Problem with dating

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Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Mon Jul 23, 2012 6:31 pm

Hi,

I have realized that all of the dates I have been on have not been fruitful. The maximum number of dates that I go with a particular gal has been 2. It's a bit frustrating. I have been doing some reflection and this is what I have realized.

I have made the girls that I have gone out with a means to an end. I was more interested in hoping that she would end up with me rather than getting to know her. In my mind im thinking, 'if its not her than the next gal.'

Recent dates have that awkward vibe to them. I do cold approach pick up. Thats how i meet gals. So i have felt the awkwardness and have not been able to deal with it. Its not awkward in the sense that there is no talking. Its just that its not a conversation that is led by the vibe between the 2 of us.

I have began taking conventional dating advice, i,e. stuff like getting to know her better,etc.

Any spiritual advice for me?

Thanks
Jayakanth
 
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Jul 23, 2012 10:27 pm

Nice noticing on the means to an end Jaya... it would feel a bit awkward.

'Dating' merely means setting aside some time to BE with someone, usually in a shared activity/pursuit.

What do you enjoy doing? What activity brings you the most joy? What brings out the authentic 'you'?
Do that and 'share' it with someone if you and they feel they would enjoy it too.
The being with multiplies the joy.

When you're authentic and you leave room for others to be authentic in joy there is no awkwardness.

Guess that's not really 'spiritual' advice lol!!
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby the key master » Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:47 am

Jayakanth wrote:Hi,

I have realized that all of the dates I have been on have not been fruitful. The maximum number of dates that I go with a particular gal has been 2. It's a bit frustrating. I have been doing some reflection and this is what I have realized.

I have made the girls that I have gone out with a means to an end. I was more interested in hoping that she would end up with me rather than getting to know her. In my mind im thinking, 'if its not her than the next gal.'

Recent dates have that awkward vibe to them. I do cold approach pick up. Thats how i meet gals. So i have felt the awkwardness and have not been able to deal with it. Its not awkward in the sense that there is no talking. Its just that its not a conversation that is led by the vibe between the 2 of us.

I have began taking conventional dating advice, i,e. stuff like getting to know her better,etc.

Any spiritual advice for me?

Thanks


I think it was Ramana Maharshi who said "All bitches is stank ass hoes." No, wait, that was someone else. Nevermind, hehe.

If anything take a look at how you are "dealing with" the awkwardness. See if you can notice an underlying feeling. Maybe even better, see if you can notice the unconscious desire to "not feel that feeling". Maybe its not the awkwardness which is the issue, but the unwillingness to feel the awkwardness, which can be really awkward yar? There may be some underlying fear of intimacy(not necessarily physical)/vulnerability operating on an unconscious level. If you see it, it isn't unconscious anymore. Ironically, the willingness to be totally vulnerable is invulnerability. Weird how that works 8)

--j
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:27 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:Nice noticing on the means to an end Jaya... it would feel a bit awkward.

'Dating' merely means setting aside some time to BE with someone, usually in a shared activity/pursuit.

What do you enjoy doing? What activity brings you the most joy? What brings out the authentic 'you'?
Do that and 'share' it with someone if you and they feel they would enjoy it too.
The being with multiplies the joy.

When you're authentic and you leave room for others to be authentic in joy there is no awkwardness.

Guess that's not really 'spiritual' advice lol!!


Well, I have realised that if the vibe is good, regardless of where you take her, it will go ok. As long as Im not in my head and relaxed and centered, not wanting any outcome, things go ok. I guess when u say authentic, u mean not hiding anything and just being yourself? And i guess the authenticity has to arise internally first and then expressed in words?
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Tue Jul 24, 2012 9:40 am

the key master wrote:
Jayakanth wrote:Hi,

I have realized that all of the dates I have been on have not been fruitful. The maximum number of dates that I go with a particular gal has been 2. It's a bit frustrating. I have been doing some reflection and this is what I have realized.

