Being ignored by my husband

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Being ignored by my husband

Postby Mariposa » Sat May 09, 2015 8:33 am

:cry:

Today has been quite the enfuriating day for me, with many small things bothering me to the point of rage, and as much as I tried to stay present to the anger, the anger prevailed.

After some things that happened in the morning, the painbody went back to sleep, I was fine for about 3 hours. Then I met my husband downtown only to have the rage come back, when he started cutting me off while I told him about my day. And time after time the same thing happened, I was just beginning to tell him a story and he interrupted me, triggering an intense feeling of outrage, with thoughts along the lines of "I am not important enough to you! What I have to say matters so little to you that you just talk over me, completely change the topic and never even notice that I still haven't finished my story. You don't care about me! I need you to give me your full attention right now!" I felt such despair that he wouldn't just listen to me. I tried to calm myself down, but ten minutes later I would start another story about my day, and he would cut me off again, disregarding the fact that I was trying to say something, so rude!! And of course, the angrier I became, the less he wanted to listen to me or be around me. Could it be the energy of downtown that affected me so much? Well, I was already boiling with fury while dealing with my dogs pulling on the leash earlier, so there's something definitely going on with me today. Very hard to let go, so this just took over me. It's very hard dealing with my own anger and trying to communicate with my husband at the same time, without triggering his own painbody. Of course my first reaction is to blame him for the way I feel, but is it just my ego? Do I just let my husband do whatever and deal with my reaction first and foremost? What do I say to him, is there even a point in talking back to his ego? Two egos yapping at one another, nothing productive is coming out of that.

Thank you for giving me a space to vent and release some of this. I guess whatever stories I wanted to share with my husband don't really matter.
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby EnterZenFromThere » Sat May 09, 2015 11:29 am

Mariposa wrote:Thank you for giving me a space to vent and release some of this.


This place is great for venting. I use it mostly for that - in one form or another.

It sounds like that's all you really needed to do. Like you had a big load of crap ready to be released and it was trying to find it's way out. Probably why you were feeling so frustrated all day - Life was trying to give you an excuse to allow yourself to be angry - to allow yourself to vent. It's amazing what we'll do to stop ourselves from venting - and the lengths we have to go to to allow the venting to happen - and the guilt and shame we feel afterwards, that cause more crap to be locked away ready to be vented another day.

If I were you I wouldn't give much attention to the circumstances that led to you venting. It doesn't really matter what happened with the dogs or your husband - why it may or may not have happened. More important is that you needed that release. Learning how to allow yourself space to release like that in the future will allow it to happen more easily and these frustrating events won't be needed. Learning the aware relaxation that creates that space is far more important than the trivial details of the events themselves.

Most importantly, don't beat yourself up about needing to vent or the events that were necessary for you to vent. I talk to a lot of people who are considered up there with Tolle as spiritual masters, and every single one of them has bad days. The difference between them and 'normal' people is how they relate to those more difficult aspects of themselves. Generally speaking, they are much more forgiving and appreciative of the appropriateness of these frustrating experiences.

Sometimes life is tough - sometimes tough is good.
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby Fore » Sat May 09, 2015 1:01 pm

Mariposa wrote:
Today has been quite the enfuriating day for me, with many small things bothering me to the point of rage, and as much as I tried to stay present to the anger, the anger prevailed.....


Been there done that.

Firstly, you need to stop blaming others for your anger, you need to accept that you and you alone are the sole cause of this anger. Not even .00001% of this anger is from another it is all internal it is all you(the ego). The trouble is that you are strongly attached to this sense of selves and are identifying with this, and then expecting this to be different.

You've got some demons bottled up inside, and they are coming up to the surface in these circumstances. This presents an opportunity for spiritual practice to simply observe these demons as they are and see that ultimately they are not you, they pop up from time to time and then they go away(you are not always in a state of rage). But likely they are to powerful and you become overpowered by these, in this environment, there is to much blinding pain. Also when beings arise from higher planes of existence(you find yourself in an environment that is pleasing) and you feel excited and good inside this is another opportunity for spiritual practice, to see that these heavenly beings are also not you they stay for some time but ultimately go away(you are not always in a pleasant mood). But you probably won't be able to practice in this environment either, too pleasant and you won't feel the need to.

This is where a daily spiritual practice comes into effect, you dedicate a portion of time in the morning and a portion of time in the evening to sit with whatever presents itself. If rage presents itself you observe rage in a controlled environment, if bliss presents itself you observe bliss, if boredom presents itself you observe boredom, seeing that ultimately these states are unsatisfactory(miserable) as they are impermanent they arise and pass away, they are not you.

This will help you to slowly come out of the old habit of reacting blindly towards these visitors, this has been helpful and life changing for me, as I also use to suffer as you do.
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby Pako Chubi » Sun Jun 07, 2015 9:22 am

beat him cry and wake up from this dream :shock:
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby vidtho » Mon Jun 08, 2015 11:14 pm

Been there totally. I would like to narrate my experience:
I faced similar situation......This is when I realized that I don't love myself from inside and I was looking for that outside in form of love and validation. My needy nature started repelling everyone around me.

