anxiety

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anxiety

Postby grace123 » Sun Jun 16, 2013 10:18 pm

I have been working with becoming more present with the help of (primarily) E Tolle, Michael Singer and Byron Katie's works. I have had issues with anxiety which led me down this path to begin with. I am on the path to enlightenment, on the beginning of the path but on the path nonetheless. It was very reassuring to hear Echkart say in A New Earth that it is "irreversible" once you open the door.

Here is the "problem": Whenever I make "advances" in consciousness, I tend to have an almost immediate "backslide" where I feel intense anxiety. It's like I am raw and sensitive and little things tend to make me intensely anxious. I have noticed that this happens right AFTER I delve deeper into consciousness or clear blocks that my ego has set up. For example, about a month ago I cleared some very heavy emotional baggage/ ego while on a walk in the woods. I could feel intense heaviness well up in me and I was able to get outside of myself. I actually was able to get into my soul and felt my body as heavy as though I were looking on it as an "instrument" (an instrument that I loved but not the real ME). I got very comfortable in this space of my soul and just let these very heavy emotions and deep rooted baggage pass through me. I felt a HUGE relief afterwards and the world looked new to me, as though I had literally shaved off 20 years of my life. Everything looked fresh, new, clean, pure. It had a beauty as though I was experiencing it for the first time.

Right after this I felt this "rawness", like I just needed to be alone for a while. Not a bad feeling but just like I was feeling super delicate and wanted to preserve that newness that I felt. Then, only a few hours later, I had intense anxiety which came and went for days.

I have noticed this pattern of heightened awareness followed by anxiety and body dysmorphia every time now. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this "normal" or is it happening because I have anxiety issues that led me to this to begin with? The body dysmorphia is VERY disconcerting but when I am in my "soul place", it means literally NOTHING. but when I'm not, I terrorize myself with it. I wonder if others had experienced similar??

Thank you in advance for anything you can offer me

-Grace
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:12 pm

Hi Grace,
I have experienced what you describe. Along with the anxiety i usually get physical symptoms like exhaustion or twitching or trembling. It can be disorienting but it seems to pass by.

In Adyashanti's book End of Your World he describes how awakening affects us on three level : intellectual, the heart or emotional and the body or gut. That book helped me make sense of what had been happening to me.
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:42 am

Thank you, Oak tree.

Did the anxiety lessen for you over time? Did you have anxiety before doing this "work"?

I'm not sure if the anxiety is more intense for me after periods of consciousness or that it just FEELS more intense because of my new level of awareness. I want so much to have simple peace of mind for myself and also so that i can model it for my children. Does that peace of mind that Eckhart talks about happen at some point down the spiritual road? Does the anxiety lessen usually after a while?

I found Adyashanti's book on Youtube. Already started watching, thanks!
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:02 am

Yes I had terrible anxiety to begin with it. Now it isn't a problem. If there is anxiety I can watch it, feel the physical sensations and see the thoughts spin without being disturbed by it.

Peace of mind? The nature of mind and thought is to move. It may slow down over time but it is probable thoughts will still arise. Eckhart is pointing to your true self which is always present.

You state in your first post 'when I'm in my 'soul place' it means literally nothing.' Yes, this is where the teachings are pointing us to. It is possible for our attention to remain there even in the midst of our daily lives. Even when thoughts are happening, when anxiety is there. Its possible to be unaffected by them.
However this shift in identification tends to take a while.

You mentioned Byron Katie. If there is a thought or a thought pattern causing the anxiety maybe you can do 'the work' on this thought?
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:33 pm

Ok, I think that I hear what you are saying Oak Tree. So, in other words, it's not that "peace of MIND" lessens but rather that those periods where "this is nothing" broaden out?

Then I could see that the anxiety wouldn't matter so much simply because there wouldn't be much of it to begin with in that state.

Is that what you mean?

Thank you for the Byron Katie suggestion. I will continue doing her 4 questions to the anxiety.

I'm so thankful to be able to read this discussion board. It is exactly what I need right now!
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Mon Jun 17, 2013 2:57 pm

Well, what I really meant was a shift to being the awareness of the person who is anxious instead of being a person who is anxious. Simply witnessing or watching without being affected.

I think that is what you were describing in your original post when you wrote about your experience of getting out of yourself and looking at you as if you were looking at an instrument.

In my experience, this getting out of yourself. happens more and more regularly and the thoughts and emotions are clearly seen to not be a problem.
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:50 pm

Oh, I see now what you are saying Oak Tree!

I had another wave of anxiety today, right after delving into my spiritual self. While in my spiritual "self" there is NO anxiety. It's just a state of BEING. I have noticed that, while in this state, I get very profound "knowings" (for lack of a better word- I just instantaneously KNOW very complex spiritual truths that my thinking mind wouldn't grasp).

