Help!!!!!

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SamiT
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Help!!!!!

Post by SamiT » Sun Nov 25, 2018 9:28 pm

Hello all

I'm new here. I am a fan of Eckhart Tolle, Mooji, Adyshanti and have recently found Fred Davis and Rupert Spira.

I have suffered with health anxiety and debilitating fear for the last 6 years. I have come to understand this is all Ego based (I think). I have had some extremely dark suicidal thoughts that have been frightening. Has this all been the story of the Ego?

I have recently read The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer and am now aware of the ever present awareness within us all.

I tend to keep getting dragged along by the Ego and the debilitating sensations of fear and then I can become aware of the Ego again before once again getting dragged back In.

Any help from anyone would be much appreciated.

Sami x

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kiki
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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by kiki » Sun Nov 25, 2018 11:36 pm

I have come to understand this is all Ego based (I think). I have had some extremely dark suicidal thoughts that have been frightening. Has this all been the story of the Ego?
Yes.
I have recently read The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer and am now aware of the ever present awareness within us all.
That's good. Becoming aware of presence is the key in rooting out fear.

Every story is a mind/ego creation. Ego identity gives the impression that these stories are true. Explore the nature of the ego to determine whether it is real or not; see if you can locate it, notice where it makes its appearance. Can you find it outside of a narration in the mind? When you dismiss the story of "me" is there anything to be found? If the ego cannot be found to be real then how real are the stories it tells that lead to suicidal thoughts?

Seeing the unsubstantiality of the ego begins to weaken one's identity with it, and that's where presence comes in. Every manifestation, whether within the body/mind (sensations and thoughts) and environment are being witnessed by awareness. Becoming more and more familiar with presence reveals the existence of this ever present awareness, and resting in/as this awareness puts an end to story telling of all kinds. At some point the realization arises that what you are is, in fact, this awareness.

This is something that one must realize directly for oneself rather than just accepting this on a conceptual level. With that realization the opportunity arises to subvert egoic identity with increasing regularity, and that will lead to greater abidance in true nature free of the egoic storyteller.

For most people there will be periods of thought free peaceful presence followed by ego entanglement, but being vigilant and alert to the egoic strategies as they arise the periods of presence become longer and longer. Ego will revert to long established triggers, so each time a trigger is spotted there is the opportunity to return to presence. So it's important to understand how the ego tries to reassert itself so that you can more quickly pull the rug out from under it via presence.
I tend to keep getting dragged along by the Ego and the debilitating sensations of fear and then I can become aware of the Ego again before once again getting dragged back In.
This is quite common, but the recognition that you've been dragged back by ego is a moment of clarity born of awareness. Use those moments of clarity to relax into the present moment. Stay out of the stories by remaining present to the here and now.

Here's a little exercise you can try: Generally, people's attention is conditioned to be focussed on mental activity/stories and physical sensations. Experiment with putting your attention elsewhere, and my suggestion is to see what happens when you sit quietly with eyes closed and put your attention behind your body. When you get the hang of this you can do this with eyes open as well. Try to feel the space behind you, and each time you realize attention has moved back into the mind and the egoic stories it creates return attention behind you. See what happens when you do this. Be curious by making this more of an investigatory game, so approach this with a kind of lightness rather than as some sort of chore.

It's this same idea that Tolle uses when he says to feel the inner body - attention is redirected away from mental processes and stories, and when that happens the present moment/now reveals itself. "Waking up" is always about being fully present in the here and now, and there are many ways to do that. You may even discover some of these for yourself, so don't be afraid to play around with your own unique approach.

Lastly, I'd just like to advise that if you are feeling totally out of control and consumed with suicidal ideas to seek out a health care professional.

By the way, welcome to the forum. Look around - there is a lot here that you can benefit from if you dig back into our vast storehouse of threads.

kiki
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Dcdc
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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Dcdc » Tue Nov 27, 2018 5:46 pm

kiki wrote:
Sun Nov 25, 2018 11:36 pm
Here's a little exercise you can try: Generally, people's attention is conditioned to be focussed on mental activity/stories and physical sensations. Experiment with putting your attention elsewhere, and my suggestion is to see what happens when you sit quietly with eyes closed and put your attention behind your body. When you get the hang of this you can do this with eyes open as well. Try to feel the space behind you, and each time you realize attention has moved back into the mind and the egoic stories it creates return attention behind you. See what happens when you do this. Be curious by making this more of an investigatory game, so approach this with a kind of lightness rather than as some sort of chore.

