Problem with dating

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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Sat Aug 04, 2012 4:56 am

Jaya, if you've read Power of Now and A New Earth, you will have a pretty good understanding both of what's going on inside of you, and what 'might' be going on inside of others. Hopefully you will have learned the folly of letting ego rule your life, noticing and being gentle and loving when ego is running others' lives and how to move into awakened being, in the moment, in acceptance or joy or enthusiasm.

If you've then read or heard The five love languages you will understand that within our physical separations and perceptions one thing may not look/feel/sound the same to different people.

Of course there are myriads of books on the subject - interesting thing I noticed after reading five love languages is that they were written from one of those perspectives and at times assuming that was the only perspective. As an example the 'advice' given in relationship guru John Gray's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' are sometimes directly contradictory to advice given in 'Real Moments' by relationship guru Barbara De Angelis. For instance John Grey suggests when men are pulling away to .let them go to their cave and not tug on an elastic band, they will be back in their own time and will be even more attentive and appreciative to spend quality time with you. Barbara De Angelis suggests instead to implement a practice of three thirty second kisses every day - as a way of ensuring intimacy.

Now, if you've read/heard five love languages you'll easily see the difference in perspectives and love languages; and if they each followed and had expectations around their own advice/preferences... well, it might explain their divorce :!:

So I guess I want to say if you know awareness and you know ego and you know love languages - what more is there that you could learn any better than living it?

So I do have a great suggestion for you - it's called the Book of Life and Living it - and it's written by Jayakanth, one moment at a time, in full surround sound and colour, with depth and emotion; and suspense and mystery; surprise and disappointments; dramatic and calm times; thrills and spills; twists and turns; complex characters with real flaws that you learn to love; whooping joyous times and gut-wrenching sad times; conflict and harmony; air-punching successes and breath holding mis-takes.

It's a real page turner that just gets better and better as you read it.

The interesting thing I've learned is so many go 'looking' for The Book of Life. They search high and low and far and wide. At the end of their long, perilous, arduous journey they reach the top of the mountain and there on a sacred stone lies a great, bound, heavy book with the gilt edged title shining in the sun - The Book of Life.

Almost too weary from their searching to reach it, they struggle and strain once more.
They turn the heavy cover.
And on the first page -
is a mirror.

They cannot believe their eyes.
The one so young who set out so sure there was one book that would hold all the wisdoms, one book that could tell them how to love, how to live... this one so young is now staring back from the mirror, old, wizened, wrinkled and weary.
They think for a moment all the years I spent searching, but I made it!! Here it is!! The Book of Life...
They turn the page eager to learn the secrets so hidden from them.

The page says 'You were born.'
They say 'Yes I know I was born'.. and quickly turned to the next page eager to learn the secrets of life.

The page says "You lived from that day to this.'

They say "Yes, yes.. I know this... I want to know the secrets of life.'

They turn the page and find it is the inside of the back cover.

It too is a mirror.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:59 pm

smiileyjen101 wrote:Jaya, if you've read Power of Now and A New Earth, you will have a pretty good understanding both of what's going on inside of you, and what 'might' be going on inside of others. Hopefully you will have learned the folly of letting ego rule your life, noticing and being gentle and loving when ego is running others' lives and how to move into awakened being, in the moment, in acceptance or joy or enthusiasm.

If you've then read or heard The five love languages you will understand that within our physical separations and perceptions one thing may not look/feel/sound the same to different people.

Of course there are myriads of books on the subject - interesting thing I noticed after reading five love languages is that they were written from one of those perspectives and at times assuming that was the only perspective. As an example the 'advice' given in relationship guru John Gray's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' are sometimes directly contradictory to advice given in 'Real Moments' by relationship guru Barbara De Angelis. For instance John Grey suggests when men are pulling away to .let them go to their cave and not tug on an elastic band, they will be back in their own time and will be even more attentive and appreciative to spend quality time with you. Barbara De Angelis suggests instead to implement a practice of three thirty second kisses every day - as a way of ensuring intimacy.

