A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Apr 15, 2015 2:14 pm

White Eagle ‘The Spontaneous Joy Of The Spirit’ Stella Polaris Aug/Sept 2011: ‘Do not be too serious and solemn with yourself or else you chain yourself to the heaviness of the Earth atmosphere. Be very still and quiet, but also have the joy of the spirit singing within you and the laughter of the spirit on your faces. We, your spirit guides in the world of light, have a sense of humour and nothing gives us greater pleasure than to hear and see the joy of the spirit bubbling through you. We encourage happiness, the zest for life and a sense that whatever is happening in your world does so for good and wise reasons and therefore is right.’

How about sharing some of our favourites jokes, anecdotes, videos - whatever makes you smile or gives you a hearty laugh, even better? To get the ball rolling, here is my first contribution:

The Sick Note

Dear Sir
I write this note to inform you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
around.

Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

‘The Sick Note’
https://youtu.be/fx7aoEBtPXA

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Apr 16, 2015 1:59 pm

Pregnancy Questions And Answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children are enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, immediately after it finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method of determining a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that her behaviour sometimes borders on the irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’m going to feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: When you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act something like normal again?
A: When your children are in college.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:32 pm

From The Police Report

A policeman calls the station on his radio: ‘Hello, is that you Sarge?’

‘Yes?’

‘We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.’

‘Have you arrested the woman?’

‘No sir. The floor is still wet.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed May 06, 2015 2:20 pm

Fun With Languages

Isn’t English a crazy language? Let me illustrate this with a few examples. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And, by the way, why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

There also is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so it’s time to shut UP!

And now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun May 10, 2015 9:26 pm

Why Men Don’t Get Depressed As Easily As Women

They are much happier for the following reasons:

• Their surname remains the same when they marry.
• The garage is all theirs.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• They can never be pregnant.
• They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• They can wear no shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell them the truth.
• The world is their urinal.
• They never have to drive to another filling station restroom because this one is just too dirty.
• They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress £5000. Tuxedo rental £100.
• People never stare at their chest when they are talking to them.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister or mangle their feet.
• Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
• They know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• They can open all their own jars.
• They get credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite them, they can still be their friends.
• They underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for most men.
• They almost never have strap problems in public.
• They are unable to see creases in their clothes.
• Everything on their face stays its original colour.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• They only have to shave their face and neck.
• They can play with toys all their lives.
• One wallet, one pair of shoes and one colour for all seasons.
• They can wear shorts no matter what kind of legs they have.
• They can manicure their nails with a pocket knife.
• They have freedom of choice growing a moustache.

• When it comes to nicknames, when Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

• When men are eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though the meal costs only £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Some of them may well do this.

• It is said that a man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs, whereas a woman might pay £1 for a £2 item she doesn’t need, but she buys it because it’s in a sale.

• Apparently, men usually have six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel, where as the average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is supposed to be about fifty. A man would be unable to identify more than twenty of them.

• Some women believe they have to have the last word in any argument. In that case anything her man would have to say after that would mean the beginning of a new quarrel.

• Some women are believed to worry about the future until they get a husband, while men never worry about the future until they get a wife.

• Some women marry a man in the hope that he will change, but he doesn’t. He marries a woman and thinks she won’t change, yet she does.

• A woman dresses up to go shopping, but first she waters the plants, empties the trash, answers the phone, reads a book and fetches the mail. Men, on the other hand, dress up for weddings and funerals only.

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed – that’s what they think, in any case. And some women seem to believe that somehow they have deteriorated during the night.

• Women know everything about their children, their dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams, whereas some men are only vaguely aware that small people are sharing their home with them.

• ‘With the coming of the Aquarian Age the patriarchy has served its purpose. Clear evidence is emerging everywhere that the balance between the feminine and masculine aspects of Creation is slowly re-establishing itself in our inner and outer world. However, as the love and wisdom aspect of our Father/Mother Creator is conscious in women and unconscious in men, it is hardly surprising that to this day the Goddess’s qualities can be a scarce commodity with the males of our species. Unless they take care to grow and evolve through their relationships, the way we are meant to do on the Earth plane, in their present lifetime many of them are in danger of remaining stuck in the evolutionary phase of frivolous and irresponsible little boys. Rather than patiently working their way through the difficulties that arise from the gender’s different perceptions of and approach to life, these men prefer to take to their heels.