It's this same idea that Tolle uses when he says to feel the inner body - attention is redirected away from mental processes and stories, and when that happens the present moment/now reveals itself. "Waking up" is always about being fully present in the here and now, and there are many ways to do that. You may even discover some of these for yourself, so don't be afraid to play around with your own unique approach.
These words are gold. Do this, and see what happens using your only eyes : -)

My particular tip is: if you want to, you can just follow your breath during the day. So, just "watch" you breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, breathing out. If you notice "wow, I completely forgot to watch my breath", just come back again: breathing in, breathing out; then, if you notice "wow, I'm following scenarios in my head for a while", again, just come back: breathing in, breathing out. While you remember that, you will never be "out" of your home, because you are your home.

You'll see that the "real world" is not what your mind tells you; it's happening right here, and now. You don't have another place to be, and there is not another place to go; so, stay here.

Be strong, Sami. And come back here more; we'll be here waiting for you : -)

Best regards, my friend.

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by SamiT » Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:01 pm

Thank you both so much. I have suffered for so long. I've seen that many therapists and tried medication all to no avail. I'm so miserable.

Constantly my head tells me all day your going to have a heart attack your going to die. I'm only 33 and I have had extensive cardiac tests. All which came back clear so they said it's anxiety.

All this is my ego? Why does my ego want me to suffer?

I'm really appreciative of all your help. I suppose if my ego is fearful that I'm having a heart attack that the ultimate is I'm afraid of death?

I've heard eckhart say die before you die and realise there is no death.

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by randomguy » Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:06 am

Some really great responses.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

Dcdc
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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Dcdc » Wed Nov 28, 2018 4:15 pm

SamiT wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:01 pm
Thank you both so much. I have suffered for so long. I've seen that many therapists and tried medication all to no avail. I'm so miserable.

Constantly my head tells me all day your going to have a heart attack your going to die. I'm only 33 and I have had extensive cardiac tests. All which came back clear so they said it's anxiety.

All this is my ego? Why does my ego want me to suffer?

I'm really appreciative of all your help. I suppose if my ego is fearful that I'm having a heart attack that the ultimate is I'm afraid of death?

I've heard eckhart say die before you die and realise there is no death.
Hello, my friend. Try to follow your breath while you read my answer, ok? Everything is going to be fine, so relax and breath :- )
SamiT wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:01 pm
Constantly my head tells me all day your going to have a heart attack your going to die. I'm only 33 and I have had extensive cardiac tests. All which came back clear so they said it's anxiety.

All this is my ego? Why does my ego want me to suffer?
Your ego doesn't want you to suffer. The thing is: your ego creates imaginary scenarios for you, and these scenarios can be some times good and some times bad. But regardless if that scenario is good or bad, the fact is that they are not real. Literally is a lie, an illusion world, because it's not happening.

Do you ever dreamed about falling from somewhere? If yes, did you remember how was you when you woke up? Probably your heart were accelerated, and maybe your body increased cortisol. But you were not falling from a build; you were in your bed. Do you understand that your body (or your "manifestation", for example) were living in a fake world in that moment?

It is similar. If you pass a lot of time in an imaginary world that your mind/ego creates, you'll depend of the history that is going on - and you'll live in a fake world as well. This happens with smaller things too; if you are drinking a coffe, but thinking about the tasks you'll have to do when you get in your home, your body/manifestation will respond accordingly, but could be responding/living the present moment. In that case, for example, you can discover when you arrive home that you'll not do these tasks because you received an invitation for a birthday in the last minute and will go to there.

