Accepting hurts

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Accepting hurts

Postby tunux » Mon Jun 05, 2017 11:01 am

Hello all, i am new to the forums, but i have been reading off and on.

For the last couple of years i have been going trough some hard times, and somehow life just does not seem to go easy on me.

i have been diagnosed with OCD but it is not the OCD most people think off, i actually don't clean my house all day or organize everything that i can get my hands on.
My OCD is about my own mistakes i have made in the past, i obsessively ruminate about my past and i feel extremely guilty towards everything and everyone. I do also fear the future especially now because my wife and i are almost about to divorce due to my 'mental illnesses' and my lack of attention towards her. the thought of her leaving me almost causes panic attacks the whole time.

a couple of years ago when i was in a even worse place where i had depression and suicidal thoughts i have went and listened to the audio book the power of now. at the time i just did not had the tools and mindset to really understand and listen to what Eckhart was saying and right now i guess i know why.
Every time when i hear that the pain and suffering should be accepted and just observed i get this huge feeling of sadness, how can someone accept so much pain, anxiety and suffering? it feels that if i accept it i actually invite it and possible take me over?

I guess that is what i am afraid about, accepting it and thus being possessed by this weird kind of entity inside of me.

at this moment all that is going trough my mind is fear, fear of losing my wife, my house, everything i worked for so many years, and most of all i fear of losing myself.
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Re: Accepting hurts

Postby Webwanderer » Mon Jun 05, 2017 3:11 pm

Welcome to the forum tunux.
My OCD is about my own mistakes i have made in the past, i obsessively ruminate about my past and i feel extremely guilty towards everything and everyone.

If you could go back in time and make different choices about the things you feel guilty about, would you? Would you change the past if you could? I know I would. Although I'm not entirely sure that's a good idea, it certainly is an appealing one. If you would go back and change a past mistake that brings current feelings of guilt, what will you feel about mistakes that you are making now? In a few weeks or months will you wish you could change how you approached the life that you have now?

Now, you can make choices that will bring you peace of mind in any future remembering as it relates to this moment and the choices you are currently making. You can choose to give this moment your best while the opportunity is here and free yourself from any future guilt about this time in your life.

In other words begin to look forward in your life and how you would like to feel in ways that you know you will enjoy remembering. Staying focused on past events that bring you pain only serves to damage your present experience and lay the groundwork for more guilty pain in the future. Begin now in making better memories.

As you do this, the lesson will become clear on the futility of staying focused on things you cannot change in favor of things you can. Why spend conscious energy in a way the perpetuates the very thing you wish was not present when an alternative is readily available. Make choices now that will serve your peace of mind tomorrow.

The things that haunt us from the past will likely stay with us in some form. By being inclusive of them rather than trying to wish them out of existence makes them manageable as part of the tapestry of our life experience. You and I and everyone else is a product of our environment. Yes, we made some bad choices, but we did so from a mindset that was heavily influenced by the circumstances of our existing conditioning. Take your historical view from a context that is inclusive of all factors and apply their lessons to your current advantage. Living in self imposed guilt is just one more thing that you will wish you did differently.

So recognize the opportunity that is ever present - in this and every moment to create a better memory. Find something to appreciate at every opportunity. Your wife. Your family. The new day that is ripe with opportunity to make choices that work for you.

WW
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Re: Accepting hurts

Postby tunux » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:18 pm

Is it possible to forgive oneself for things i have done in the past?

The obsession right now is one that i got recently and is dating back tot 2008. Back in 2008 i went on a duty to Afghanistan, and while being there i have had some life treathing experiences as you may call it.

Me and others shared pictures that were taken during the duty in Afghanistan, and once i came back i noticed i liked the attention i got from people, so i showed a lot of people the images of all kinds of things. (even pictures of wounded and deceased people). i told them stories about those pictures as if it was me, some of those pictures actually were mine, but some were not.

Today i sat on the couch and was watching a movie with bradd pitt about the war in Afghanistan, and during a scene you could see a deceased child. and that was the ultimate trigger to me, I started thinking and thinking and feeling really bad, i told the people i was visiting that i had to go home because i had stuff to do, but all i wanted was to flee the situation and especially the movie that was on the television. While getting back home (on my bicycle) the obsession started manifesting itself and once i got back home i was convinced that someone who lies about those kinds of things just to get attention is not worth of living. This really scares me, i want to live! but i am in so much panic right now that i don't know how to deal with it.


