living a malevolent tragedy;

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living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:40 am

I saw this video and its got my head spinning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpjsrQZByxo

I ended the year off with a cavity. It wasn't done right as in, it was off by a few mm which threw off my bite, and led to TMJ pain. It was adjusted but, it definitely caused anxiety. I was in pain over NYE which was upsetting but, I still decided to go out with friends even though, i did not enjoy myself. It got done early in the new year. Later on, my mouth was bugging me and I started freaking out about losing teeth or cavities. I have terrible acid reflux or GERD which is horrible for the enamel of the teeth. I kept seeing women with black or missing teeth. It kept causing more anxiety. After I realized it was nothing, it was a filling needing aligning, I laughed hysterically.

I drove past my dad and sister's cemetery recently and it fucked me up quite a bit. I have been spinning out of control with anxiety and panic attacks. One day, I felt like I was having a heart attack but, it was just intense anxiety. I thought about going to the hospital to get check and then, I just passed out. I felt better after I woke up. I feel a lot of guilt because I haven't been by the cemetery and I keep saying I will go by. Then, I don't and its upsetting me. So, I know I need to go by.

My jaw is hurting again. I don't know why. I called a dentist but, there was no answer as the office was closing. I am going to suffer through at work as I am in pain. I hate meds but, I took something for the pain and inflammation. Its just one damn thing after another. Suffering be it physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Its nonstop and its incessant without recourse or any give. I saw Linkin Park live. Its crazy for how someone can be rich, loved, and yet, Chester ended his life. I never could understand this but, I am beginning to given my own suffering.

Its not something I could ever do but, I definitely don't understand how people live in blissful ignorance. I don't understand the fake smiles in pics. I don't understand bringing children into this world with suffering and chaos around the corner at every turn. I tried to shake this and I went for a run. I felt pain in my knees. I tried to go more but, it started again so, I stopped. Today its jaw pain. Tomorrow is another monster. I can't win. It feels like a bad dream I can't wake up from.

I meditate. I pray. I exercise. This life has been a slow and agonizing burn nonstop at ever turn. Chaos never stops in my life or in those around me. I would gladly trade places with my dad and sister. I just wouldn't want them to leave because they know how to live. Its so dark and chaotic. At every turn. I am reading and writing. I am working on bettering myself but, there is no remorse to this pit of despair. I am either in pain mentally, physically or emotionally.

One buddy is becoming a monk. He seems to have it figured out but, I know too well that it is usually suffering that brings people to that way of life. I have buried so many people since I was young. Lost many friends far too young. Many of them were actually living.

I am trying to just make some sense to all this suffering that I experience. I know I am not alone. It just feels that way. I had a good weekend but, the despair and impending doom just seems to come around the corner. I am suppose to go on a date with a girl but, I am in no shape to be in the company of anybody. I don't wish for death but, when my time comes, I am ready.

I am doing my best but, no matter what, it all seems futile and I can't make sense of any of it. I always wanted to get married and have a wife and kids but, I would never wish this existence on anybody I love. How could I do that to anybody I dare say I love?
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby Mystic » Wed Aug 23, 2017 6:47 am

Jordan Peterson has some neat videos. :D

Dr. Ellie teaches a system that helps to reverse tooth decay and heal gum disease.

https://drellie.com/my-system/



.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby dijmart » Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:44 am

Sorry you're having a rough time! :(

As far as going or not going to the cemetery. Whats there to feel guilty about? They aren't there anyways, right?

Seems anxiety really has a grip on you right now. Perhaps some counseling would help?

Hang in there, this too shall pass.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:57 am

Mystic wrote:Jordan Peterson has some neat videos. :D

Dr. Ellie teaches a system that helps to reverse tooth decay and heal gum disease.

https://drellie.com/my-system/



.


Thanks for the message. I have been binge listening to his content. I am trying to make sense of this life. Its like a wave that just knocks me sideways and then, in an instant, I am back to normal before it happens again. I probably should go get some help. I would talk Peterson but, I am sure he has a busy practice. Eventually, I want to do his self authoring program. I think it would help me sort out some of my past, present, and better prepare for my future.

