I can´t get over her

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GermanEnlightenment
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:57 pm

You two are right. Thanks for waking me up! :)
I think in my mind I still made the distinction between thoughts that I can work with and let go of (or them letting go of me) and thoughts that were/are such a huge part of my identity that I felt were impossible to question or disidentify from. But of course, in the end no matter how deeply-ingrained these thought-patterns appear to be I can still question them. In the last days I did a lot of "The Work" and it was a really freeing experience. I also noticed that I tried to escape a lot of my thoughts by occupying my free-time with other stuff so that I don´t have to sit down and question my thoughts. Now it feels like I made another break-through and I can feel myself opening up more and more on the inside. There´s more space and it seems like everyday I get closet to my authentic self, the less time I spent in past and future and me letting go of thought patterns that argue with or oppose reality.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

Phil2
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Sun Sep 07, 2014 4:52 pm

GermanEnlightenment wrote: I also noticed that I tried to escape a lot of my thoughts by occupying my free-time with other stuff so that I don´t have to sit down and question my thoughts.
Excellent observation !

There is always a trend to escape realities, and this escape can take the form of addictions, entertainment, excitement, obsessions, even hard work or sexual addiction etc. ... all those are 'distractions' ...

This is also why people are so afraid to remain alone and idle ... they fear their own thoughts which can operate as a 'torture instrument' and activate their 'pain body' ...

As Blaise Pascal said:

“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

GermanEnlightenment
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Thu Sep 11, 2014 9:00 pm

The last couple of days I experienced a lot of changes in my life. It seems like every day is a new adventure and every night when I go to sleep I´m a different person. It´s like I´m rediscovering my 5-year-old self again. :mrgreen: That boy was fearless, he tried out a lot of different things and if they didn´t work out he would try again or he would simply leave them, turning his attention to something else with unbridled enthusiasm and excitment for what he might discover or find out.

Now whenever my mind goes into worry or catastrophe-mode I´m simply - for the lack of a better expression - bored by it. It´s like I´m saying to it: "Yeah yeah whatever, all this doomsday-speeches never helped my in the last 23 years to be happy or at peace with myself, so why should I listen now or do what you say?"
I now know that every action that comes from a feeling of fear or lack is ego-motivated while actions that stem from life always feel effortless, joyful and congruent with who I am.

I also realized that the mind has neither the intelligence nor the forsight to figure out how an unknown situation will develop. It tries to figure things out and plan your actions but the reason why that is fruitless and inauthentic is because the mind can only rely on PAST data and therefore what you are doing always comes across as mechanical and not "fresh". Case in point: Today I approached another girl at the gym and my mind was again throwing up all these fears about it. I simply ignored them and talked to the girl anyway. Kind of a funny story: After talking for twenty minutes, I felt like we had good chemistry and I wanted to ask for her number and leave but then it turned out that she was only 16 years old (I´m 23 years old) and therefore I didn´t ask for her number. She looked like 19 or 20 to me but oh well, what can you do? :)
Anyway, before approaching her my mind was fearful about the conversation going nowhere, about me behaving weird or god knows what. But then the moment I opened my mouth my mind was completely blank and I mean that in a good way. We talked about things I didn´t even consider talking about and well, you can´t pre-plan certain gestures or facial expressions anyway so what´s the point of trying to plan a social interaction beforehand?
It´s so funny, It´s like I´m only realizing now that this whole dating process can actually be a lot of fun and is not supposed to be nerve-wrecking or anxiety-producing. Wow, what a breakthrough. :lol: Of course if you listen to your mind and every rejection feels like the death of your ego you will suffer horribly. But I deeply realized that what I really am can´t be destroyed or damaged by anything and if my ego suffers because of my actions, oh well, it can´t be satisfied for a long time anyway and the more my mind-momentum gets reduced the better.