Now, if you've read/heard five love languages you'll easily see the difference in perspectives and love languages; and if they each followed and had expectations around their own advice/preferences... well, it might explain their divorce :!:

So I guess I want to say if you know awareness and you know ego and you know love languages - what more is there that you could learn any better than living it?

So I do have a great suggestion for you - it's called the Book of Life and Living it - and it's written by Jayakanth, one moment at a time, in full surround sound and colour, with depth and emotion; and suspense and mystery; surprise and disappointments; dramatic and calm times; thrills and spills; twists and turns; complex characters with real flaws that you learn to love; whooping joyous times and gut-wrenching sad times; conflict and harmony; air-punching successes and breath holding mis-takes.

It's a real page turner that just gets better and better as you read it.

The interesting thing I've learned is so many go 'looking' for The Book of Life. They search high and low and far and wide. At the end of their long, perilous, arduous journey they reach the top of the mountain and there on a sacred stone lies a great, bound, heavy book with the gilt edged title shining in the sun - The Book of Life.

Almost too weary from their searching to reach it, they struggle and strain once more.
They turn the heavy cover.
And on the first page -
is a mirror.

They cannot believe their eyes.
The one so young who set out so sure there was one book that would hold all the wisdoms, one book that could tell them how to love, how to live... this one so young is now staring back from the mirror, old, wizened, wrinkled and weary.
They think for a moment all the years I spent searching, but I made it!! Here it is!! The Book of Life...
They turn the page eager to learn the secrets so hidden from them.

The page says 'You were born.'
They say 'Yes I know I was born'.. and quickly turned to the next page eager to learn the secrets of life.

The page says "You lived from that day to this.'

They say "Yes, yes.. I know this... I want to know the secrets of life.'

They turn the page and find it is the inside of the back cover.

It too is a mirror.


Yes thank you! I needed that.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Sat Jan 26, 2013 11:52 am

I had this text the other day from a gal that said.

Me :hey, able to meet for dinner this coming week?
Her : nope I don't so
Me : Alright!
Her : Yepp sorry! Maybe you should try dating other girls instead.
Me : Ermm.. Why the sudden change?
Her ; Not exactly the sudden change.. It's just that, I really don't want to give you the wrong idea and waste your time.

Me :Ok ermm. Than why did u even agree to go out in the first place? And I said we r gonna be frens first.

Yeah I'm not saying we can't be friends anymore or can't meet anymore for a meal. Just thought it'll be better to tell you not to wait if there are other better girls? But of course we are still friends(:

her : Hey hope you don't get offended. It's just that I don't want to give you false hope while I'm not able to commit. But I've definitely treated you sincerely as a friend.

I have seen an improvement in the girls that i have gone out with. Things are less awkward. Im enjoying more of their company. But, i also realize that i am still looking outside of myself to feel fullfilled. Maybe i have become more centred with the inner body meditation and ET teachings. I feel much better, lesser fears. However, i have to admit to myself that im still looking for a gal to feel more secure. Inwardly, i feel the need to prove myself to people who have hurt me/put me down in the past. And this trend will continue as long as i meet other people who hurt me. My question is how can i inquire into this? Do i enquire into the hurts that i have? Or do i start with findig out my need for a girl.

The fear of loss is still present to a certain extent. For this gal, i felt so afraid of approacing other gals that i had to watch my back each time i approached in public.I had this fear that she will find out. And after approaching, i text her just to see if she had spotted me. (Text somethin random to check to see if she replies)

This is not the first time this is happening. Im just highlighting the more recent case. Im not sure that in the conservative society im from that gals find this method of meeting someone to be acceptable to them. A lot of them tell me its wieird that i did that but i enjoy the dates that i hav with them. Its quite find and pleasurable for me and for them i believe. But after a while, ill get this type of text.

There is no point in me getting a lot of gals and losing the sooner or later. I know that i have to go within myself to find out. I would appreciate advice!
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:26 pm

Anyone?
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby goldieflower » Sun Jan 27, 2013 10:32 pm

.
Last edited by goldieflower on Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby tod » Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:58 pm

Jayakanth wrote:However, i have to admit to myself that im still looking for a gal to feel more secure. Inwardly, i feel the need to prove myself to people who have hurt me/put me down in the past. And this trend will continue as long as i meet other people who hurt me. My question is how can i inquire into this? Do i enquire into the hurts that i have? Or do i start with findig out my need for a girl.