The frustrating part is that, i suffer at every turn, and no matter what it is that I do, i am bombarded by more. I know little bits of peace. Short spurts of happiness. I look around me and everyone seems to be living. I recently removed all social media access. I don't want to be in that realm anymore. Its one less thing to be attached to but, there was once a time I was happy. I was working on getting my life together. Things seemed to be going well and then, my life just shattered to bits. I went from being on top of the world to losing a series of family in one year. Then, more friends passed away and even some family. i worry about my dog because its getting older. I always try to spend some time, to pat her, and to give her some good food. Even if its just a tiny piece of something i made because i love my dog.

I am depressed right now. It comes at a bad time because I want to save up money. I need to work and I am not productive in this head space. Thanks for that link. I downloaded her page. The thing is, my teeth are clean but, due to severe anxiety and GERD, the accumulation of acid reflux trashes teeth. I bought some crest white strips but, they only help so much. I might eventually pay for my dentist to whiten but, I hear its terrible for the enamel. A buddy of mine killed himself about a year ago. I wish I could have been there for him. What I don't understand is that, he has his family, friends, and was loved. When everyone keeps dying around me and I am bombarded by chaos, it seems futile. When its futile, when there is no hope, that is when people give up.

I just keep praying and meditating. My friend told me that, praying is when you talk to god. Meditation is when God talks to you.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:04 am

dijmart wrote:Sorry you're having a rough time! :(

As far as going or not going to the cemetery. Whats there to feel guilty about? They aren't there anyways, right?

Seems anxiety really has a grip on you right now. Perhaps some counseling would help?

Hang in there, this too shall pass.


Probably. I just don't know where to begin. I don't want to be that weak person.

I know they aren't there. I mean, I feel the guilt because its like I forgot. Like, I don't care. I always kept thinking that, things would turn around or that, my life would somehow get better but, its always been hard. Even to try to find some meaning out of an existence plagued by suffering and so much loss. How is there to any meaning in loss and pain? If there was some small victories along the way, it would be less brutal and painful a existence but, its incessant torture. Not all in one swoop either but, gradual, long, and drawn out. Its never ending.

And then, I just come out of it. It passes. Then, I go back to living until I relapse. ATM, I am trying to soldier on. A trip to the dentist is going to be expensive but, not the end of the world. I am just thinking about age, time, getting older, and that, this is as good as it gets? :S
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby dijmart » Fri Aug 25, 2017 2:16 am

I'm not sure what to say to help you. If someone has a practical problem I try to give a practical solution, but I don't know if that will work. What I want to say, so I will, is...WAKE UP! You are completely identified with the dream right now. Try watching some Paul Hedderman on youtube. Seriously, try watching some of his videos. It takes watching a couple to get use to his style, but I think he's interesting.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:32 am

dijmart wrote:I'm not sure what to say to help you. If someone has a practical problem I try to give a practical solution, but I don't know if that will work. What I want to say, so I will, is...WAKE UP! You are completely identified with the dream right now. Try watching some Paul Hedderman on youtube. Seriously, try watching some of his videos. It takes watching a couple to get use to his style, but I think he's interesting.


I am trying to hold it together but, it is definitely seeping through. Random friends will message or text if I am ok. It was my sister's birthday and I almost broke down thinking about how I haven't even come by once this year. I was in public, I had to shake it off, and use the bathroom before I snapped. I just splashed my face with cold water.

It would be easy to say, a problem has a solution. A equation has an answer. There is none here though. I am in a living hell. I am going to pray because I am so close to loss of hope and all meaning. I am hoping for ecky like experience where the breach of ego happens at some point. I just don't know when or how. I am trying not to take my thoughts too seriously.

I went for a run the other night until I felt knee pain and some instability. I don't know how many miles I ran for. It was a lot. Then, I sat and waited for the pain to go away. I lost a lot of weight and got in good shape but, my health doesn't reflect it with GERD or needing dental work. I am likely blowing everything out of proportion but, its one more thing on top of the nightmare that is my existence.