I have made the girls that I have gone out with a means to an end. I was more interested in hoping that she would end up with me rather than getting to know her. In my mind im thinking, 'if its not her than the next gal.'

Recent dates have that awkward vibe to them. I do cold approach pick up. Thats how i meet gals. So i have felt the awkwardness and have not been able to deal with it. Its not awkward in the sense that there is no talking. Its just that its not a conversation that is led by the vibe between the 2 of us.

I have began taking conventional dating advice, i,e. stuff like getting to know her better,etc.

Any spiritual advice for me?

Thanks


I think it was Ramana Maharshi who said "All bitches is stank ass hoes." No, wait, that was someone else. Nevermind, hehe.

If anything take a look at how you are "dealing with" the awkwardness. See if you can notice an underlying feeling. Maybe even better, see if you can notice the unconscious desire to "not feel that feeling". Maybe its not the awkwardness which is the issue, but the unwillingness to feel the awkwardness, which can be really awkward yar? There may be some underlying fear of intimacy(not necessarily physical)/vulnerability operating on an unconscious level. If you see it, it isn't unconscious anymore. Ironically, the willingness to be totally vulnerable is invulnerability. Weird how that works 8)

--j


During the date, it's hard for me to be conscious enough to pay attention to the awkwardness. There is an unconscious desire to not feel awkward. And there are underlying issues which could be causing the awkwardness. :

1. Past conditioning which reminds me of how most of my dates have started out awkward.
2. Not wanting the date to be awkward.
3.Guilt of me doing cold approach pick up in malls. Most girls ask me whether i do this all the time and i have denied it. They do have the sense that i do this all the time.

Another question I have is this? What does it mean to get to know a girl? I have been bombarded with tons of stuff and I need some clarity. Some girls have told me that i do not seem interested enough. That i don't give enough trustworthy vibes.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby the key master » Tue Jul 24, 2012 10:51 pm

Jayakanth wrote:
the key master wrote:
Jayakanth wrote:Hi,

I have realized that all of the dates I have been on have not been fruitful. The maximum number of dates that I go with a particular gal has been 2. It's a bit frustrating. I have been doing some reflection and this is what I have realized.

I have made the girls that I have gone out with a means to an end. I was more interested in hoping that she would end up with me rather than getting to know her. In my mind im thinking, 'if its not her than the next gal.'

Recent dates have that awkward vibe to them. I do cold approach pick up. Thats how i meet gals. So i have felt the awkwardness and have not been able to deal with it. Its not awkward in the sense that there is no talking. Its just that its not a conversation that is led by the vibe between the 2 of us.

I have began taking conventional dating advice, i,e. stuff like getting to know her better,etc.

Any spiritual advice for me?

Thanks


I think it was Ramana Maharshi who said "All bitches is stank ass hoes." No, wait, that was someone else. Nevermind, hehe.

If anything take a look at how you are "dealing with" the awkwardness. See if you can notice an underlying feeling. Maybe even better, see if you can notice the unconscious desire to "not feel that feeling". Maybe its not the awkwardness which is the issue, but the unwillingness to feel the awkwardness, which can be really awkward yar? There may be some underlying fear of intimacy(not necessarily physical)/vulnerability operating on an unconscious level. If you see it, it isn't unconscious anymore. Ironically, the willingness to be totally vulnerable is invulnerability. Weird how that works 8)

--j


During the date, it's hard for me to be conscious enough to pay attention to the awkwardness. There is an unconscious desire to not feel awkward.


Its not unconscious anymore partner :wink:

And there are underlying issues which could be causing the awkwardness. :

1. Past conditioning which reminds me of how most of my dates have started out awkward.
2. Not wanting the date to be awkward.


Well, there's probably some underlying anxiety being projected into the situation. On a certain level, you're likely trying to "hide this anxiety" from your date who you perceive as separate from yourself. In a way, you may even feel ashamed that its there. What you can try which might help alleviate this in future, is opening up about it. Just say, like the cool cat that you are, "Ah i feel a little nervous", or express whatever you might be feeling in whatever way you might want to express it. You got your own style i'm sure, but its likely the "unwillingness to show your emotions" which is getting in the way. Or talk about your experience with a friend or sumthin. Sometimes "verbalizing" what's going on internally can help bring certain blind spots into the light, so that when gametime comes, you'll be conscious of what you're looking at.