You start by acknowledging your neediness and then stop all the needy behaviour. If you "feel a need" that feeling is a result of what you have been thinking.

Eg, when you say "Inwardly, i feel the need to prove myself to people who have hurt me/put me down in the past. And this trend will continue as long as i meet other people who hurt me." This trend or activity will continue as long as you think such needy thoughts. No one 'out there' hurts you. It is only your own thinking that is hurting you. Watch these hurtful thoughts as they arise.

Another example: "i felt so afraid of approacing other gals that i had to watch my back each time i approached in public." You felt afraid because you were thinking fearful thoughts.

Watch for this type of thinking.

--

You come across, in this thread, to me, as very one dimensional, as if your only real interest is 'cruising for girls in the mall'. I am not at all surprised at the girls (perhaps eventual) reactions if this is the case.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:12 pm

On a related note to this, what is self esteem? And do I have to bother trying to improve my self esteem? Doesent self esteem imply a self image?

What i have realized that my self image has improved because of cold approach. When i first started out, it was dreadful. I felt most of my approaches were done out of a need. Nothing was natural. Well now, it feels that its the most natural thing. I enjoy myself when i approach. I go out hoping to meet someone that i connect withThe result is secondary, i do it for the fun of meeting girls. I have been exposed to so many fearful and painful experiences which have forced me to let go. The inner body meditation has helped so much.

However, i have built up an ego that I am ' good with gals'. I need to stop strengthening this image. My observation is that these gals are repelled after a while because they can intuitively feel that i am pushing for something. This is forcing me to investigate into why i am needy. Of course, when i first started i felt super needy and that sucked. But now, its so much better.

I have balanced out my life by working out, gymming, working on my core purpose, focusing on my studies, hanging out more with frens, reading books, learning abt spirituality, etc..
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby smiileyjen101 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:49 pm

On a related note to this, what is self esteem? And do I have to bother trying to improve my self esteem? Doesent self esteem imply a self image?


Esteem.... Synonyms
noun. respect - regard - estimation - deference - reverence
verb. respect - value - regard - honour - honor - appreciate



Is what you are doing now (in each and every moment) respectful, reverent, honourable and appreciative of self and others?

To be so is to have self esteem, to recognise the God in you, and the God in all others.

How one regards self and others, how one treats them - with honesty the highest form of love for self and others - determines the relational experience one has with self and with others.

I think the girl you're posting about has a great deal of esteem, honesty, appreciation, regard, deference, reverence and honour.

Ego has nothing to do with it. Honesty does.
Our rights start deep within our humanity; they end where another's begin~~ SmileyJen
http://www.balancinginfluences.com
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby SandyJoy » Thu Jan 31, 2013 3:40 am

smiileyjen101 wrote:
On a related note to this, what is self esteem? And do I have to bother trying to improve my self esteem? Doesent self esteem imply a self image?


Esteem.... Synonyms
noun. respect - regard - estimation - deference - reverence
verb. respect - value - regard - honour - honor - appreciate



Is what you are doing now (in each and every moment) respectful, reverent, honourable and appreciative of self and others?

To be so is to have self esteem, to recognise the God in you, and the God in all others.

How one regards self and others, how one treats them - with honesty the highest form of love for self and others - determines the relational experience one has with self and with others.

I think the girl you're posting about has a great deal of esteem, honesty, appreciation, regard, deference, reverence and honour.

Ego has nothing to do with it. Honesty does.



Wow! Jen!! Beautiful!! That just radiates the glow in My Heart! -- Be-you-ti-full!! Beams of Light.
You are not finished, until you play in that meadow and live there. You can, you know. But only you can take yourself there.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby lakeswimr » Thu Jan 31, 2013 4:04 pm

I did not read the whole thread but I would recommend a few things. One is listening. I am working on that myself. :) What I find is that most people like people who are good at listening. To me listening is a spiritual thing because it means I'm not trying to do something. I'm present and enjoying the feeling of being with this other person. I listen not only with my ears but with my inner self and feel that I can feel their energy as a person. I often sit and smile, enjoying their energy, not just the words they are saying. In fact, the words they say are only very surface level when I'm doing this. Not to say their words aren't important but that I get more out of their energy than their words.

