After practising presence for a week - report back...

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After practising presence for a week - report back...

Postby Clare » Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:02 pm

Okay, it’s been a week. I was going to put this in general under my practicing presence for a week title, but it has become much more of an account of personal experience, so I'll put it here instead. I am really not sure if anyone is interested, but I'll report back anyway, then shut up :)

This was the next step for me. I'm a person who has done a lot of work on spiritual growth, and the time had come to stop working. It was very humbling before I came to PON to realize this year that for all of my knowledge, and for a heck of a lot I had cleared, I was fundamentally still beset with age old patterns that just wouldn't seem to go away. I could come from a place of higher energy for other people, in my work, and also at times of epiphany, but on a day to day basis, I was still finding myself at a loss as to how...I dunno really...live, I guess. I said at one point to my brother, "All this spiritual work has just meant I can be more serene about what a f*** up my life is". And I think that's true :)

It worsened this year. I think I am going through what is known as a 'dark night of the soul'. I've never had so many hysterical moments and so much unfathomable sense of loss and helplessness as I have this year. But, unlike most 'dark nights', it has been interior. It has manifested in the physical as a physical inability to conceive a child, but the physical world around me has not fallen apart; it is me who has fallen apart.

So, I came to this as a last resort. And no sooner did I start to practice presence I began to wonder how I had ever done any spiritual work at all. I was born not really in my body. I grew up continually separating myself from the pain of my childhood by living in a fantasy land; by not being here. This fantasy land has fuelled my imagination and my stories for years, and one of the things that made me so unable to even consider losing my mind was that I feared I would lose my creativity with it. In this week, I have understood that the strong fertile imagination that I had has been warped now by repeated use of imagining either destructive things or things that are just constructs to protect me from changing. I did get a sense of three distinct voices who operate as thoughts in my head, as I talked about in the general thread, but I also got a sense of my creative arsenal being this vast resource that is at the fundament of everything BEHIND all of that, and I realized that I shared this with all beings, and I also realized that this was the thing that Eckhart was taking about; this was the state of Beingness that all life and creativity springs from - it's God, for want of a better. I understood I would use my imagination to get there by shutting out the world and inventing my own, but that involved the use of my mind. I could also get there by shutting down my mind and bringing this vast beingness of creation INTO my world.

This is called 'manifestation'. I realized that I was not able to manifest because I was approaching creativity- my fundament - in the wrong way. My mind had served its purpose but had been allowed to go riot, and was now making my life sick. My mind that had invented the fantasy worlds had become so strong it lived my life for me in a series of illusions that prevented my reality from getting any better.

So, this is a new departure for me. I am in no way completely present, not at all. My mind is incredibly strong. My ego thinks it protects me; this is why when I get present the first thing it does is send out a bunch a shadows to warn me of danger, of things I should be fearful of, which results in pain bodies that come in as hysterical moments and deep depression and sense of hopelessness. It is almost emulating the thing it thinks it protected me from as a warning to stay with it, stay with my mind - "I keep you safe! You're nothing without me!" LOL! The pain bodies are incredibly strong, and I as yet have been able to get present enough to dissolve one. I had a huge one last week for a few days that coincided with the pre-menstrual pain body Eckhart speaks of. This was compounded by the sense of loss once more of yet another month (time) going by without my conceiving a child. But I know what is happening now, so I feel I am halfway there. I don't always stay present, but when I’m not I notice it. This is a start. And I did get a short time this week, in fact a full half hour I think, where I walked through the park and was totally there even in the cold and the damp chilly breeze. And Yes, I finally felt this great sense of peace - like an invitation. It was wonderful.

So...not a bad week's experiment. It will become part of my life, and then will become my life. How long I need to get from here to there - only the Now knows :) But, I see there is nowhere else to go anymore. I am tired of being this person who is not really who I AM. Finding out the I AM behind this person is a new discovery for me.

Thanks for reading
Clare
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Postby heidi » Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:12 pm

Thanks for sharing, Clare. That old ego is kicking and screaming, not going gracefully.
It is so true, though, when you become aware of it, become the observer (as opposed to the judge) I believe that's called consciousness. :)
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