It's just when I come out of this state. And I come out OFTEN, that anxiety comes back. Sometimes it clings to things (like I said before, body dysmorphia) and sometimes it's free floating.

Today was a rough day for me as my husband has a lot of issues surrounding Father's Day and lashed out at me when I told him that I'd like to try to connect with one another after the kids went to bed. I stated it nicely and I also made a big effort to make sure that he had the best possible day that I could give him. To my surprise, he got really angry and, although I tried to be in the highest spiritual place that I could get to, he started to attack me with words. His attack went on with him getting angrier and angrier until I finally started to cry. He then got angry that i was "crying on father's day" (tears just seemed to fall of their own accord after he continually barraged me with angry words. I was as silent as possible, just trying to find higher spiritual ground but failing). He went on like this for quite a while and then he left the house and slept on couch.

I was able to fall asleep eventually but have felt a heavy, depressed anxiety (sounds like opposites, I know, but that's what it feels like). Other than the small amount of time that I was able to access my spiritual self, the anxiety is pretty bad...

My husband apologized in text today, explaining that his issues surrounding the day just overtook him (His dad passed away 4 yrs ago). but I still find myself gettting sucked into this void all throughout the morning/ afternoon. ("Do I need to get out of this marriage"...."He has anger issues, what is he teaching the kids"...."Why does he attack me when I did nothing to him?"....etc)

Not sure if I'm making much sense here, not even sure what my point is....i guess that my hope is that my words are helpful to someone.
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Mon Jun 17, 2013 10:25 pm

Maybe what's surfacing now had been repressed? I know sometimes we try to avoid painful issues until we can't avoid them anymore

I had body dysmorphia for years and all sorts of anxieties. Very severe at times. My boyfriends were angry and critical. (I'm single now). My issues probably attracted me to them.

Whatever path we take I think its important to be honest with ourselves and face whatever comes up.
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:28 am

I think you are right, Oak tree, what is surfacing now definitely has been repressed for me. Were you referring to me or my husband? Or both?

Ok, so you also had body dysmorphia?? Is it completely out of your life now then?

My husband has anger issues. He's been working on dissolving this for years now....Part of me can't stand him and thinks that I need to leave when the kids get old enough and part of me says to stick it out, that things will improve.
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:00 am

Yes I was referring to both!

I had BDD since I was a teenager. What happens now is if an underlying thought appears I see it as simply being a thought and that's that. They don't cause disturbance or bouts of misery and anxiety like they used to.

Its good that your husband is working to dissolve his anger. At least he acknowledges his problem. Is he not getting to the core of it? I wonder is he sincerely interested in dissolving it or just trying to keep the peace with you by appearing to be working on it?

Maybe at some point you will have a clear knowingness whether to stay or leave. I know it's not an easy decision.
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 6:57 pm

wow, just to know someone else overcame BDD is so reassuring to me!! thank you!

i gave your words a lot of thought, Oak tree, and came to this conclusion: yes, he is sincerely interested in dissolving his anger. there have been times in the past where he wasn't serious but he has reached a point in his life where he is ready and actually doing the work that he needs to do.

he does have backslides as does most everyone, i would imagine...

he just has, as Tolle would say "an enormously heavy pain body". It's sometimes too much for me and i know he doesn't even see me, just his pain. i need to clear some more and hopefully decisions regarding him will become obvious.
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Re: anxiety

Postby oak tree » Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:15 pm

Grace,I can understand it's taking time to dissolve, that sounds normal. I agree about the backslides. Had plenty of them myself!
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Re: anxiety

Postby rachMiel » Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:15 pm

The deep change that you're talking about -- the "awakening" process -- can be terrifying. It's you finding out that you ... are ultimately a fiction. It's like looking in the mirror and seeing no-thing there. What could be scarier?

Fear of loss of self is an inevitable part of The Change. Be brave, persevere, have patience and compassion for yourself. Life opens up when self recedes.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ...
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Re: anxiety

Postby grace123 » Wed Jun 19, 2013 12:19 am

thank you!

Sometimes I think I create the anxiety to slow down the process. I'm actually pretty sure that some aspect of my "self", probably what Tolle would call the "ego" is coming to the forefront, pulling out all the stops in order to slow down the awakening. It makes so much sense now. When I'm dealing with panic or BDD, it makes NO sense but right NOW it makes sense, lol.
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Re: anxiety

Postby rachMiel » Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:28 am

grace123 wrote:thank you!

Sometimes I think I create the anxiety to slow down the process. I'm actually pretty sure that some aspect of my "self", probably what Tolle would call the "ego" is coming to the forefront, pulling out all the stops in order to slow down the awakening.

That sounds about right.

Poor ego, finding out that it's ultimately just a compelling story. No wonder it's freaking out! ;-)
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