But I honestly can´t say how much Byron Katie´s work helped me. In the last couple of weeks I questioned about 40 beliefs about me and my love life and the effects of these inquiries were really incredible and life-changing. It´s like a "passive" therapy in a way, it works it´s way through my inner being quietly and suddenly I find myself in a certain situation, thinking f.e. :"Hem, wait a minute, that used to made me feel uncomfortable, scared, anxious etc. in the past, why do I feel so peaceful and content about it now?". It´s unbelievable that you can really question every thought that appears in your awareness and get free from it.

Interestingly enough, I haven´t seen this girl that I fell in love with (which now seems like a hundred years ago) for 6-7 weeks now. Next week our training continues and we will see each other again in class but there was absolutely no real-life contact during the summer vacation (we texted two times regarding meeting each other but funnily enough we couldn´t make it on those days for whatever reason). That alone allowed me to get rid of certain thoughts like "I can´t live without her" because obviously I´m still alive even after not seeing her for ages. :) I think this "brutal" seperation was totally necessary for me because in the meantime I actually allowed myself to see all the new possibilities as far as my love-life is concerned and I could question all those beliefs that I was having about her. Because honestly, until recently, my biggest fear was that she would get into a commited relationship with a great boyfriend and I would still be stuck in my fantasy-world where she was the "one and only" for me. After doing the Work on the thought "She shouldn´t have a boyfriend" and the turnarround "She should have a boyfriend" I actually found the turnarround a lot more "truer" than my intitial thought. As soon as I realized that I actually would be okay with her having a new boyfriend I cried tears of gratitude and love, it was so freeing. In the end it was just a thought that caused me all this suffering and after questioning it I felt so much space opening up in me. The next day I was walking through town, running some errands and I just saw so many beautiful girls appearing left and right. Girls that I didn´t allow myself to see because I was only fixated on this one girl. When I think back now to those times when I was so heartbroken and depressed about her not reciprocrating my love, it almost feels like I was sick during this period. I can´t believe how I created this epic drama in my mind in which I made myself the tragic hero that suffered the pain of unrequited love. Quite ridiculous but then I didn´t know any better at the time, so I´m not too hard on myself. :)


Life is strange and beautiful.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

GermanEnlightenment
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:34 pm

Hey guys, I just thought I could update you a little bit on my journey. A lot of stuff happened in my life that I´d like to share.

PARAGLIDING
Yes, I went paragliding with a good friend of mine primarily for the reason of why not? :) The day before it happened my mind had all these delusions of how mind-blowing it would be to jump out of an airplane, not knowing if I am going to survive or not. Well, in the end it turned out to be a pretty ordinary experience. But I can see it being an addicitve activity since it´s pretty hard to be occupied with thinking when you are free falling and tumbling through the air. :) Now after three weeks time I have almost no recollection of the actual event but I have it on video for people to enjoy and laugh at. :lol:
I don´t know if this acivity changed anything in me, maybe I got more courageous and bold in my daily-life? I´m not sure. I would recommend doing it even though I didn´t get a huge adrenaline-rush out of it but that´s completely subjective I guess. It always takes me a while to integrate such "extraordinary" events in my life, so maybe one day I´ll wake up being totally shocked that I actually did that. But who knows.

