3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

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3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Thierry52 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 10:21 am

I have 2 questions. First, as a dad I get frustrated when my wife screams at our son. I am not perfect but I made a point of not screaming at him. However if my wife goes too far, I try to tell her to let it go, which usually has the opposite effect of making me unconscious too. Eckhart says what you fight you strengthen but it's hard for me to witness my son being verbally abused. I know my wife loves our son just like I do, her unconscious behavior is not herself. The second question is why does our son seems to love his mom more despite her frequent lack of patience? (things are improving as I am criticizing her less). Before 3, he always sat on my laps to eat, now he will only eat sited next to mom, sit in the car only if mom sits next to him in the back. When he is alone with me, he is like an angel but with his mom he is very demanding.
I discovered Eckhart about a year ago. I keep reading his books over and over and making notes. It helped me be less critical and more accepting. Lately my wife joined the gym and goes almost every day after I stopped harassing her about being a couch potato... Our relationship is progressively getting better but we still have a couple of pain body a month.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Thu Feb 02, 2017 4:03 am

Hi and welcome to the forum.

First, I don't find any issue with you not wanting your wife to scream at your child. I think that's perfectly reasonable, but she may not know how to control her emotions enough to communicate effectively. So, it's a balance of protecting your child and teaching your wife how to engage consciously without yelling. Whether this can work or not depends on her programming. I suggest, if you don't already impliment, setting up a "time-out" structure, that can be used instead of yelling.

Why does he seem to like her more? Does she stay home with him? If so, she spends more time with him and a stronger relationship and dependency can develop. But, we are talking about a 3 yr old here, so who knows why really? My 3 yr old grandson lives with me and why he does or says things sometimes is because he's 3 or he's testing limits.

He's probably an angel with you and not your wife, because he knows your limits better, but your wife is a screamer, so he can get away with more, for longer, before she blows her top. This is speculation of course and I could be way off base, since I don't even know you!
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby bmcgoo » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:18 pm

I have a 4 year old son. My wife doesn't yell but our son cries with her at least 10 times more than with me... but yet he clearly wants to be with her more. I think it's just the nature of children at that age. I've been told around age 6-7 they start to appreciate Dad more.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Thierry52 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 5:07 am

Thanks for your replies. Since the last post, my son got closer to me again. He opens the door when I get home and wants to play more with me. I have been working less overtime and my wife only works part time. That might be the explanation. My wife progressively screams less at our child but still has some outburst of anger if I criticize her a little bit. Even though her pain body attacks now only last about half hour and not hours like before, I still fear those moments of unconsciousness. When her pain body is active, she sometimes throws things at me before I have time to go to another room and yells insults to try to push my buttons. I understand non reaction is the key and relationships are a great tool for spiritual growth but it's not easy to stay present. I have been trying to get her to read Eckhart Tolle or go to therapy with no success. She started being physically active since January following my advice. She's taking a zoomba class a few times a week.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:26 pm

Yikes! Your wife has some issues! Sometimes you have to put your foot down with some boundries vs. "non reaction".
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Thierry52 » Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:47 am

DJ, could you give me some examples of boundaries? I am not perfect neither but I've been trying to improve myself for many years and finding Ekhart Tolle has helped me more than anything else. I have been married once before and that did not last long. This time, we have a son and I had never experienced unlimited love before him, he can do no wrong for me! My wife noticing how I am in harmony with our son, asks me why can't I be like that with her? Some of my negative points is being too critical and perfectionist. When my wife screamed at our son, I would get upset and scream at her not to scream... Now I try not to say anything but look at my son and smile at him and blink my eyes. It's a way for us to communicate that the storm is going to pass and try not to take her screaming seriously. To be less critical, I am writing my negative thoughts down so that I can be more positive when communicating with her. That is a new thing, let's see. I also try to do some deep breathing before saying something important. Everyone got some baggage. My wife seems to have some heavy ones with sexual abuse as a kid and her dad passing when she was a teen-ager.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:48 pm

DJ, could you give me some examples of boundaries?