This is just one of many examples of things i have done in the past, and i just don't know how to forgive myself for these things, i try and observe these thoughts, but they induce so much pnic inside of me that i just feel the need to do something drastic and escape the situation.
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Re: Accepting hurts

Postby Webwanderer » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:54 pm

tunux wrote:Is it possible to forgive oneself for things i have done in the past?

It's not only possible, it's the right thing to do. I'm not suggesting that you deny your past actions, rather that you be inclusive of them in your understanding of how life works in this human form. We are all subject to the environment we were born into. We all do things we wish we hadn't. You can compound the problem with debilitating living guilt, or you can use what happened to make you a better person.

While getting back home (on my bicycle) the obsession started manifesting itself and once i got back home i was convinced that someone who lies about those kinds of things just to get attention is not worth of living. This really scares me, i want to live! but i am in so much panic right now that i don't know how to deal with it.

You are a veteran. So am I. The VA can help you. Call them and make an appointment. Tell them your story. There is nothing wrong here. It's just the choices you are making that have brought you to this state. Learn from your choices and consider what might be a better way to see your life. You can, but you have to choose for it. Call them. Life can be fun again.

This is just one of many examples of things i have done in the past, and i just don't know how to forgive myself for these things, i try and observe these thoughts, but they induce so much panic inside of me that i just feel the need to do something drastic and escape the situation.

Use those memories to build a new foundation of the person you want to be. It's okay. It's the right thing to do. Constant dwelling on them however, is not going to help. Move away from the memories and in the direction you want to go. No one that matters is making judgments but you. Consider how you would tell someone you love how to handle this. What would you say to your son, your brother, your lover? Would you forgive them? You too are worthy of forgiveness. We all are. Love just wants you back.

Understand, you are God's own life energy as a conscious explorer in this world. God/Source came in countless bits and pieces of human expressions for the challenging experiences of this world and as an element of infinite conscious evolution. You are simply doing your part. Thanks for your service as a servant of the collective consciousness of being. This is what we do, and in the long run, it's all good.

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Re: Accepting hurts

Postby borris83 » Sat Jun 10, 2017 9:27 pm

tunux wrote:Hello all, i am new to the forums, but i have been reading off and on.

For the last couple of years i have been going trough some hard times, and somehow life just does not seem to go easy on me.

i have been diagnosed with OCD but it is not the OCD most people think off, i actually don't clean my house all day or organize everything that i can get my hands on.
My OCD is about my own mistakes i have made in the past, i obsessively ruminate about my past and i feel extremely guilty towards everything and everyone. I do also fear the future especially now because my wife and i are almost about to divorce due to my 'mental illnesses' and my lack of attention towards her. the thought of her leaving me almost causes panic attacks the whole time.

a couple of years ago when i was in a even worse place where i had depression and suicidal thoughts i have went and listened to the audio book the power of now. at the time i just did not had the tools and mindset to really understand and listen to what Eckhart was saying and right now i guess i know why.
Every time when i hear that the pain and suffering should be accepted and just observed i get this huge feeling of sadness, how can someone accept so much pain, anxiety and suffering? it feels that if i accept it i actually invite it and possible take me over?

I guess that is what i am afraid about, accepting it and thus being possessed by this weird kind of entity inside of me.

at this moment all that is going trough my mind is fear, fear of losing my wife, my house, everything i worked for so many years, and most of all i fear of losing myself.


Teaching of acceptance is mainly targeted towards the feeling that things are not the way they should be. But compulsively remembering what happens in the past and trying to accept it will not work. (it makes things worse). The best way to handle this is to not derive your identity from your past. Mindfulness meditation will help. Mindfulness changes the perspective of self and helps you dis-identify with your story. It will also reduce your anxiety and improve your relationships as well. Mindfulness is what Eckhart Tolle teaches in his book, even though he doesn't use the same word.
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Re: Accepting hurts

Postby sardinelover » Thu Jun 29, 2017 2:00 pm

tunux, forget about acceptance or forgiveness. They are just concepts, mind stuff.

Lack of presence is the core problem here. If you are not present, you will feel remorse and bitterness about the past, and anxiety and worry about the future.

Become present in order to dissolve past and future.

Whenever you are aware of negative thoughts or emotions, sit still, close your eyes and watch the thoughts and feel the emotions in your body. Putting your awareness into your body is the only way to remove negativity from your body.
Relax your face
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