3.Guilt of me doing cold approach pick up in malls. Most girls ask me whether i do this all the time and i have denied it. They do have the sense that i do this all the time.


Well, the girl/s you're picking up are likely dealing with their own issues, and "getting picked up in a mall" might actually be an idea which causes a shameful feeling coupled with a desire to avoid that feeling within themselves. So, you probably got more in common than you think! (i wouldnt point this out to them however) If you want to be honest, be honest. If you wanna fib, then fib. (face palm :wink: )

Another question I have is this? What does it mean to get to know a girl? I have been bombarded with tons of stuff and I need some clarity. Some girls have told me that i do not seem interested enough. That i don't give enough trustworthy vibes.


Good question. Maybe you're asking the wrong guy haha. Try being a little more open with your own thoughts and feelings during these social interactions. When we hide something from other people, when we approach an "other" with a desire to get something out of them, be it sex, happiness, fulfillment, recognition, we are coming to the table with a personal agenda, a demand on what is, an expectation of what should be, and in doing so we cut ourselves off from the infinite potential of whatever may happen to happen. Be open. Almost everyone I've ever met has trust issues, so its not uncommon for these issues to be projected onto you. Trust has to be earned, in a way, and you have to allow time to solve that riddle. Its not for you to say when and if someone else should trust you. Recognize that, and honor that whoever you happen to be conversing with. Then if something more comes of that, be it friendship, romance, a quick wam bam thank you mam, it will have done so spontaneously without the "desire to control" the other getting in the way. If you surrender the desire to control someone else's actions, what do you have to worry about?
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby karmarider » Wed Jul 25, 2012 2:56 am

Jayanth, you're doing just fine. You're using your intuition, you're noticing. If you're able to approach women and ask them out, you're already pretty far ahead. You don't need spiritual advice. You're over-thinking this--relax and enjoy.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 4:11 am

I guess when u say authentic, u mean not hiding anything and just being yourself? And i guess the authenticity has to arise internally first and then expressed in words?

Sometimes people put 'monkey-suits' over themselves trying to be what they think another wants them to be. If you 'believe' you need to do this it makes everything such an effort to keep up those falsities and because its intending to influence another it means you have to keep 'checking' if it's working.

Far easier to just be who you are and let everything unfold as it will.

I'd suggest be who you are with your best friend, one that knows you burp, fart, laugh, cry, make mis-takes and don't know everything, .... and doesn't expect you to be any different. They love you just the way you are and just enjoy spending time with you. I'd also suggest you be like that to yourself too.

That is how you come (get) to know someone and it is a great privilege.

Honesty, is the highest form of love. And love is who you really are.

Honesty is 'farting' and saying oh excuse me (for the smell I just let off in your direction), ah, that feels better.
Rather than busting your guts trying to pretend that you don't fart, or that your farts don't smell.

Sorry for being so basic, but really dressing yourself up in a monkey suit of falsity and taking yourself so seriously is really just like pretending you don't fart.

Here's a news flash... so does everyone else!

Ah, that feels better, excuse me. :wink:
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby karmarider » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:38 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:Honesty is 'farting' and saying oh excuse me (for the smell I just let off in your direction)...


Look out, people! :)

The first fart in a relationship can be explained as the body's subconscious desire to take honesty and the relationship to next level. It's worked for me every time, hehe!
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby coriolis » Wed Jul 25, 2012 6:06 pm

karmarider wrote:
smiileyjen101 wrote:Honesty is 'farting' and saying oh excuse me (for the smell I just let off in your direction)...


Look out, people! :)

The first fart in a relationship can be explained as the body's subconscious desire to take honesty and the relationship to next level. It's worked for me every time, hehe!



