A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Wed Jul 19, 2017 6:46 am

aquarius123esoteric wrote:Heteronyms

In linguistics, a heteronym (also known as a heterophone) is a word that is written identically but has a different pronunciation and meaning. In other words, they are homographs that are not homophones. Thus, row (propel with oars) and row (argument) are heteronyms, but mean (intend) and mean (average) are not (since they are pronounced the same). Heteronym pronunciation may vary in vowel realisation, in stress pattern or in other ways.

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture..
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong for me to wind the sail.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger and neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. If we explore the paradoxes of English, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to asylums for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people and not computers. It reflects the creativity of the human race, which of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ’quick’?

And then there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word and that is ’UP.’ It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in a dictionary. In a desk-sized one it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP and it’s time for me to shut UP. Now it’s UP to you what you do with this.

Created by Anon.
Edited by Aquarius

* * *


Nice post ! And, I agree ... English is a funny language, though also quite beautiful when not contaminated too much. Did you know that English is classified as a Germanic language (and with good reason) ?
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Wed Jul 19, 2017 1:49 pm

painBody wrote:
aquarius123esoteric wrote:. . . English is a funny language, though also quite beautiful when not contaminated too much. Did you know that English is classified as a Germanic language (and with good reason) ?


English is a very beautiful language. I couldn't agree more and yes, I am aware that English is one of the Germanic languages for the simple reason that they all evolved from the same language tree of knowledge. I believe that Dutch is the connecting link between German and English. Many words in the English language to this day are practically the same - just spelt differently - as the German ones, for example house and Haus, mouse and Maus. In case this sets you wondering why I know such things, I am a native German speaker. I was born and bred in Germany and spent the first twenty-eight years of my life in that country. The pathway of my life took me to England in 1965.

With love - Aquarius
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:44 am

aquarius123esoteric wrote:
painBody wrote:
aquarius123esoteric wrote:. . . English is a funny language, though also quite beautiful when not contaminated too much. Did you know that English is classified as a Germanic language (and with good reason) ?


English is a very beautiful language. I couldn't agree more and yes, I am aware that English is one of the Germanic languages for the simple reason that they all evolved from the same language tree of knowledge. I believe that Dutch is the connecting link between German and English. Many words in the English language to this day are practically the same - just spelt differently - as the German ones, for example house and Haus, mouse and Maus. In case this sets you wondering why I know such things, I am a native German speaker. I was born and bred in Germany and spent the first twenty-eight years of my life in that country. The pathway of my life took me to England in 1965.

With love - Aquarius


Ah, du bist Deutscher ! Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. Die Deutsche Sprache ist Musik zu meinen Ohren. Learning German is probably #2 on my bucket list. Das ist nicht gut -> This is not good ... :) Yeah, I can see why English is a Germanic language :) I also love hearing the sound of other Germanic languages - Dutch, Afrikaans, Norwegian/Swedish, etc. But, German is boss ... music !

I visited Germany when I was 28 ... now, is that a crazy co-incidence or what ?! ... loved Munich, and the countryside between Berlin and Munich. I took an ICE train between those cities. The food in Berlin ... awesome.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sat Jul 22, 2017 1:53 pm

painBody wrote: Ah, du bist Deutscher ! Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. Die Deutsche Sprache ist Musik zu meinen Ohren. Learning German is probably #2 on my bucket list. Das ist nicht gut -> This is not good ... :) Yeah, I can see why English is a Germanic language :) I also love hearing the sound of other Germanic languages - Dutch, Afrikaans, Norwegian/Swedish, etc. But, German is boss ... music !

I visited Germany when I was 28 ... now, is that a crazy co-incidence or what ?! ... loved Munich, and the countryside between Berlin and Munich. I took an ICE train between those cities. The food in Berlin ... awesome.


I am a linguist and love all languages. To me they are wonderful tools the Universal Forces gave to us so that we should be able to communicate with each other. Eckhart Tolle or rather Ulrich Leonard Tölle was born in Lünen in North Rhine Westphalia, not far from where I come from – another town that begins with Lü.

