painBody wrote:What I'm about to write about is something I have almost always known, intuitively, to be true, but yet, have never been able to apply or realize in my life.
A Buddhist meditation teacher I learned from for a while, often spoke about desire and fear in the context of relationships. She said that, when we hold on to someone too tightly, or push them away, we cause suffering. And, ever since she brought up that topic, I have given it a lot of thought.
After having been alone for the entirety of my existence - 33 years, I don't see the need to spend another day alone. In my experience with dating/women, I have always held on tightly, because of the sheer dread of returning to that all too familiar and eternal loneliness that has consumed me for as long as I can remember. And, inevitably, almost all of those "relationships" ended in a matter of weeks or less. When I think of the desire/fear truth, I see clearly, why all those relationships didn't stand a chance. Yet, I know, with equally strong conviction, that, given another chance at a relationship, exactly the same would occur.
ET talks about giving someone "space". I hate that word, because of how it is misused, esp. in the context of relationships. True space, as defined by ET, is the space for someone to be him/herself. That is what space really means. It doesn't necessarily mean physical space or time (a "day off" from the significant other). It just means allowing the other person to be whoever they are, without intruding into that space with your ego. It means not imposing yourself on the other. And that makes perfect sense. Because, my ideal mate would be someone who lets me be myself.
I think that there is such a purity and beauty in letting go of someone who doesn't want to be with you. I think of opening the door to the cage of a bird. Give the bird a choice. If it wants to be with you, it will. Otherwise, it is best for it to fly away. If it is meant to be with you, it will return.
I spent my teens single. I finally resorted to pickup because of the dread I had of single life. Prior, I would date through serendipity, waiting on perfect situations or social circle. I remember I would enamor over some girl, obsess or cringe worthy, take flowers to some girls house. I had no understanding of dating or social skills. I remember I bought this girl ice cream and things were good but, they got weird. I was hung up on her but, it was off. I was this 'good guy' but, it was because I thought this is what to be. My ego was to preserve this 'good guy' image. I tried to understand girls and dating but, I just kept seeing girls chasing 'players,' and it annoyed me. It annoyed me seeing my crushes pregnant and single moms. It annoyed me to see girls that never give me the time a day come around later on in life as I did self improvement.
I am embarrassed to admit doing pickup and approaching. I have always been genuinely interested. What I learned was that, there was no reason I am not enough. I have dated. I met some awesome girls but, I also realized how warped world was before hand and how much it messed with my psyche. I just thought you meet someone, you date, get married, and have a family. Maybe be a grandpa one day.
Like you 'Painbody,' I held on tightly. I couldn't understand, the good girl I could see myself marrying and having a family with running away to have a one night stand with the player. As I approached lots of girls, as I dated more, and hooked up, I stopped caring. I don't care anymore. I let go. I am not trying to capture the girl. I am just giving love, giving her the opportunity to get to know me, and see what happens. Maybe its my next gf or future wife or maybe she rejects me. I have been rejected quite a bit in the process but, I date more now and I am not lonely. I am still single. I just am a more fun person to be around.
Painbody, search youtube for 'freedom from outcome.'
I read the bhavada-gita (pardon spelling). I came across this concept from pickup but, in the Gita, Arjuna' dedication to Krsna in everything he does unattached. I am doig this in my daily life be it approaching or school/work life. What do you want in a given moment? Be in a relationship? find love? Pursue a relationship? Can you be that place of 'being' and yet, unattached to 'the fruits of your actions/works?'
I confess, I feel shame for pickup, and yet, there was no alternative. My genes would be weeded out of existence. I tried every alternative. Now, I met a girl in a coffee shop. I meet girls at the gym. I met some students or girls at cafes. I am getting older. I would like to date more and work on self discovery before thinking about a family one day. In all honesty, I have not dated or explored enough self knowledge to be ready. I hope you find what you are seeking in this life. Its helped me overcome a lot of my own personal fears especially anxiety or rejection. Its still there but, I am afraid of being alone which is what I knew most of my life so, what harm is approaching, saying hello? To asking a pretty girl out for coffee or for drinks? It hasn't been 'forever' but, nothing is which makes it all the more special.