I am trying to do something with this suffering. I just don't know what. I want to save up some money and go somewhere. I don't know where. When I get paid I want to buy that future authoring program. I need something to get me going. I just am at a loss. Tonight I will pray and meditate. I am hoping my jaw and knee pain go away.

I was looking around a room and the one thing I was certain about was that, we were all in varying levels and degrees of pain. Of course, the person closest to me was dealing with a divorce. The next closest was going through a audit. Owes the IRS money. Another has a failed business. The next was handling a breakup. I am just going into this feeling of suffering. I found a guided meditation on death that I am going to do tonight. The coolest part is coming back and realizing we all have a second chance afterward. I am trying my best.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Sun Aug 27, 2017 2:28 am

And like a wave in the ocean, it all just passes, and I am back again. I watched the movie Revolver recently. I was reminded that, the only enemy that ever exists is the ego. I can make it into workplace politics, LTRs or lack thereof, my own life situation, a trip to the dentist office whereby, I am white knuckling it there and in the chair, starting a new job or getting my picture taken in elementary school picture day. It has just been a terrible amount of anxiety, panic attacks, and much of it was unfounded yet, very real to me. I just took my thoughts far too seriously.

Here is the crazy part. All the anxiety, panic attacks, and stress began to manifest actual real life physical symptoms. I got knee pain and instability after a short run. I got the dental issue pop up randomly. It just added fuel to the fire. Then, I think about my next appointment and I get more anxiety which really sucks. Also, the panic attacks lead to ulcers, more GERD/acid reflux, and that is terrible for my teeth. The cycle is terrible.

I recently came across the Tibetan Book of the Dead which I am going to read. I keep getting stuck in a bardo. I am also thinking about Dimethyltryptamine and or going to Peru for a tea ceremony. Then again, it is just a thought. I do want to travel more. I met and got a girl's number a week or so ago (somehow, in this crazy brain fog and chaos). I got this vision too. My buddy asked me about her and I said we were getting out even before she ever text me which was pretty cool. I am really working on my RAS (reticular activation system), law of attraction, visualizing things before the future rather then anxiety and fear over what I don't want before getting more of just that. The physical ailments have opened my eyes. I want to make some changes. So, that is what is up right now. Furthermore, I am going to meditate and pray more because I was doing that daily and before bed. I got out of it and thats when this bad cycle happened.
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby dijmart » Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:52 am

And like a wave in the ocean, it all just passes, and I am back again


Nice, welcome back :)
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Sep 01, 2017 4:31 pm

dijmart wrote:
And like a wave in the ocean, it all just passes, and I am back again


Nice, welcome back :)


Thanks Dij
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Re: living a malevolent tragedy;

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Sep 01, 2017 4:41 pm

I am just coming out of this after the past four weeks. Something has come to my attention. I am becoming aware that, for most if not all of my life, I have viewed much of my existence as a threat. I have experienced a lot of death around me in my circle of friends or family beginning at a young age. It goes much deeper though. I was suppose to have a pretty life altering surgery as a kid. I never did. Despite my best efforts to keep my health in check, to eat health, and exercise, I battled a lot of things I should not because of my anxieties. I have looked at LTRs as a threat, when things get too serious or close. I have viewed marriage as a threat. Even some friendships at times because of a incident or an event. Something someone said or did that showed a lack in their loyalty and honesty. I feel this when I go into social gatherings or busy places like a bar or a concert. Crowded environments and I feel this subtlety of anxiousness.

I think it is real and I live according to that. I get caught up in my thoughts and make something bad even worse. A simple trip to the dentist or a cavity, I freak the fuck out like my teeth are falling out of my head. Then, I worry about the cost financially because of that. With acid reflux, I was worried about needing surgery because they told me about this procedure I might have to get one time. I did some research and met with some natural path doctors and Chinese medicine before opting out of this bad decision. I had knee pain the other day after a run. Then, I was feeling discomfort in my jaw being I am a grinder at night (even in my sleep, I am not at peace).

I am becoming aware and I am working at not taking my thoughts too seriously.
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