‘Six thousand years of patriarchy with its systematic and ever more brutal suppression of the feminine principle in our world, to this day have left many a male of our species bereft of their own feminine characteristics. Although by now good progress is being made on the road of recovery, at the time of updating this in the year 2015, our world still has a long way to go until its balance has finally been restored. And so, it is hardly surprising that so many marriages these days all too easily turn into a deck of cards, as someone once put it. In the beginning the two people involved needed nothing but two hearts and a diamond. But, by the end both of them may well wish they each had a club and a spade instead.’ From ‘The Patriarchy And Warfare Through The Ages’, in preparation.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue May 26, 2015 2:34 pm

When You’re Getting On A Bit

Ever heard of AAADD
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
Everybody over 50 is at risk
And this is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I catch a glimpse of my car and decide it’s in need of washing.

Walking towards the garage, I notice the mail that I collected from the letterbox earlier on the table near the front door.

I decide to go through the mail before washing the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table and notice that it is full.

So, I put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

When I take my cheque book off the table, I notice that only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go there and find a can of Coke I had been drinking earlier.

Searching for my new chequebook, I push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. Because it feels warm, I take it to the fridge in the kitchen.

Heading towards the kitchen with my Coke, I notice a vase of flowers in need of topping up with water on the worktop.

So, I put the Coke down and, to my delight, find my reading glasses which I’ve been searching for all morning. Thinking to myself: ‘I better put them back on my desk,’ but then decide to first give my flowers some water.

Leaving the glasses on the worktop, I am about to fill a container with water when I spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I’ll be looking for it high and low and I shall never remember where I left it. So, I better put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

Whilst topping up the flower vase, but quite a bit of water splashes onto the floor. So, I put the remote control back on the table, get some kitchen towel and wipe up the spill.

After that, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place. At the end of the day I find that the car hasn’t been cleaned, the bills are still unpaid, a can of warm Coke is sitting on the kitchen worktop, the flowers still don’t have enough water and only one cheque is in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote control and the glasses and I cannot, for the life of me, remember what I did with the car keys.

Exhausted, I flop into a chair and I try to figure out why nothing got done today. This really baffles me because I know I have been very busy all day.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you – yet!
As my dear old dad used to say:
‘What’s blossoming in one is budding in another.’

Your time for the onset of AAADD may be closer than you think.

‘Growing older is mandatory,
growing up is optional and
laughing at ourselves is therapeutic.’

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jun 27, 2015 12:50 pm

The Great Outdoors

Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping to get away from it all. In the middle of the night Sherlock woke Watson and asked him: ‘What do you see?’ Watson replied: ‘Why, I see stars – millions of them!’ ‘Hm,’ said Holmes. ‘And what does that tell you?’ ‘Well,’ came the reply, ‘astronomically, I see millions of stars, and the possibility that there are billions more of them in other galaxies. Theologically, I see that God is great and manifests magnificently in his Creation. Meteorologically, I see that the weather tomorrow will be clear and fine. But what do you see, Holmes?’ After a moment’s pause, Sherlock replied: ‘Elementary, my dear Watson! Someone has stolen our tent.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jun 30, 2015 1:24 pm

Graffiti

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* * *

Make love not war.
See driver for details.
(On the back of a van)

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Back in a minute – Godot
(Dept. of English, Columbia University, N.Y.)

* * *

Einstein rules relatively, okay.

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Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

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We are the writing on your wall.

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Join the Army!
Meet interesting people and kill them.

* * *

Be alert.
Your country needs lerts.

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100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.

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Do not adjust your mind!
There is a fault in reality.