So, do you want to not suffer anymore? Be present. Let yourself be in the real world, one moment of perception at time. Use your ability to create imaginary scenarios only when it has a practical purpose, as to plan a job, for example.
SamiT wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:01 pm
I'm really appreciative of all your help. I suppose if my ego is fearful that I'm having a heart attack that the ultimate is I'm afraid of death?
That doesn't mean anything. These "interpretations" are also form, and, because of that, just make sense in a mental construct world as well. Don't try to "understand" why a mental projection appeared; just bring your self to the present moment the most that you can, and you'll se that although the real world is not pink and shine (because these also are expectations and mental projections), it is so much easier and calmer. The world that is happenning is not fearful and agitated as some mental projections are.
SamiT wrote:
Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:01 pm
I've heard eckhart say die before you die and realise there is no death.
It's exactly this. The point is: we don't die, because we all are one. What dies is our ego; and, if we realize all of this, the ego can """die""" even before our "death".

For last: I'm not a teacher or something like that, and don't have the same extraordinary experience that some people have in this forum. So, continue to come here, and ask absolutely as much as you want. Oh, and don't forget: be here and now :- )

SamiT
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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by SamiT » Thu Nov 29, 2018 1:08 pm

So all this anxiety and fear that I suffer with all these negative thoughts are the source of the ego?

Why is my ego so hostile? It’s it in a funny way trying to protect me?

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by oak tree » Thu Nov 29, 2018 10:34 pm

Are you able to see the thought patterns behind the anxiety?

I used to experience severe anxiety but now I often see the thought as it arises and the anxiety doesn't come. If anxiety does arise I do self-enquiry and this usually leads back to peace.

Eckhart, Mooji and Adyashanti are all great teachers!

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Nov 30, 2018 7:22 am

SamiT wrote:
Thu Nov 29, 2018 1:08 pm
So all this anxiety and fear that I suffer with all these negative thoughts are the source of the ego?

Why is my ego so hostile? It’s it in a funny way trying to protect me?
I wouldn't say they are the source of ego, but rather a byproduct of the particular/unique quality your ego has become. You've got a lot of good pointers in this thread on ego, but I would like to offer mine. Ego is identification with the accumulated beliefs of a lifetime about who and what you are. It's a thought structure that is neither good nor bad. It's just a creation of belief about self. There are endless elements to its structure. It's all based in thought and belief based thought streams, and not presence-awareness.

It is not uncommon in this human experience for a conscious being to create an ego (an identified thought structure) that engenders a lot of pain. It's still about the beliefs we've adopted as truths - especially about self. Negative thoughts are born of the structure of existing beliefs and tend to support it in its structure regardless of whether it's painful or pleasant. Ego doesn't care. It's to a large degree mechanical. Your car doesn't 'care' whether it goes up hill or down. Caring is the function of the driver. Ego, like the body, is an element in the vehicle for human experience.

What actually experiences the pain is you, the underlying fundamental consciousness. What causes the pain is the belief structures, components of ego, that assign judgments of right and wrong about the conditions you live in. Release the judgment making something wrong, (which is the resistance to what is), and the pain will dissipate.

The meditations offered here are for the purpose of getting free of the thought stream flowing from the ego's relentless judgments in order to get to a place ego cannot go. Moving one's conscious perspective from behind the eyes into a larger context is very helpful in stepping out of the exclusive ego identification. There are many good pointers here.

I'll offer one more. Rather than looking out upon the world through your eyes, look 'in' upon the world from a perspective of consciousness. In other words see the world as internal to consciousness as apposed to outside our physical forms. Everything 'within' you, your sight, your hearing, your sense of smell, taste and touch are all 'internal' realities to the consciousness that in essence you are. Tolle taught me this and it's life changing. When the body eventually dies, this consciousness being is what your awareness, your point of reference, will return to. It is a greater reality than the one you know exclusively through your physical senses. You can explore it even now.

WW

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Loffe » Fri Nov 30, 2018 3:28 pm

Webwanderer wrote:
Fri Nov 30, 2018 7:22 am
...
I'll offer one more. Rather than looking out upon the world through your eyes, look 'in' upon the world from a perspective of consciousness. In other words see the world as internal to consciousness as apposed to outside our physical forms. Everything 'within' you, your sight, your hearing, your sense of smell, taste and touch are all 'internal' realities to the consciousness that in essence you are.
...
THIS! Thank you so much!

