The importance of honouring our needs.

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The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby Jayakanth » Thu May 16, 2013 10:42 am

I realized that I may have been recognizing my needs for fulfilment but not accepting it completely. The way krishnamurthi teaches is that all these egoic needs are illusions. His self inquiries are meant to enable us to realize that.

I was reading this article by a psychologist. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-craig-malkin/neediness_b_2116608.html

It's not need, then, that engenders neediness. It's fear-- fear of our own needs for connection and the possibility that they won't ever be met. That's what hurtles us into the abject despair of neediness.


I think this statement is so true. When something triggers this fear, I feel it like this painbody near my belly area. I have not been present enough to be aware of it as it arises. Most of the time I have to deal with this after it has arises. And i do feel that this fear doesent just go away at once. It’s like a gradual lessening of the fear. I’m not sure if it can go away like how krishnaurthi hints at? There is always a trigger that causes this ‘fear’ painbody to emerge. Most of the time, this trigger is only indirectly related to the fear.

I have asked this question beforein previous posts : How can i trigger the fear and deal with it using present awareness? I ask myself, “ What am i groping after? What am i seeking? Why am i seeking? What am i escaping from? And also i want to ask, why am i proving myself? I do find that they are all interlinked in this mesh. All related to the self being concerned with itself. Maybe i need to explore more deeply.

So, i have these unfilfilled needs. I dont know how they originated. I dont know why they are in my body now. Perhaps wanting to seek expression? Wanting to be acknowledged? I dont know what these needs are. Any advice?
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby rideforever » Thu May 16, 2013 12:02 pm

Dance a little more, worry a little less.
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby Jayakanth » Fri May 17, 2013 1:49 pm

rideforever wrote:Dance a little more, worry a little less.


Hmm care to elaborate?
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby rideforever » Fri May 17, 2013 5:09 pm

I said Dance !!!! - not elabooooooooooraaaaaate !!!!


Look man ... are you really going to spend your weekend worrying about all this stuff ?
If you want to meditate then stop elaborating, and do so.

Otherwise enjoy !

( anything else is just your mind dancing on you )
I was proud, and I demanded the finest teacher
.. .. and when he appeared
.. .. .. .. I was so small
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby lakeswimr » Sat May 18, 2013 3:51 am

I think that's a pretty good reply, rideforever. :)

I read your link, jayakanth. I think it makes some nice points but I see things differently. For me in my experience, I always used to look for fulfillment and also for myself in other people. That put me in a difficult position because I wasn't in control of anything and I was very needy. I never felt satisfied or if I did, it was quite fleeting because relationships with others are always changing. If I felt others didn't like me I felt upset and wanted them to change or the situation to change. I wanted happy time with friends and others. I wanted romantic relationships with particular people and for those relationships to go a certain way. I wanted certain experiences in life (successful experiences, certain accomplishments, etc). My whole self concept and feelings of self worth seemed to depend on all these things going just so. And they couldn't all go the way I wanted. In fact, most didn't. So, I felt even more needy and frustrated because *sometimes* they would go the 'right way' and I'd believe that if only I did everything 'right' I could arrange my life so I would always feel that satisfaction. Others seemed to be doing that. Why couldn't I, too?

It wasn't until I read ETs books and started practicing presence and had some difficult experiences (very difficult) that I finally could see the futility in pursuing happiness from things outside myself. I am not saying I don't have goals or work towards things or that I don't enjoy others. I do enjoy people. But what I find is that my joy in life comes from focusing internally on Presence. There is a sense of joy that is always there if I only put attention on it. It is like that story I read maybe in ET of the beggar who after a life time of begging and poverty reaches into his pockets to find riches where there all along. All that I was seeking in others is already in us. I couldn't feel it because it was covered up by my thinking, worry, pain body and looking everywhere else for it.

I don't know if the questions you put in your 2nd to last paragraph in your initial post will be fruitful to you or not. If they bring out increased presence then I think they are of value--if they can help you see through false thoughts. But if they increase thought then they might not be helpful.

Once I realized I couldn't fill my 'needs' from external things (other people in particular but also experiences and achievements) *I stopped looking for fulfillment in those things* and I have been so much happier ever since. If you keep looking to fulfill your needs you might not ever feel satisfied. Nothing outside myself could have made me feel satisfied other than for periods of time (most short, some a bit longer), I am sure.
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby Jayakanth » Mon May 20, 2013 11:09 am

Thanks!
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby Jayakanth » Mon May 20, 2013 11:18 am

rideforever wrote:I don't know if the questions you put in your 2nd to last paragraph in your initial post will be fruitful to you or not. If they bring out increased presence then I think they are of value--if they can help you see through false thoughts. But if they increase thought then they might not be helpful.


How should i pose the qestions? Why are specific questions not allowed(are they?) Is it becuase ur mind is looking for an outcome already? How do u inquire? Apart from the general questions, I dont really know how to start investigating. I normally pose the questions after i have read krishnamurthi. But if i know what I am seeking but i dont know why i keep seeking it, can i just pose a question like ' Why do i keep seeking (thing being sought)?

Thanks
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Re: The importance of honouring our needs.

Postby lakeswimr » Mon May 20, 2013 3:16 pm

Byron Katie's 'The Work' is one method of inquiry. You can watch videos of her on youtube, check her website and even check our her books for more info.

I think if you answer the questions in your paragraph above you might find a lot of good things to question during inquiry.

For example, 'i have needs'. Is that really true? I need (such and such). Is that really true? Do you really need the things you think you need in order to be happy?

Byron Katie has people write out how they are feeling unedited and then question each thought. Is it really true? How do I feel when I believe this thought? How would I feel if I no longer had this thought? Is there another thought (turnaround thought) that is equally true or truer? That's just the basics. I'm rushing because I'm in a rush right now. You might like inquiry. It is a good way to see through thoughts and beliefs. It takes time and I don't always want to spend the time on it. But I do tend to use it in an abbreviated way when I recognize the beliefs behind unhappy feelings and question them in my head instead of writing on paper as Byron Katie recommends. When I have done inquiry on paper about feeling upset with others I have almost always found I have done the same things I am angry that the other people did. lol! It can be quite funny.
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