Though it was hard...I had to make myself understand that “I will regain wholeness only from inside....No one has the capacity to fulfill my needs except me”. This realization shattered the very purpose/needs of my marriage.

But releasing myself of the expectations from outside world made me focus on my presence more intensely. I feel much lighter now and my relations with my husband has improved drastically (as there is no more burden of neediness on each other). My Neediness has been replaced with wholesome flow of unconditional love.

When I am overcome with emotions; I start journaling. I vent my emotions by writing. I then disassociate stories cooked up by my mind and just sit with the emotion to release the pain body. Just feeling the emotion…….giving total acceptance to it…..reduces its intensity and eventually removes them
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jun 20, 2015 9:30 pm

The experiences of my life in this field have taught me a great deal. Isabel Allende in ‘Portrait in Sepia’ writes: ‘Love is a free contract that begins with a spark and can end in the same way. A thousand dangers threaten love, but if the couple defends it, it can be saved. It can grow like a tree and give shade and fruit, but that happens only when both partners participate.’

Serious problems frequently arise when only one of them awakes from their spiritual slumber. Those who consciously or unconsciously refuse to tackle them head-on, thinking that it’s safe to sweep them under the carpet, are in for a surprise! All our struggles will not go away on their own and have a habit of manifesting themselves time and again in an ever more uncomfortable manner. It could happen, for example, that we suddenly and surprisingly fall in love with someone because that person gives us the attention and tenderness we may have been craving for in our existing partnership, without getting any of it, for some years. Such encounters are likely to make us aware that although we are older now, we have also grown wiser. In many ways, we are now more attractive and lovable than we ever were in our younger days.

It may dawn on us slowly how much we have grown since our partnership first began, and that our partner has refused to keep pace with our development. After all we have learnt, over the years, instead of allowing our partnership to deteriorate into one of boredom and indifference, why aren’t we giving more to each other, rather than less? Again, we need to look into our life and ask ourselves a few uncomfortable questions, like what kind of a partner do we need now? Would we prefer to be together with someone who shares our interests, and who responds to us the way we would like to be treated? And if there isn’t anyone we would like to share our life with – oh, perish the thought! – wouldn’t we be better off on our own and being free again?

When the dust has finally settled, our encounter may have amounted to nothing but a brief interlude. But, even if it is all over in a flurry, we are sure to get more in touch with ourselves. It will help us to find out a lot about ourselves and our requirements, likes and dislikes in a mature relationship that does justice to the way we are now. If we have allowed ourselves to become trapped in a long standing relationship, then that in itself could be the only reason why this needed to come into our life. As we have grown, through the years, our old relationship has not grown with us. It may have ceased to satisfy us not only emotionally, but especially spiritually.

Another person cannot break our relationship up for us. No-one can do that, except we ourselves. But, they can be the catalyst who helps us to become aware of how starved and lonely we have become. The whole affair might last just long enough to help us realise that we do not want to live our life without mutual appreciation and love – the most basic human requirement – any longer. We may then decide to make one final attempt at trying to get our partner to make a joint effort. If that fails, too, it may dawn on us how much more comfortable, enjoyable, less complicated and stressful life on our own could be.

We may finally reach the end of our tether, and realise that one-sided efforts at trying to keep a partnership together, can and will not work. In fact, they seem to work almost in the opposite direction, pushing the partners further and further apart. It must be something inherent in our human nature that, the harder we try, the more the other one plays at hard to get – as if life was a game of some kind. Now, we know from first hand experience that no partnership will ever work, unless there is a mutual coming together of hearts and souls. Alleluia, we have learnt!

Rather than putting up with the constant heart-ache and frustration our fruitless efforts are causing us, reluctantly, we may decide to move on and get on with the rest of this lifetime, on our own. Could it be that our Creator wisely made us that way, so that we can let go of relationships that have outlived their usefulness in our life? True, in our stubborn refusal to accept this, we create suffering for ourselves, which leads to soul growth. But, might we not develop better in other directions, by expanding our life and living it the way we really would like to? No harm in trying, is there?

There is yet another consideration. What if we refuse to bring about the necessary separation, are we not in danger of seriously blocking our own and our partner’s spiritual unfoldment? Could it be necessary for us to leave them, so that – through the pain this causes, their own spiritual awakening comes about? Who are we to stand in their way, as well as ours? And who knows what a separation may lead to, in the end – maybe a reunion, if we still want it. In time, our partnership may transform itself into a spiritual and truly loving one, who knows? What if we agreed, in the world of spirit, to do some specific work together? If we do not eventually pluck up enough courage, and it may never come into existence. Now, wouldn’t that be a pity?

In the course of many lifetimes, we learn that it is unwise to make another person totally the focus of our life. Death, our own and that of others, sees to it that, eventually, we learn the most valuable lesson of all, namely that lasting security cannot be found those around us on the Earth plane; it can only come from within. No matter how hard anyone tries to cling on to another, all earthly relationships are not meant to go in on the same form forever. They need to change and grow, the same as we do. If we refuse to, we are in danger of stagnating, and circumstances come into our life that forces us to let go. Some may see such things as force majeure, but they are not really. Through growing and learning, we ourselves set these things in motion, because we need different experiences and relationships that can help us evolve some more.