WOMEN & RELATING TO PEOPLE
Well, obviously this girl that I fell in love with can still teach me a lesson or two since we ended up sitting beside each other again this new semester. As fate wanted it, there were no other seats left. A month ago - when my training started again - I was actually frightened that the whole year would be the same as the last one with me not getting over her, pointlessly lusting after her and daydreaming about a relationship with her. It all came back on a day when I showed extremely needy and submissive behaviour towards her which resulted in me being just so bored and annoyed with myself for doing that again that I thought to myself "If tommorow will be the same as today, I´m just going to kill myself". Looking back on it now it seems like a very extreme reaction but I just had no capacity for suffering anymore and I just wanted to finally have some peace. On that day I came home and I felt like all those thoughts and emotions that I ever had about her were coming back to torture me and rip me apart but I just let them all play out and afterwards I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke up again I felt like a storm had passed and I said to myself: "Never again." And that was the end of that.
It also became clear to me that my desperate wish to have a girlfriend was not motivated by joy and sharing love with another human being but to prove something. Yes, I wanted to prove to this girl that although she rejected me I was still able to get a girlfriend which would be superior to her (whatever that means). It was a purely egoic motivation and it´s no wonder that the universe didn´t align with me to help me fulfill that pathetic desire. It took me a lot of honesty to really figure that one out. It eventually came to me when I pictured myself with my new girlfriend and all I could see was me showing her off to other people so that I get their approval and recognition. It´s a good thing that I wasn´t able to get a new girlfriend as I would´ve started a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
I also brought a lot of clarity to my approval-seeking tendencies and I don´t know why or how but these patterns now simply resolved over time. It´s only now that I realize that how exhausting and pointless it is to hope for other people´s approval constantly, modelling yourself after the wishes of other instead of just being yourself. Being yourself actually seems like the hardest thing to do but what´s great about it is that the people that will be left on your side will be the ones that appreciate your authentic self instead of your submissive, approval-seeking self.
I actually have to laugh now when I think about all those times when I did things only so that people would like me more. I mean it´s sooo exhausting and - in the end - counterproductive that it just baffles me how I could ever be so confused to think that this is the right way to live.
I feel very at easy when I talk to women now primarily because I know that they can´t fulfill me. Enjoying life together is fun, for sure, but if I´m dependent on another person to act a certain way for me to feel good I´m once again participating in the insanity-dance of the ego. Right now I´m still single but I feel like I´m getting there. It´s like each week I learn something new about how my ego operates and I think to myself: "Wow, good thing I learned to let go of this pattern before entering a relationship." I guess eventually this learning-process will end and I will be able to have a relationship that´s free of all my past-baggage and ego-expectations. I´m not to hard on myself since a year I was a social recluse and "successfully" interacting with people in general was not even an option. I learned a lot in the last year.

NO MASTURBATION
I think I already wrote about this but I really urge everyone to check these websites out: yourbrainonporn.com and nofap.org.
I once tried to stop masturbating during the sommer months but I eventually relapsed. But now I´m willing to go all the way up to 90 days. I`m on day 14 now and I feel really good. If you believe in this method or not my subjective experience of it is that it really brings a lot of those benefits that these websites describe.
I think porn-addiciton and unhealthy masturbation-habits are generally dangerous because these are subjects that no one talks about. And I have to be honest, when I first started masturbating to porn when I was 12 years old (now 23) I though nothing of it but as the years went by I felt more and more depressed and distant from myself after masturbating to porn. I thought the sadness afterwards simply occured because I was on such a high from masturbating that when I came back to my "natural"-state I was only experiencing the emotional jetlag. But now I see how porn really kills every motivation to go out and meet women because if can watch the most crazy sexual escapades, not get rejected by a real woman and finish off anyway, why bother taking the initiative to meet real girls? I could go into more detail but I think it´s clear what the problem here is.

JOB DISSATISFACTION
I´m no longer convinced that the training that I´m doing right now is the right thing for me. Last year I studied my ass off to get the best grades in class but was it actually fulfilling? No. I think of all these stressful hours that I put into learning things that are of no interest to me just to feel five seconds of relief and happiness for getting a good grade. Is this really how I want to live my life? There must be a job out there that is more aligned with myself. Maybe it´s also time to leave my small town, there´s nothing here for me and I feel like I can sense this inner pull to go someplace else.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

GermanEnlightenment
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Tue Oct 28, 2014 2:08 pm