To me a boundary is where you draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship. My boundaries may be different then your boundaries. For instance, I have a boundary that under no circumstance is it acceptable for my husband to throw an object at me. Unless, of course, he is playing around and it's a dart made of sponge or something like that. I don't have to tell him what the consequences would be, if he were to break my boundary or I could tell him in advance, either way though there must be a consequence for someone breaking your boundary. In my case, if he were to throw something at me in anger and break my boundary, then I would decide what the consequence would be, but there would be one!

When it comes to the screaming. You could tell her you'll leave the room (and take your child) every time she yells and screams so she doesn't have an audience!

Don't let your wife's past be an excuse for her bad behavior. You will be enabling that behavior if you excuse it away.

You teach people how to treat you, through your personal boundaries.

Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by dijmart on Tue Jun 06, 2017 8:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Admiral Akmir » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:58 pm

Check this out, this site in general, has some really good advice;

https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/

Honestly... The teachings of ET, and other similar teachers have value, but they're not everything. I went through a period where I tried to be present all the time, tried to follow his advice, and it just didn't work. I've come back around several times, and each time I've learned a little more. The less I try, the easier it is. I think that's the biggest problem when people read ET's book, or study the teachings, is that they came to the book from a place of suffering. Right from the start, there was a desire for change, and so there was an end goal. That goal, or that desire in and of itself will stand in the way of progress.

I'll still study the teachings, and every now and then I'll have an "Ah-Ha!" moment, where I really learn something about myself. I mostly use it as a tool to move past my own personal feelings and beliefs, but for external events, and dealing with real people, I try to use more direct, less abstract tools, such as the resource I listed above. Don't stop at ET, look into as many teachers as you can. Pick up what you can from them, and leave what you can't.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Thierry52 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:56 am

Thanks both of you for helping me with boundaries! I am looking for ways to implement them to stop her outbursts of anger in the house. Does anyone have any suggestions? I told her so many times, her behavior is unacceptable, but lecturing does not work. After such episodes I am usually quick to forgive, may be I should give her the silence treatment for a few days and keep my distance. She is usually on her "best behavior" for a week or more if we don't spend much time together.
DJ you're absolutely right screamers don't get their way with toddlers. My wife often has to make pasta for every meal, when my son eats whatever I eat when I am with him. When she loses it, she has tried time out but leaves him alone too long for his age. Or she brings him to me or I take him in my arms and we isolate ourselves. Now he's big enough to open the doors and go find me. I work night shift so I am home most of the day. Our son, now only takes his nap next to my bedroom, he won't nap if he stays on the lower floor where his mom is. Despite his mom's temper tantrums, he seems to be a very calm kid. He did very well at his first year of preschool at Montessori. Montessori's education based on kids respect and love seems to be a great counter balance to his mom's authoritarian ways. Ekhart Tolle's definition of highly unconscious people fits my wife ... almost too well. She puts loud music all day long, she spends hours watching the internet (we have no TV at my request) and never wants to invite people over. Louise Hay wrote that we marry the parent we don't like. She is just like my dad, very introverted.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Admiral Akmir » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:43 pm

Thanks both of you for helping me with boundaries! I am looking for ways to implement them to stop her outbursts of anger in the house. Does anyone have any suggestions? I told her so many times, her behavior is unacceptable, but lecturing does not work. After such episodes I am usually quick to forgive, may be I should give her the silence treatment for a few days and keep my distance. She is usually on her "best behavior" for a week or more if we don't spend much time together.


You can't change other people. Her outbursts are not your fault, and they're not your responsibility. Don Miguel Ruiz and his son have both written about this topic. I believe it's discussed in "The Mastery of Love". His advice from "The Four Agreements" is also relevant here. What he basically describes, is a situation where two people put their happiness in the hands of the other, and then wind up frustrated and in conflict when their perceived needs are not met. I think that the article I linked in my last post actually addresses "stonewalling" as an unhealthy coping technique. The silent treatment is a form of resentment, and basically boils down to "I'll withhold affection if you don't satisfy my criteria". That sounds really harsh on paper, but it's not meant as an attack against you.