Therefore the phrase..."Love Stinks".
Look deeply inside yourself and try to find yourself.
The ensuing failure is the true finding
---- Wu Hsin
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Wed Jul 25, 2012 8:03 pm

I have realized that when u r centered and in ur body, the gal starts reacting to me. I have also realized that I have not been comfortable with myself in some dates because my life situations is not 'good' enough in comparison to hers. (She experiencing the world, traveling, good social life, etc) Well, I have realized that I just gotta accept that and be comfortable with that.

And what does it mean when the gal says that she knows me more than i know her? I felt a bit down when that was said. It implied that i lacked the social skills or watever to get to know someone.

Thanks.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jul 25, 2012 9:53 pm

You know something, I don't think I've ever spent any time with someone because of their 'life situation'. It's usually the person I want to spend time with.

And what does it mean when the gal says that she knows me more than i know her? I felt a bit down when that was said. It implied that i lacked the social skills or watever to get to know someone.

Did she say - 'you lack the social skills to get to know someone', or did she say she (thinks she) knows you more than you know her?

If this is the same girl, maybe she knows her life isn't the bed of roses you think it is. All things are a compromise, if you're doing one thing you can't do another at the same time, you take one path and really no 'choice' is any better than any other, they all come with their own opportunities for growth and issues to work through. These are a little harder to see from over the garden fence, which is why the saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side' arose.

Instead of 'closing' in fear that she was judging you, an open response 'centred in the body' might have been something like - tell me more, I'm listening, or tell me a story.

The first fart in a relationship can be explained as the body's subconscious desire to take honesty and the relationship to next level. It's worked for me every time, hehe

Yes, the response can be a real stink or a 'clearing' of the air (room, building) hehehe!
I thoroughly recommend it even before the first kiss, although, I didn't learn that until really late in life.

Ooh Jaya... maybe she thinks you don't know that her farts stink (??) that you have an 'idea' of her in a monkey suit, rather than who she really is.

I know it 'feels' like serious business, dating and getting to know someone and putting yourself out there etc etc the truth is it doesn't have to be a sizing up 'contest', it can just be fun, relaxing WITH someone.

Edit: I was just pondering about 'dating' and all the angst etc that arises and realised my best 'dates' weren't 'dates' at all, they were just BEING with someone for a time. A 'date' to get to know someone is limited to what arises within that time. If the focus is something beyond 'being' with someone it gets all mixed up in the expectations.

So I think I'll go back to the beginning -
Nice noticing on the means to an end Jaya... it would feel a bit awkward.
'Dating' merely means setting aside some time to BE with someone.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Sun Jul 29, 2012 9:52 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:Did she say - 'you lack the social skills to get to know someone', or did she say she (thinks she) knows you more than you know her?


She said that she thinks that she knows me more than i know her.

Thanks for all the advice. It was reassuring. Are there also books that you can recommend on this?
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:04 am

Are there also books that you can recommend on this?

You can look at this online as well, but probably the most 'helpful' book I've found helps you to understand that sometimes what you're hearing or feeling, may not be what someone else 'meant' to convey and to notice more that 'something just happened' and rather than jump to any personal conclusion hold off and say 'what was it?'.

That might be a strange introduction to the book 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman.
The book puts mis-interpreting situations into a whole new understanding of communicating and our reactions to things that don't seem to 'say' what we thought we were saying, or hearing. I guess I chose this one because you 'assumed' what that girl 'meant' by something she said, and you may have the donkey by the tail.

More than any book I think I've ever read on relating, this one helps you to understand your 'processing' of information and stimuli, and to 'notice' that others don't process the same things with the same weight and value. It has great examples of the difference in employing this understanding. I'd suggest not just in romantic or close relationships, but all encounters.

from 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Fri Aug 03, 2012 11:10 am

Jayakanth wrote:That might be a strange introduction to the book 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman.


Yup, listening to the audio version.

Any other books that you have read on the subject that can help?
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