And I try to listen without thinking of a list of things I'm going to say back in response. Without waiting for my chance to say my story. (do that too often!)

I also recommend you consider doing more things you enjoy if you are not already and try to find a potential date more naturally through those activities. Sounds silly but if you are white water rafting in a ski club or hiking club or drawing class or whatever you will naturally meet other people and some you will click with more than others and from that you will have friendships and from that you may have a better chance at a nice relationship based on friendship and common interests.

I have been married a while now so I don't know much about internet dating but apparently that seems to work for many as well as you can specify your interests and likes and dislikes and that might eliminate a lot who would not be as good a fit for you.

With regard to feeling awkward, I think that comes from wanting something. If you are just being you will be more likely to be comfortable with yourself than if you are trying to impress. Certainly thinking of the future and other women before you even know the one you are with is going to block you from giving things a real chance. You ultimately want to find someone in front of whom you can be yourself. Best wishes!
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby lakeswimr » Thu Jan 31, 2013 4:08 pm

Jayakanth wrote:On a related note to this, what is self esteem? And do I have to bother trying to improve my self esteem? Doesent self esteem imply a self image?

What i have realized that my self image has improved because of cold approach. When i first started out, it was dreadful. I felt most of my approaches were done out of a need. Nothing was natural. Well now, it feels that its the most natural thing. I enjoy myself when i approach. I go out hoping to meet someone that i connect withThe result is secondary, i do it for the fun of meeting girls. I have been exposed to so many fearful and painful experiences which have forced me to let go. The inner body meditation has helped so much.

However, i have built up an ego that I am ' good with gals'. I need to stop strengthening this image. My observation is that these gals are repelled after a while because they can intuitively feel that i am pushing for something. This is forcing me to investigate into why i am needy. Of course, when i first started i felt super needy and that sucked. But now, its so much better.

I have balanced out my life by working out, gymming, working on my core purpose, focusing on my studies, hanging out more with frens, reading books, learning abt spirituality, etc..


I think you are right that self esteem has to do with self image. I find when I'm just living my life I'm comfortable with myself. When I start analyzing myself or questioning if I should have said what I said or did what I did or thinking of what someone else thought of me or whatever I'm very self conscious and when I'm present and not analyzing myself I'm comfortable and there isn't any question of self esteem or not.

It sounds like you like the cold approach so maybe that is good for you. I can't say. But I think you would have more chance of things working out if you both have things you like to do together for fun beyond just romantic things--common interests. The cold approach would make it harder to know if you have anything in common at all.

I think that's great that you are focusing on all those things in your life.
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby Jayakanth » Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:09 pm

Thanks for all the replies!

I do still have this constant "search for a gal". Im stil focusing on something outside to make myself fulfiled. Can i be completely secure just by myself? Maybe i need to put that question to myself.
Maybe i need to see why I need a gal. Maybe i need to hang out with more guys. But it seems to me that the guys that i hang out with are also going out with gals. I see that in my mind im comparing.
Is it possible to completely stop all comparison?

Are there any novels/non fiction books that you guys can recommend with regards to this "constant seeking"?

Thansk!
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Re: Problem with dating

Postby johen761 » Thu Jul 25, 2013 3:35 pm

I have made the girls that I have gone out with a means to an end. I was more interested in hoping that she would end up with me rather than getting to know her. In my mind im thinking, 'if its not her than the next gal.'

Recent dates have that awkward vibe to them. I do cold approach pick up. Thats how i meet gals. So i have felt the awkwardness and have not been able to deal with it. Its not awkward in the sense that there is no talking. Its just that its not a conversation that is led by the vibe between the 2 of us.

With regard to feeling awkward, I think that comes from wanting something. If you are just being you will be more likely to be comfortable with yourself than if you are trying to impress. Certainly thinking of the future and other women before you even know the one you are with is going to block you from giving things a real chance. You ultimately want to find someone in front of whom you can be yourself. Best wishes!
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