About my Dad

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About my Dad

Postby Learner » Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:53 pm

I grew up not having the best relationship with my dad and it's evident that this will not change. He lives away from home right now because he works several hundred miles away. However, he comes and visits once every 2 months or so. My relationship with my mom has always been much better. She's always done a lot more for me, cared for me, taught me, and etc... For the most part, my dad and I did nothing together because he really didn't want to do anything. Him and my mom aren't exactly in the healthiest relationship but that's another issue that I'll leave out of this. Just know that I grew up with my mom trying to hide things (such as gifts to me) from my dad in fear of him gettin upset and/or flipping out about things because he apparently gets upset if she bought me anything. And friends, trust me when I say he's good at flipping out.

I really don't care about all that (it's done now), but I'm having troubles when he comes to visit. This is hard to explain but it's like something inside of me just wants him to accept me. Him and I live very differently but my mom and I are very similar. My dad is a strict, typical, artificial "Christian" and he judges people for everything. He constantly watches the news, ridicules, critisizes, calls people names, etc... He condemns people for using curse words (which I use a lot but have to try to hide around him), he'd condemn me for having sex outside of marriage, he'd condemn me if I got a tattoo, he thinks all rappers are the devil, he's just lost.

The issue I am having is strange but interesting... When he comes to visit he usually stays for a week or two and I start to feel guilty or something for how I am because I know I either have to hide the part of my personality that he doesn't like or get into confrontations with him... He also just bursts into my room without knocking, unlike my mom who realizes I'm 22 years old and should have a level of privacy. So I live suppressed around the house for a week or two every few months and it's starting to wear on me... The good part is that by living at home still (I'm 22), I can save up my money, which is pretty practical. But I am growing old of this feeling... What do I need to do? Should I just literally stop thinking and stop trying to hide anything from him and let nature take its course or will that lead to bad conflict? I don't know how to deal with this but I'm a full adult now, I work full-time, and I go to school and I'm tired of coming home when he's here not feeling like I can be myself.

The other 2 side issues to the one I just mentioned is that A. Talking with my mom usually helps me through lots of issues but it's very hard to talk to her about this one when he's around so it's like a double whammy; I am struggling and I can't even talk to my mom about it. and B. The way our house is set up, people can hear each other way easy and there's not too much privacy so it makes things like this harder. Advice appreciated. Thanks.
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Re: About my Dad

Postby Rick » Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:13 pm

Hi Leaner,

Never say never. You do not know if your Dad will change or not. Right now he sounds deeply lost in his fundamentalism. I can relate to this in some ways. Belief based on truth (small "t") learned from a book or bible is a very sticky wicket for folks to sort through because it so hypnotic...it all sounds so right. Your Dad may wake up at any time, or he may never. We can not know for sure. What we can do is learn to accept him as he is and forgive him for the error he knows not about. Your dread toward seeing him indicates emotional resistance, resentment. Anger, upset, irritation or any other negative emotion like these keep you from clarity and wisdom to know how to deal with him calmly and wisely. What you need to learn is how to remain unmoved within even as he might yell and scream without. Just learn to look at him as if you are watching a boring movie, calmly detached, watching the words come out of his mouth and watching his hands flying in the air. Come to this place of inner peace within you while all hell breaks loose around you and you will come to be in touch with your Inner Knowing and Wisdom. From this place what you say or do will be right and you will be without guilt or confusion. Stay home or go get your own place, speak up or not speak up to him, it will all be timely and appropriate. Just learn this one thing...learn to overlook his unconscious error on the spot and you will be just fine.
Daily life IS spiritual exercise.
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Re: About my Dad

Postby Learner » Thu Jun 16, 2011 10:18 pm

Thanks Rick. This has seriously been tormenting me so much, my mom thinks I should see a counselor or something. It's so weird... When he is around I have the hardest time getting myself out of this strange state of intense suffering... It's hard to explain but my mind has basically taken me over and everything feels bad around the house at least. My dad hasn't even really done anything bad since he's been here, but the fact that he's around all the time and I have much less privacy and freedom at home is what freaks me out I guess. I just feel like every day life is difficult enough and it's even way harder when I can't even find peace at home. My mind/pain-body is also telling me that there is something wrong with me for even having this issue. It's saying "What's wrong with you, man? You have a great girlfriend who loves you, your dad isn't that bad, but you apparently can't control yourself." I am not ALWAYS miserable... When I go to work, I am fine, but when I come home, I don't feel at rest. This puts an enormous amount of stress on me because I work 5-6 days a week and I am currently interviewing for 2 other jobs... I need my rest days to be truly rest days. I feel like time flies by when I am suffering myself like this. I had just gotten over it and my dad was supposed to be returning to his work this weekend, but he had eye surgery and has to stay another week and as soon as I heard this news, I freaked out and lost control again.

What's funny is this sounds psychotic and it really is... However, I assure you that I am actually not a psycho, I do a great job at work, I am a "normal" person, and actually have a lot of friends, not that those things really mean anything. My point is, Tolle is so right about this behavior being insane. What kills me is that when my dad comes to visit is the ONLY time I ever do this... The rest of the time, I am living pretty consciously and I do not identify myself with things like my possessions, job, money, girlfriend, etc... But for some reason, when my dad comes, I can't hold it together and this is really starting to wear on me. I'm even noticing how my face breaks out with acne a bit because I am stressing myself like this for no good reason.
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Re: About my Dad

