anything yet--- not until you Live again and you see the world made new and you see heaven at hand and you see The Living One in All That Is -- you see Sweet Mystery and the magic that is right here before your eyes, not until then can you say you understand anything.

I love the spirit of the message to live fully, Sandy. But I'd like to offer something a bit different. That is that greenums has actually gotten everything.

First from my experience of depression, I found comfort in the impermanence of life. It was a nice little treasure of sorts the thought that I could die or do something to hasten that along. I didn't find it was particularly scary to have that in my pocket.

There was something that I could not un-"get". That is that I exists. I imagine this is self evident from any perspective. In the world of self torturing thought, this is easily forgotten or taken as a small thing or twisted into something to resent. But it is undeniable. And the fact of is that existence is all that is needed to be known because it is all that can be known absolutely.

Like you said, greenuns, "to over think and suffer, to torture ourselves". That is right. That is a gift of existence, to be able to confuse ourselves that we know what reality is. Here I differ with Sandy's statement about not getting anything. You have the answer right in your hands. We over think and torture ourselves just like you say. It is the source of suffering. I could say that my source of suffering was understanding to much, being certain about far too much. Part of that over thinking in my experience is assigning ownership and feeling responsible to correct "my" situation, a situation that had been over-thought to be a problem in the first place to be soved by "me" which was entirely made by over-thinking. This is the poison of our culture, it is to identify with thought. This is the recognition you have found.

A large part of the depression in me was exaggerated by the notion that I "can't do it", can't get out of it, can't deal with reality. It turns out that those notions were correct. Those thoughts come from a mind-self admission arising as a disguised plea for surrender. Take that voice as truth and it feels crushing, see the truth in it and it is liberating. That pretending to be something (over-thinking) what I thought I was was not sustainable. It differs form reality in a big way and offers only attention to conditioned imagination. It actually hinges on a set of assumptions enlivened and empowered by good life energy.

The freedom is in allowing the space of awareness to be un-over-thought, to surrender the poisoned understanding all together, to surrender it to to existence which is the only thing that can be known absolutely, existence, being. Give it all over to the river of existence. Take the hand off of the tiller and see what existence does with the mess of over-thinking/ over-knowing. Observe it's destruction as reality itself. That's a much more fun death, seems to me anyway.

Of course seems to me one could always think/understand out of the over-thinking, it may offer some temporary state of improvement, but being at that point where death looks like nice doorway offers something else. Possibly a true attitude to be good and done with a dream of "me", in other words to wake up.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho
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