A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat May 20, 2017 2:42 pm

Taking Advice

A young priest had to conduct his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak. He asked his superior afterwards how he had done and how he could overcome his nervousness. The older priest told him: ‘Each time I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my glass of water. When I’m beginning to feel my nerves playing up, I take a sip.’

Next Sunday the young man followed the advice. ‘Who am I to argue,’ he told himself. As soon as he started his sermon, he felt so nervous that he took a good swig and performed brilliantly, in his view.

Alas, when he returned to his office after mass, the following note had been pinned to the door:

Sip the vodka, do not gulp it.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky one.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun May 21, 2017 9:35 pm

A Fairy Tale

A man and his wife were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary in a quiet romantic restaurant. Suddenly, the most beautiful tiny fairy appeared and said: ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I am granting each of you a wish.’

The wife answered: ‘I would like to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – she held two tickets for the Queen Mary II in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Although this is highly romantic, another opportunity like it will never come my way again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife thirty years younger than I am.’

Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed. But, as a wish is a wish, the fairy waved her magic wand and in an instant the husband turned into a man of ninety-two.

The moral of this story is: men who are inclined to selfish behaviour should, before making wishes, bear in mind that fairies are feminine.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed May 31, 2017 3:17 pm

The Tale Of The Weather Forecaster

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. As the weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for the coming days, the King decided to go fishing with his Queen. On the way to his favourite spot they met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the King the farmer said: ‘Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time a huge amount of rain is going to fall in this area’.

Being a polite and considerate man, the King replied: ‘I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.’ And that’s what he did. But after a short time there really was a torrential downpour that soaked the King and his Queen, to the delight of their entourage who enjoyed seeing them in this condition.

The King was furious and upon his return to the palace, he ordered that the weather forecaster should be dismissed. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him this prestigious and highly paid role, but the man replied: ‘Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means with certainty that it’s going to rain.’

Do you know that the King did? He hired the donkey and that was the beginning of the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in governments and allowing them to occupy the highest and most influential positions. That practice is unbroken to this day.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Fri Jun 02, 2017 1:55 pm

Grandparent’s Answering Machine Message

Good morning. We are not at home, so please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeep . . .

If you are one of our children, dial 1.
Then select one of the options from 1 to 5 in order of your birth date, so we know who is calling.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do the ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the children from school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or have one delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking. We are listening.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Tue Jun 13, 2017 11:25 am

I admire your persistence in keeping this thread going ! I didn't see a single response from anyone else (I didn't check all pages).

Anyway, here goes ...

Q. Why can men run faster than women ?
A. Because they have 2 ball bearings and a shaft.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jun 13, 2017 4:00 pm

Wives And Their Husbands

A number of women were attending a seminar for the healing of their relationship with their husbands. The first lesson consisted of trying to salvage something from the wreckage of the romance that had once existed between them. When the instructor asked: ‘How many of you love your husband?’, all women raised their hands. The next question was: ‘When was the last time you told your husband you love him?’ Some of the women answered today, a few yesterday and some couldn’t remember when they did.

Then the women were told to send a text to their husbands saying something like: ‘I love you, my dearest.’

Here are some replies:

Who the hell is this?
Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
Yeh, and I love you too. What’s up with you?
What now? Did you crash the car again?
I don’t understand what you mean?
What the hell did you do now?
?!?
Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
Am I dreaming?
There’ll be trouble, if you don’t tell me for whom this message is meant to be.
I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Jun 14, 2017 2:54 pm

Where Is Paradise And Where Is Hell?

Paradise is where:
Chefs are Italians,
Mechanics – German,
Police – English,
Lovers – French,
And the organisers – Swiss.

Hell is where:
Chefs are English,
Mechanics – French,
Police – German,
Lovers – Swiss,
And the organisers – Italian.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Wed Jun 14, 2017 11:14 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:Where Is Paradise And Where Is Hell?

Paradise is where:
Chefs are Italians,
Mechanics – German,
Police – English,
Lovers – French,
And the organisers – Swiss.

Hell is where:
Chefs are English,
Mechanics – French,
Police – German,
Lovers – Swiss,
And the organisers – Italian.

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:lol:
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby dijmart » Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:17 am

painBody wrote:I admire your persistence in keeping this thread going ! I didn't see a single response from anyone else (I didn't check all pages)


Page- 3, 4, 9 and 10
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Jul 02, 2017 9:46 pm

Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines

Rowland Emmett’s Featherstone Kite Gentlemen’s Flying Machine

To see it in action, please follow the link below:

‘Come fly with me!’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zuVlGGHsgU

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Jul 05, 2017 3:34 pm

A Clock With A Difference

Please click the link below
to find out what time it is precisely in your part of the world:

http://www.asriran.com/files/fa/news/1389/8/16/155486_922.swf

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:42 pm

Two men were sitting on a park bench one morning. They started a conversation that went as follows:

A: What are you going to do today?

B: Nothing.

A: You did that yesterday.

B: I know, but I didn’t finish it.

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Jul 10, 2017 5:07 pm

If You Love It . . .

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
Eats your food, uses your telephone,takes your money
And doesn’t seem to realise that you want to set it free,
You are either married to it or gave birth to it.
I came . . . I saw . . . I gave up!

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:23 pm

A Child’s View

A little boy and his mother were in a doctor’s waiting room. He walked over to a pregnant lady and after having had a good look at her, he asked: ‘Why is your tummy was so big?’

With a smile the woman replied: ‘Because I’m having a baby.’

When the boy had thought about this for a moment, he said: ‘Is the baby in your tummy?’

‘Yes,’ replied the woman. That seemed to puzzle the lad even more, so he ventured forth: ‘Is your baby a good one?’

‘Well yes, it surely is,’ replied the lady.

With a shocked look on his face, the boy queried: ‘Then why did you eat it?’

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:47 pm

Heteronyms

In linguistics, a heteronym (also known as a heterophone) is a word that is written identically but has a different pronunciation and meaning. In other words, they are homographs that are not homophones. Thus, row (propel with oars) and row (argument) are heteronyms, but mean (intend) and mean (average) are not (since they are pronounced the same). Heteronym pronunciation may vary in vowel realisation, in stress pattern or in other ways.

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture..
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. If we explore the paradoxes of English, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to asylums for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people and not computers. It reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

And then there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized one it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP and it’s time for me to shut UP. Now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

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