Loffe
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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Nov 30, 2018 4:54 pm

Yes, I've found we actually step out of thought to adjust to this perspective. Wonderfully clearing. With a little practice and familiarity, one can conduct much of the business of life without losing presence.

WW

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by SamiT » Fri Nov 30, 2018 8:43 pm

*Please could you explain how to do this? I'm struggling to understand how to do this. I'm so sorry I'm new to all this.

I'll offer one more. Rather than looking out upon the world through your eyes, look 'in' upon the world from a perspective of consciousness. In other words see the world as internal to consciousness as apposed to outside our physical forms. Everything 'within' you, your sight, your hearing, your sense of smell, taste and touch are all 'internal' realities to the consciousness that in essence you are. Tolle taught me this and it's life changing. When the body eventually dies, this consciousness being is what your awareness, your point of reference, will return to. It is a greater reality than the one you know exclusively through your physical senses. You can explore it even now

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by Webwanderer » Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:27 pm

First be patient. You don't have to understand it at all. Most people don't ever even consider what you are exploring at this time. Your life will have value to your greater nature regardless of how it unfolds.

As to perspective, it's simply a matter of where in consciousness life is viewed from. Ego is one perspective that depends on physical senses for most of its world view. Ego is fundamentally the thought structure that we identify with as 'me'.

But there is more to all of us than that accumulated thought identification. There is a more fundamental awareness that exists without thought and bodily identification. One way to get a sense of this greater awareness is to view our present moment experience as existing within us. Consider then, what is 'us', or more pointedly, what am I? There is an essence of our being that is not body, is not what we think, and is not what we believe. That true essence is simply awareness. It's more a sense of being than a sense of self.

Recognizing our inherent larger perspective can put our egoic nature in context. Recognition however, comes through experience. One excellent way to gain that experience is to view our world as internal to awareness rather than perceiving it externally through our physical senses.

Look at your surroundings at this moment. Imagine you're looking into a hologram. That 'looking' is more perceiving, and is more recognized through feeling the moment free of thought, than seeing it or through any of the physical senses. Also consider that you are a participant or element of the hologram that can wander around in it simply by moving to a new location. Your vision is simply a point of reference within the hologram in order to perceive in any way you may choose.

Rather than assuming identity as a primary observation point through eyes and ears, feel yourself as a body of consciousness that holds this hologram internally. Look from a sense of spacious awareness with unfolding content rather than simply an element of the content. You are the consciousness, the aware space - within which life experience occurs.

It's truer than you may think. :wink:

WW

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by SamiT » Sat Dec 01, 2018 4:16 pm

All your responses are amazing I Am extremely grateful for all your help and encouragement.

Sometimes I can be extremely aware of consciousness but my attention wanders. I will try and describe what happens on a moment by moment basis this is what my daily existence consists of at the moment......I get a twinge in my body mostly my chest, without delay my mind starts saying oh no your having a heart attack, oh no it's going down your arm quick you need help. Then I proceed to act out with behaviours like going to the hospital or takin my blood pressure. This is why the therapists have diagnosed me with health anxiety. All because my mind perceives bodily sensations as dangerous. As I have said previously I'm 33 and have had all the relevant medical tests done. My mind still is not satisfied and still drags me along like a rag doll.

I've lived like this for the last 6 Years and can't seem to see an end in sight.

When you say focus behind your body is that the back of your body from the inside or the actual back of your body from the outside if that makes sense.

Thank you. From a miserable Sami in the UK.

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Re: Help!!!!!

Post by kiki » Sat Dec 01, 2018 4:42 pm

When you say focus behind your body is that the back of your body from the inside or the actual back of your body from the outside if that makes sense.
Don't overthink this. Simply shift attention away from what's physically in front of you, what the body is feeling and what's happening in the mind and toward the space behind you - that's it. It's not like you are trying to block out everything in front of you, what's happening in the body or in the mind, rather it's just a shift in direction of attention. I suggest doing this while sitting down with eyes closed until you get the hang of it. Then you can do it while walking, sitting with eyes open or while doing some mundane activity like household chores. No need to strain in any way to identify any object or person that's there, just allow attention to rest in that space behind the body, then notice what happens. Don't try to make anything happen, but just notice any changes.
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