I´m having a suicidal episode right now. I feel like I can´t go on with this life. It seems like I made a lot of progress in the last couple of moths but ultimately I end up here, sitting at home alone and having no motivation to do anything. I´m not excited about anything in my life right now: my training, guitar-lessons, going to the gym, spending time with friends. I´m frustrated that I know all these things about how the ego works and that it is pointless to wallow in misery and self-pity but I can´t seem to get out of it. I don´t look forward to anything in the future, what is there to accomplish? Nothing in my life up until now gave me any satisfcation. There´s no gratefullness for everything that I already have. I´m afraid of failure as much as success and nothing that I experience seems to stick with me. Why shouldn´t I just kill this physical body and maybe get reborn in some other human form that doesn´t have such a stubborn and life-denying ego as I have now? I want out of this life and just have some peace. I always prouded myself in knowing so much about things that most people don´t care about but in the end up what have I gained through that? Nothing. I´m aware of everything that happens arround me but I´m not free of the constant mind-chatter that is over-analysing every little thing. Right now, I would rather be unconscious like most of the populace and live a pointless life, chasing happiness in certain objects or people. At least they have some drive and ambition in their life.
I know every person is an unique expression of life but why can´t this particular expression just enjoy life without being bogged down every single day by feelings of meaningless and restlessness. I just feel like I need some form of guidance to know what I should do with my life I can´t go on like that. Oh sure, the depression will pass and then I will be okay with myself for a couple of days before I will wake up some day, feeling the overwhelming burden of this life yet again. I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

Andreas
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Andreas » Tue Oct 28, 2014 3:40 pm

Are you really depressed? Like in the sense of clinically suffering from depression? If so, are you in treatment right now? In case you suspect something like this, you definitely should go see a therapist.

Or is it just because you still don't have a girlfriend?

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Webwanderer
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Webwanderer » Tue Oct 28, 2014 6:44 pm

GermanEnlightenment wrote:I´m frustrated that I know all these things about how the ego works and that it is pointless to wallow in misery and self-pity but I can´t seem to get out of it.
Could it be there is yet more to understand? It's one thing to read some books on consciousness and 'how the ego works', but it's another in the experience of actually effecting desired change. You have opened the door on understanding ego, and life has brought you the very circumstances to challenge that knowledge. How else will you really get it without getting your feet wet in the river of actual experience? You think you know something? Now's your chance to explore that knowing. While it may be painful at the moment, that pain is the fire of forging the steel perspective that comes with ever growing experience. No need to judge yourself harshly over it. This is just how it's done in real life.
I don´t look forward to anything in the future, what is there to accomplish? Nothing in my life up until now gave me any satisfcation. There´s no gratefullness for everything that I already have.
Forget gratefulness for a moment. Gratitude is a response to something received. It can be useful, but it can also create a kind of unconscious resentment for something owed to a giver. Rather, consider appreciation. Appreciation is the giving of love - freely. It requires no receiving. It is not a response at all. It is a gift to that that is appreciated. It is the heart and soul of an enjoyable life. Love flows not from you but through you.

In being this conduit by simple recognition of the very essence of life unfolding in its infinite forms, you are the ever present benefactor of the feeling of the love that flows through you. There is no expectation of return yet the joy of life blossoms in those that learn the value of appreciation and exercise it in their daily life. Experiment. Feel the benefit of appreciation. The more you do the easier it becomes and patterns of perception will become set allowing joy to flow freely through your experience.
Why shouldn´t I just kill this physical body and maybe get reborn in some other human form that doesn´t have such a stubborn and life-denying ego as I have now? I want out of this life and just have some peace. I always prouded myself in knowing so much about things that most people don´t care about but in the end up what have I gained through that? Nothing.
Why? Have you considered that you chose this life for the very challenges that you find so troubling at the moment? If you understand that reincarnation is a possibility, then you must also recognize the that the superior intelligence that is your true nature knew what it was getting into in creating the extension that is you, and did so with confidence that it/you were and are up to the challenge. You are doing a courageous thing in taking on a life experience with such challenges. Give yourself some credit.

Understand, you are only 23 years old. That is very young yet. I'm decades older and I can tell you I faced challenges every bit as difficult and went through stages of deep depression. I even thought the same 'get out of here' thoughts and was every bit as ready to pack it in. But I didn't and I can tell you the difficulties you overcome pay great dividends in the long run. Unfortunately I had little help and guidance back in the 60's, 70's and 80's. You have resources. I wish I had learned at an earlier age the simple truths of presence awareness where I clearly recognized that I am not what I 'think' I am, and the wonderfully enriching value of appreciation for the countless expressions of beauty in life.