Postby Rick » Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:57 am

Hi Learner,

If I could wave a magic wand and get you to realize one thing it would be to realize that your Dad, no matter what it seems, can not help himself in his lack of love toward you. In the same way that you have no control over the feelings and thoughts that arise in you when he is around, he has no control over his own thoughts and feelings either. He is a slave to them just as you are to yours. If you could really and truly see this point, and accept the truth of it, you would be free of your own pain because it would be the same as forgiving him. Even if he does not have love for you, you can learn to have love for him. That is, you can learn to be understanding and patient with him, perhaps showing him what real love is for the first time in his life. But even before that you have to learn to put space between you and your own thoughts/feelings so that they do not wash over you and take control. Even a short time of mind watching will begin to give you a bit of space and room to settle down within so you can start to see more clearly what is really going on inside you, and inside your dad. Are you meditating at all?
Daily life IS spiritual exercise.
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Re: About my Dad

Postby far_eastofwest » Sat Jun 18, 2011 3:39 pm

I guess, while you are living in his house you need to show him manners and respect that he sets for you whether it is what you think is right or wrong.
Your dad may well be very loving to you but one of those men that "love but don't show it". Your mums hiding gifts may not have been because your father didn't want you to have stuff but he may have wanted you to not be 'spoilt' and be able to take on the tough outside world.... maybe ask him? Some men from my generation would say "he's living under my roof, what more proof does he need that he is loved". That is why personal growth is a good thing. :)

Maybe start a conversation with him (use open ended questions.... ie, What has been going on at work? rather than How was work?

Perhaps when he points out others faults he is fishing for a bit of praise? Maybe make a positive comment about him. Ask him what he thinks about .... ebooks... electric cars.... whatever...
As a grown man you can give it a go and see what happens.

You will find that there are many people who wouldn't want you in their homes if you use swear words.

Personally i feel that as kids mature into adults there is a bit of natural distancing happening, its so you Want to leave the nest.... often once leaving and setting up as an adult with your own home where you too will set your boundaries a new relationship develops with parents.
There is nothing harder to find than a black cat in a dark room
Especially when there is no cat....
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Re: About my Dad

Postby Zebra » Tue Jun 21, 2011 1:12 pm

I didn't read what other suggestions you got and if somebody mentioned this already but.... maybe you should just move out. Im in the same position (sort of). Im 24 and live at home, but luckly my parents dotn live in the same hime (nor the same country. I live in my parents apartment in Sweden, while my parents are still in the US. Im still planing on moving out because i feel that living at home is holding me back from the experiences that will make me grow into the person i want to be.

Your saving money? Thats a pretty good reason, but maybe the price your paying in your own personal development is to high.

Sure, you could solve this by "being in the now, getting more aligned with the universe etc etc". Or you could just practically solve it by moving out. Taking action usually brings a added bonus of personal development & getting more in touch with the real you.

Good luck to both of us.
Meditation? or advanced waiting......?
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Re: About my Dad

Postby Donna » Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:57 pm

This is hard to explain but it's like something inside of me just wants him to accept me.


This statement struck a chord in me. I struggled with this for many years wanting my parents to accept me. It wasn't until this past winter where I spent six months at home with them, that something changed.

One day, during what seemed to be an anxiety attack coming on (because of something my dad said to me, or so I thought!), I sat with myself and asked "what is it that I truly fear regarding my dad's opinion and/or not being accepted?" The words "end of the world" came to mind. But then I thought, well that's silly! I'm still here, alive and kicking. But as a kid growing up, any wrong doing or differing opinion seemed like I was gonna get "the end of the world" coming to me if I didn't behave exactly as my parents wanted me to.

So this translates to...I was identifying who I am with what my parents thought of me. If you can sit with yourself and understand that you are much larger than your physical self...that you are ultimately safe, that you and everyone else are actors playing out an experience on this stage called Life... you can see that your dad is also playing out an experience. You may see that your dad, during his lifetime experience, has also suffered. You may see that he is acting out his suffering through his pain body (and/or possibly a collective one through human history). Your dad is just ignorant of the pain he is causing you. No amount of talking is going to make him realize this. I can't emphasize that enough. YOUR challenge is to take responsibility for how you react and possibly change that.

Believe it or not, doing NOTHING can accomplish a lot. You may not see change in yourself over night. Just be aware of when you are having an anxious moment around your dad (or even thoughts about your dad). Nor may you see a change in your dad over night, but it could just possibly happen.

When you are experiencing one of your moments with your dad, imagine a loving shield around yourself and around your dad. I don't know why, but somehow this brings on some kind of forgiveness and a loving connection. When you are not outwardly, physically, verbally reacting to dad's behaviour, you don't need to be stone-faced or arrogant in that "I'm not going to let you affect me". You just become accepting of the situation, while noticing your reaction and then this eventually helps you change your reaction. This then becomes the "action" to the acceptance of what is happening.

Honestly, by the time I left my parents house, I felt so differently towards my parents and very oddly they transformed as well. I could feel that change in their loving hugs towards me when I left. My communication with them feels much different. I can allow them to be the beings they are playing out, while I don't need to react, feel bitter, or live my life thinking I need to please them.

If this doesn't make sense or you'd like more info about this experience, please feel free to email me, as I know the struggle and pain you are going through.

I'd also suggest that, sure...if you are being physically abused and just can't take it any longer in the household, live somewhere else. But we don't choose our family like we do our bosses and coworkers. We have our family for life and there's gonna be a time when you are going to want to deal with this instead of the same old anxious feelings. Plus, what you learn about this experience, you can take out into the world when dealing with your friends, lovers, coworkers, etc. You have so much ahead of you, this work now is worth it!

Peace,
Donna
~*~*~*~* I love to live and live to love. *~*~*~*~
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Re: About my Dad

Postby kevin89 » Fri Mar 23, 2012 9:01 am

I don’t think that having tattoos on body is a big issue, until you have a decent design. Some tattoo designs are really good and looks awesome.
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