Und ja, circa 58 Jahre lang war ich deutsche Staatsangehörige. That’s how long it took me to wrestle myself through to the decision of applying for British nationality. That’s a long story and I won’t bore you with the details. I have been to Bavaria but must admit that I have never been that keen on it. But Berlin is a wonderful city! My sister lived in Berlin Lichterfelde a long, long time ago. I visited her on several occasions and we always had a good time.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jul 25, 2017 2:14 pm

The Husband Store

To help women find the husband of their dreams, a store that sells new husbands recently opened in New York City. At the entrance are instructions of how the store operates:

You may visit this store only once. There are six floors and the value of the products increases as you ascend to them. You can choose any item from one of the floors or move to the next one. Going down is only allowed for exiting the building.

Whenever a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband, on the first floor she finds the following sign:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

Although intrigued, she continues to the second floor with this sign:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.

‘How nice!’ she thinks. ‘Ah, but I want more.’

So she continues to the third floor and finds this sign:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks. But still she feels compelled to keep going.

Up she goes to the fourth floor. Here the sign says:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children are very good looking and love helping with housework.

‘Oh, mercy me! It can hardly get better,’ she thinks to herself. Yet, she still wants to try the fifth floor where the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is very tempted to stay but can’t resist going to the sixth floor, where she finds this sign:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men here. It merely exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Store.

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Tue Jul 25, 2017 2:23 pm

:D
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jul 25, 2017 3:57 pm

painBody wrote::D


I like the motto of your signature. :-)
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Tue Jul 25, 2017 9:20 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:
painBody wrote::D


I like the motto of your signature. :-)


Thanks :) It's my variation of the well-known serenity prayer.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Tue Jul 25, 2017 9:52 pm

painBody wrote: Thanks :) It's my variation of the well-known serenity prayer.


Which in my collection goes as follows:

The Serenity Prayer

Great White Spirit, Father/Mother of all life,
Grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

There is also a less well known, but equally beautiful part:

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardships and pain as the road to healing and peace.
Knowing that our world is a sinful one,
But becoming ever more aware that everything
That happens in it serves a wise higher purpose.
That’s why I now take it the way it is
And not yet as I used to think it should be.
I rest safely in the knowledge that
Some day in the not too distant future it will be that way,
Because God in the end will make all things right
And that which is ugly in us and our world beautiful.
So I surrender my will to His/Her will and
Continue reasonably happy and content with my earthly existence.
On the inner level of life I have always been at one with my Creator.
This state will continue forever when I move into the world of light
For good and am then free to explore ever higher levels of life.

Reinhold Niebuhr 1894-1971
Second Part Edited by Aquarius

:-)
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:51 pm

Exam Papers

General Educational Development (GED) tests are a group of five subject tests which, when passed, certify that the test taker has American or Canadian high school-level academic skills. The following questions were set in last year’s examination. The following are some of the answers that were actually given by pupils from the age of sixteen years:

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised, for example the abdomen?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature of it?
A. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby aquarius123esoteric » Sun Sep 03, 2017 2:26 pm

Frozen Windows

One cold winter’s morning a wife at home texted her husband in the office: ‘Windows frozen, won’t open.’

The husband replied: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.’

Five minutes later the wife texted back: ‘Computer now really screwed up. What shall I do?’

* * *
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:17 pm

aquarius123esoteric wrote:Frozen Windows

One cold winter’s morning a wife at home texted her husband in the office: ‘Windows frozen, won’t open.’

The husband replied: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.’

Five minutes later the wife texted back: ‘Computer now really screwed up. What shall I do?’

* * *


The husband replied: 'Run down to the Apple store.'

The wife replied: 'What ?! How is that going to help ? I said our computer is screwed up !'
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby dijmart » Mon Sep 04, 2017 12:27 am

I believe that Dutch is the connecting link between German and English.


Hmm, my background (so I'm told) is German, dutch, English and the odd ball one...native american. Which PB guessed by my photo...lol. My last name was Keck, which I do believe is German. No point to this posts..just thought I'd jump in :lol:
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby painBody » Mon Sep 04, 2017 3:40 am

dijmart wrote:
I believe that Dutch is the connecting link between German and English.


Hmm, my background (so I'm told) is German, dutch, English and the odd ball one...native american. Which PB guessed by my photo...lol. My last name was Keck, which I do believe is German. No point to this posts..just thought I'd jump in :lol:


You're a mutt :P

When asked, I tell people I'm 51% Indian and the other 49% Indian.
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Re: A Chuckle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

Postby dijmart » Mon Sep 04, 2017 4:02 am

You're a mutt :P


Well, yes...yes I am. I've used that term myself.

When asked, I tell people I'm 51% Indian and the other 49% Indian.


Do you ever stump anyone with that? Lol
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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