You and I and everyone you meet are here because as Divine beings we embraced the challenges that a human life experience offers. Consider your/our essence is powerful and wise and adventurous. We came with confidence, not that life would be easy, but that we are fundamentally strong and that our strength would eventually come through to face the challenges we knew we would meet.

It's okay to feel depressed and want to give up. It's just one of the intense challenges of human life. See it for what it is, from an understanding of what you are. No matter what the experience you have, you are ultimately bigger and stronger. Not so much in your intellect and human identification, but in your essence that is ever available for you draw upon in the quiet of presence awareness, and aided by the empowering sense of appreciation for the very opportunity to strengthen your metal.

Be gentile with yourself. There is nothing wrong save what you label as such, and you can adjust your perception and perspective and create new labels as you wish. The wise create labels and perspectives that serve them. You too are wise in your essence. Feel it out and create your own labels that work to your advantage.

WW

Phil2
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Phil2 » Wed Oct 29, 2014 3:17 pm

GermanEnlightenment wrote:Why shouldn´t I just kill this physical body and maybe get reborn in some other human form that doesn´t have such a stubborn and life-denying ego as I have now? I want out of this life and just have some peace.
I give you a good reason not to kill your body: because it is a difficult task and something very dirty to do, especially for those who love you ...

It is much easier to kill your ego, which means to drop all your useless thoughts and chattering on yourself and your unhappiness, all those poisonous thoughts of being worthless, that nobody will ever love you etc ... all the self pity ... if you are ready to die physically, then die symbolically, live your life as if you were dead and stop worrying about all those issues like finding a partner, a job etc ...

In the meantime I recommend you this video from Mooji:

"Unhappy" is Just a Thought ~ Satsang with Mooji

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04XAG_KsHvg

"Most of what we think is rubbish ... 99 % is rubbish ... 1 % is ... also rubbish"
"What irritates us about others is an opportunity to learn on ourselves"
(Carl Jung)

GermanEnlightenment
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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by GermanEnlightenment » Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:43 pm

Thanks guys for your support! I have to let what you wrote sink in and see what happens! :) I already felt a lot better after writing out what was bothering me. To be honest I can hardly identify (!) anymore with what I wrote that day. But now I remember that the day before my ego threw this "I don´t want to life anymore"-fit I was having a really deep insight where I figured out that if I will never believe another negative thought again I´ll never have to suffer again. I guess that´s why my ego came back in full force, trying to drag me down again.

What I´ve learned yesterday is that I need to connect a lot more with other people. I think my biggest vice is arrogance, believing that I must absolutely stand alone in this world and needing other people is a weakness. And to be honest after posting my suicidal post my biggest fear was bothering anyone here with my personal problems and feeling really embarassed for receiving advice. In general I think I need to be a lot more communicative when it comes to my feelings - good or bad - so that I don´t end up internalising everything that I experience. No wonder my body is so tense and filled with bottled-up emotions. Recently I´m experiencing a lot more feelings of anger and rage then I ever did in my entire life. I believe that is because I supressed them for so long and I was always behaving meek when it came to other people. Now I´m trying to free this repressed energy by doing a lot more sport and listening to hardcore-music. Being angry definitely feels more alive then being depressed, anxious and bored which I felt for the majority of my teenage-years.
"Happiness / Something in my own place / I'm standing naked / Smiling, I feel no disgrace / With who I am/ I´m a lucky man...with fire in my hands"
(The Verve - Lucky Man)

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Re: I can´t get over her

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Oct 29, 2014 6:33 pm

GermanEnlightenment wrote:I guess that´s why my ego came back in full force, trying to drag me down again.
No need to make ego an enemy. Ego is simply (not simple) a context for consciousness to have life experience. It is not however, set in stone. It lives and grows off of what it is fed in terms of thought energy and focus of attention. It is a perspective of life that brings experience based on its makeup (belief structures). Step back from it as consciousness observing it as just an internal thought construct and belief structure and it becomes more available to add new context that works more in your chosen best interest.

WW

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