When we take the responsibility of our well being away from other people, and return it to ourselves, then we are forming a boundary. We can control ourselves, and our own actions, but we cannot control others. We can do nice things for people, because we want to, but we cannot control whether or not they accept it, or control what they do with it. We can enjoy ourselves, but cannot decide if the people around us will enjoy themselves. You can tell your wife that you won't accept verbal, or physical abuse from her anymore, but you cannot control what she will do with that information, you can only control you. So the question then becomes; if she chooses not to honor your boundaries, and continues to be abusive, rather than try to change her ( Which you can't ), what will you do?
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:54 pm

Nice post Admiral, I agree!
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby steve Davidson » Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:22 pm

Hi Thierry, all i would add is that the dynamic here is someone who is a little more aware or present than the other, consciousness dealing with unconsciousness, not saying this in a bad way, but as in Tolles terms. Tolle talks about similar incidents i believe in Power of Now where he is conscious dealing with unconscious people and how his presence helped in the situation. Maybe re-read those parts in Power of Now and try to work on being more present and seeing if it does not have any effect on the situation.

edit: i will leave this post, it is probably not helpful though, and you already have done this it seems. But for some reason i felt i had to post this, so will leave it up. Maybe it is just a reminder to re-read Tolle regarding this and to add this approach to whatever actions you take to set boundaries, etc.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:34 pm

If your wife gets frustrated trying to parent, meaning she isn't using good strategy and/or disipline. Look into a book called "Parenting with love and logic". There may be a website too. It's about setting limits, giving choices and consequences (or praise) for children "without" needing to become a scream and yeller or losing your mind. My sister read it and used the principals with her daughter from toddler hood (who is 11 now) and it worked wonders.
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby Thierry52 » Thu Jun 08, 2017 6:22 pm

"You can't change other people. Her outbursts are not your fault, and they're not your responsibility. Don Miguel Ruiz and his son have both written about this topic. I believe it's discussed in "The Mastery of Love". His advice from "The Four Agreements" is also relevant here. What he basically describes, is a situation where two people put their happiness in the hands of the other, and then wind up frustrated and in conflict when their perceived needs are not met." Thanks Admiral, I ordered "The mastery of love",
. "Look into a book called "Parenting with love and logic", Thanks DJ, I will get it for myself and give it when she'll be in a receptive mood. In the past, I offered other books like"Raise your kids without raising your voice" by Sarah Radcliffe but she barely opened it. And thanks Steve for suggesting to go back to "the power of now".
From" Practicing the power of now", " First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner." ... "You will then either separate- in love- or move even more deeply into the Now together, into being. In my last post I mentioned Luise Hay. In "You can heal your life", she suggests to say over and over to yourself"I approve of myself" 3 to 400 times a day for a month. This helped me at the time then I stopped when I discovered Eckhart Tolle because I thought it was against living with mindfulness, being conscious of whatever we are doing at the moment. In the same book Louise Hay suggests another exercise"Look for a moment at someone in your life who bothers you. Describe 3 things about this person you don't like, things that you want them to change. Now look deeply inside of you and ask yourself "where am I like that, and when do I do those things?". Close your eyes and give yourself the time to do this. Then ask yourself if you are willing to change. When you remove those patterns, habits and beliefs from your thinking and behavior, either they will change or leave your life."
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Re: 3 years old different reactions toward Mom and dad

Postby dijmart » Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:18 am

Thanks DJ, I will get it for myself and give it when she'll be in a receptive mood. In the past, I offered other books like"Raise your kids without raising your voice" by Sarah Radcliffe but she barely opened it.


All you can do is read the book and see if its something you would like to incorporate into your parenting. If she sees you do it and the positive results, she may follow suit and want to read the book too.

Describe 3 things about this person you don't like, things that you want them to change. Now look deeply inside of you and ask yourself "where am I like that, and when do I do those things?". Close your eyes and give yourself the time to do this. Then ask yourself if you are willing to change. When you remove those patterns, habits and beliefs from your thinking and behavior, either they will change or leave your life."


Why? Meaning, what's the logic behind her saying that they will change or leave your life? I could see if she means one is "projecting" their own "stuff" on to others, but other then that??
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