jealousy/betrayal in relationships

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jealousy/betrayal in relationships

Postby kodanope » Tue Apr 29, 2014 3:00 pm

Last year i ended a relationship where I had become very suspicious of my partner and it got to the point where I had to end it because I couldn't live with myself. Ultimately he cheated on me, however I realised I was being paranoid and jealous, even with new people I have subsequently met.
At the time, I told myself I was just having issues with betrayal, but after a few experiences I've had since then, along with asking myself hypothetical questions to deduct why I felt the way I did, I arrived at the conclusion that it is in fact a jealously issue. Specifically because, through asking myself hypotheticals, for example if I saw him with someone who I considered less attractive than myself, I was much more (but maybe not 100%) ok with that
This was a little bit of clarity for me. Previously I was in this state of blaming someone else for feeling how felt.. calling it betrayal, was not doing me any favours.. no wonder I was still struggling with it.. I was playing the victim!
After realising this I decided to look up jealousy and where it comes from. Logically I knew it was based on a sense of being replaced or feeling like you don't measure up to someone else. This is the sort of stuff that is really at the core of most of my emotional issues (and I think it's very much the same for most people, given the culture we live in)
I found this wonderful link.
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/CY-JEAL.html

I'll let you have a read through yourself. But I would really appreciate some of your thoughts on this. I've never had some noticable emotional breakthroughs that happen so fast, but I feel noticeably, less anxious and essentially less insecure in general.. not just with relationships, but with quite a few different areas.
I really think that I've always tried to define myself with things that are replaceable, as opposed to realising there is one thing that is completely irreplaceable. Previously I understood this as a concept and I've tried to overcome it over the last 5 years, but I really feel like I understand it so much more now.
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Re: jealousy/betrayal in relationships

Postby peas » Wed Apr 30, 2014 5:14 am

Here lies a very tricky subject. Tread carefully and slowly.

If you have complete openness you will ask the question, "What does cheated on me actually mean?"

There is so much emotion tied in with these phrases, that are all popularised by media, largely TV shows, and yet we rarely ask the big question.

Following that question through to the end, you may find that it means more about what you thought you had created in the relationship with your boyfriend than it means about his actions.

Remember: presence and awareness.
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Re: jealousy/betrayal in relationships

Postby kodanope » Thu May 01, 2014 10:17 am

You might be right.. I can see how looking at it from this kind of perspective disregards the feeling of loss. Although to be honest I am mostly affected by the mild paranoia I feel whenever I start seeing someone, even before any kind of attachment to them forms.
I was really looking for feedback on others experiences with jealousy, and how they noticed that it's foundations are formed in the comparison of others with yourself
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Re: jealousy/betrayal in relationships

Postby viking55803 » Tue May 06, 2014 6:45 pm

Jealousy is an extremely painful emotional condition. Eckhart Tolle discusses this, along with other forms of emotional pain, as belonging to something he calls the "pain body." As someone who has lived for more than 30 years in an intimate relationship with a person who is periodically possessed by frighteningly powerful pain body. When her pain body is active (and jealousy is often part of her pain body) I have learned to remain silent and consciously present despite the verbal abuse that this emotional complex (to use a Jungian term) directs toward me. Doing so allows the pain body to burn itself out so that she gradually becomes conscious again of its true source - not me, but the accumulated pain and fear that began in childhood. As soon as she becomes conscious again, we can communicate and I can feel my compassion for her suffering rather than the defensiveness that her pain body can trigger in me. This defensiveness is a protective mechanism, but conscious presence or awareness makes it unnecessary since there is nothing to defend!

May I suggest a couple of links to ET discussing this? Here is one of a two part audio where he discusses the pain body itself:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PCSe2cqY_w

And another where he describes exactly what I do when I come into contact with my partner's pain body:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcYrm7h86Rk

Gary
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Re: jealousy/betrayal in relationships

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Tue May 06, 2014 8:57 pm

Hello kodanope,

I'd just like to say thank you for sharing your life experience here. From my perspective here it seems you have shown great courage to investigate whether the source of your unhappiness was actually in yourself more than in others. Many people go their whole lives without turning inside, instead blaming everything they see as separate from them.

I used to have problems with jealousy too. I was very insecure in relationships and would try to control people as a way of making sure they didn't leave me. I would envy people who I thought were more associated with things I wanted to be than i was (I remember feeling physically sick when I found out someone at work was only a year older than me but was a few significant career steps ahead of me). That's all been falling away over the last few months - it feels like someone else's story now. I did a similar thing to what you describe - questioning myself and investigating my reaction to situations (hypothetical and real life as they happen).

It sounds like you're in a better place now. How do you feel about the future and your future relationships?

Much love,

Jack
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