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‘God is dead!’ Nietzsche
Someone scrawled underneath:
‘Nietzsche is dead!’ God

Beneath that, another person wrote:
‘God is not dead, but alive and well,
And working on a much less ambitious project.’

* * *

To do is to be. Rousseau
To be is to do. Sartre
Dobedobedo. Sinatra

From ‘Graffiti Lives’ by Nigel Rees

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Jul 01, 2015 2:21 pm

A man runs up to a stranger and out of breath asks him: ‘Have you seen any police round here?’

‘Police round here, mate? You having a laugh?’ replies the other one.

‘Oh, good! Stick 'em up!’ says the first man.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:23 pm

The Importance Of Drinking Water In Old Age

A reporter asked 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: ‘Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?’

Hattie replied:

For better digestion I drink beer.
In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine.
For low blood pressure I drink Red Wine.
In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch.
And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I’ve never been that sick!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jul 07, 2015 2:27 pm

Be Careful What You Ask For!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day, while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to become aware of the kind of things he had to endure and so one fine day he prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I go to work every day and put in eight hours of toil, while my wife merely stays at home. I don’t think that’s fair. I want her to get to know my lot in life. How about swopping our roles just for a day, so she does my work and I do hers?’

The Universe, in Its infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. And so the next morning he woke up as a woman. Immensely pleased with himself, he got up and prepared breakfast for his family. Then he raised the children from their slumbers and set out their school clothes. Having breakfasted with them, he packed their lunches and drove them to school. Upon returning home he picked up the dry cleaning and took it to the cleaners, stopping at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went to the supermarket to shop for groceries and drove home to put them away. After that he paid some bills, without forgetting to balance the check book.

After that he cleaned the cat’s litter tray and bathed the dog. As it was already one p.m., it was time for making the beds. After that came the laundry, dusting and vacuuming. Then he swept and mopped the kitchen floor. Oh dear! Time for picking the children up from school. On their way home they got into an argument with him. When they got home, he gave them some milk and biscuits and then supervised their homework.

After all that, he set up the ironing board and watched TV whilst he was ironing. At 4.30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables to make some salad. He breaded the pork chops he had bought and prepared fresh beans to accompany them. Having partaken in their evening meal, he cleaned the kitchen and got the dishwasher going, folded laundry, bathed the children and put them to bed.

By 9 p.m. he was so exhausted that, in spite of the fact that his daily chores were by no means finished, he went to bed. Instead of being allowed to go to sleep and get the rest he needed and had deserved, he was expected to make love. To his own amazement, he managed to get through it without complaint.

Upon waking the next morning, he immediately went down on his knees by the side of his bed and prayed: ‘Great Spirit, Father/Mother of all life, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay at home. Please, oh please, will you let me be a man again? Amen!’

The Universal Force, in Its infinite wisdom, replied: ‘My dearest child of the Earth, I can see that you have learnt your lesson and I would be happy enough to change things back to the way they were, but you’ll have to wait nine months because you got pregnant last night.’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:15 pm

A Case Of Mistaken Identity

An elderly gentleman was walking down a road, carrying a length of 2" by 1" timber over his shoulder, to make his wife a clothes prop.

A little boy came past him and asked: ‘Are you a Pole-vaulter?’

‘No, young man,’ replied the man. ‘I am German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Aug 31, 2015 2:20 pm

Facebook – In Real Life

Dedicated to those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and, I tell them I love them and, it works! I already have 6 people following me:

2 police officers,
1 psychiatrist,
And a staff of 3 from the local Insane Asylum’s Ambulance-Capture-Crew.

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A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Sep 01, 2015 2:59 pm

Words

Pythagoras’ theorem – 24 words.

Lord’s Prayer – 66 words.

Archimedes’ Principle – 67 words.

10 Commandments – 179 words.

Gettysburg address – 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence – 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments – 7,818 words.

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage – 26,911 words.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:18 pm

A woman goes back to work after thirty years.
To see what happens to her, please follow the link below:

‘Back To Work’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7T9NtbBsOY

As the video is only four seconds long, watch carefully!

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