With love – Aquarius

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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby michael_a2000 » Thu Feb 04, 2016 9:25 pm

Thanks so much Aquarius for articulating exactly how I feel about my marriage!

Certainly, I have grown, but my wife refuses to, and indeed our marriage has become highly stagnant.

It does not in any way serve to further our development - except perhaps as having a daily opportunity to practice presence and remaining calm and not let ego take over. But myself, I feel how I have devolved and started to exhibit behaviors, I outgrew years back as a teenager (angry outbursts and breaking stuff. Last year I slammed a fist into a wall, breaking by hand - really embarrassed by that episode!).

I know we're each responsible for our own behaviors, but in my case, I have been driven absolutely mad by my wife refusing to change her behaviors. She won't listen. She is ruthless and selfish. She's arrogant and never admits a mistake. She's unconscious - BIG time. Why don't I leave then? The kids. 3 of them in fact.

Do I not have a responsibility to prioritize their spiritual journey over mine? Our marriage is still low conflict, so I know that the kids are happy having both of us at home. So should I file for divorce, it wold be of purely selfish interest, and I can't do that.

This situation really has me in a fixed position and that frustration just boils inside of me, and I can't find a way to get out of it.
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Feb 06, 2016 4:54 pm

Hello Michael. Thank you for your enquiry. It's a very interesting one, to be sure, but I just don't have the time to reply to it today. So, please bear with me a bit. With love - Aquarius
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Re: Being ignored by my husband

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Feb 08, 2016 5:55 pm

Dear Michael,

From the way you describe your behaviour towards your wife and the way you are reacting to her, it seems to me that this is a straight forward case of projection. You are saying that ‘She is ruthless and selfish. She's arrogant and never admits a mistake.’ Then you say you are reacting to her ‘with angry outbursts and breaking stuff. Last year I slammed a fist into a wall, breaking by hand.’ If that is the case, you can be sure that projection is at work BIG TIME!

In case you are unfamiliar with this concept, here is an extract from my chapter about it:

We can only recognise in others what we ourselves are. Alas, rather than living our less pleasant characteristics out, we project them onto others instead. The world around us is always a reflection not only of their good as well as their distasteful behaviour patterns, but also our own. Nobody has any problems when it comes to taking possession of the good qualities that are on display in this way. Yet, it is another matter entirely when we have to deal with the less desirable and endearing ones. No matter how objectionable some of them may be, in the process of becoming more whole it is vital that we should also own up to them. Although our psyche tries to hide them from our conscious awareness, they are there, of that we can be sure. The very fact that we can recognise them in others proves that they are in us as well, because otherwise we would be unable to see them.

If our energies and characteristics were not so similar to those who irritate and annoy us – including those of our nearest and dearest – we would never have drawn a relationship with them into our lives; we would not have needed it. But, the way things have been thus far in our evolutionary plan of life, we most certainly do. For as long as we suffer intensely from the nastier character traces we observe in others, we are receiving signals from the Universe that the same is tucked away inside us, in our own subconscious, waiting to be released.

The following extract from ‘The Dynamics Of Human Relationships And The Law Of Attraction’ could also be of interest here:

It is possible to influence others and those on the healer’s pathway ensure to do this in positive ways only. Anyone who to this day believes they can change someone else is chasing an illusion, because that is impossible. In all human relationships projection is always at work. It is a normal part of human behaviour. Everybody does it, so let this not worry you. Next time you find yourself in troublesome relationships and situations, stop feeling bad about them or yourself. Bearing in mind that the only person in the whole wide world that can be changed by us is ourselves, do something constructive and positive and get to work, not on the people who are irritating you, but on yourself.

Whenever we have problems with others and want their behaviour towards us to change, we must first sweep in front of our own door. To find a resolution we have to look within and with utmost honesty examine our own mannerisms and deep seated inner attitudes. They are the culprits and the cause of all our difficulties. First we have to assess our problem, then our search for a solution can begin. This is a journey like any other that starts with the question: ‘Where am I now, where do I want to go and how can I get there?’

A satisfying outcome and a resolution of the conflicts that are so frequently experienced in human relationship that upset our equilibrium can in my view only be achieved through a change of heart. What we require most of all is a better understanding of the background of the offender and the difficulties they may be struggling with, which are making them behave the way they do. The very efforts we are making towards this end starts to change our own vibration towards the offender into a more loving one.

Because of the special dynamics between people it frequently happens in such cases that those around us respond to the different vibrations we are then radiating in their direction. The effect of this can sometimes border on the miraculous. With some people this process takes longer than with others, but spiritually every small effort anyone makes towards improving their human relationships into more loving ones are recognised and rewarded by God and the Angels.

If we but ask, the Universe is all too happy to show each one of us how to go about changing our own attitudes, so that those around us can respond to them. Why not try it for yourself? Given time, you will be able to watch how the miracle of growing more loving that is taking place within you is affecting the world around you and how the people in it reflect your own lovingness back to you.

With love and light,
Aquarius
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