Relationships and feelings of need

Here you may share how the words Eckhart Tolle have affected your life.

Relationships and feelings of need

Postby girlpace » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:08 am

Morning all.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my story and can offer some words of advice. I am fairly new to eckhart tolle and found myself captivated by a new earth and it definitely awakening something in me. I suppose my question and problem is my relationship on some days. I have grown up believing that relationships and love should look and feel a certain way. And I'm in a relationship now that is incredible with someone who loves me, cares for me, supports me and I can rely on yet because it's not how I expected it to be I feel that my needs aren't getting met. I dont sometines believe it when he says he loves me. I want him to make more of an effort to show me we have a future together (even though we have moved on together!) That somehow I still deserve more. That I need to have the idyllic relationship where I am made to feel like the most special person in the world and there be no question of that. Is it possible that these feelings all come from my ego and within?
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Re: Relationships and feelings of need

Postby painBody » Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:11 am

Hi girlpace, and welcome to the forum.

Your question is a totally valid and important one.

Now, before you read my words, you need to know that these words are coming from someone who is the biggest failure when it comes to relationships. So, I'm really good at knowing what doesn't work. I have screwed up so many times, I ought to have authored a book titled "1001 relationship no-no's" by now.

The more you expect or demand that your partner do something for you, the less likely he/she will actually do it for you. That is because of the ego. The ego doesn't like to be pushed into a corner and be forced to do something for someone else. In other words, you cannot force someone to make a commitment, you cannot force someone to love you, you cannot force someone to do the dishes if he/she doesn't want to. And, the harder you try, the harder that person will resist you. When you force someone to do something, you are throwing their ego a challenge, and guess what happens - their ego says, "I''ll show you !", and puts up a fierce resistance. So, demanding that a partner do something for you, is a losing strategy.

What happens when you force a kid to do his homework ? He will try his hardest not to do it. Right ?

But, what if you put some food on a plate, leave it on the table where the other person can see it, and walk away calmly ? Then, the other person goes, "Hmm, let's see what's there." It's just human nature. Leave your idea/thought on the table, and walk away. See if your idea is picked up. If not, there's nothing you can do about it.

What your partner probably wants, more than anything else, is the space to be himself, whatever that means. Can you do that while still feeling loved/appreciated/fulfilled ? Maybe not. If not, you know you need to walk away.

If nothing else works, write down whatever you think your "needs" are, on a piece of paper. And, evaluate them honestly, to see if they are really needs or if they're just crap this world has filled your head with. That way, you can filter out a lot of unnecessary shit.

In my own past relationships, I was dumbfounded by the kinds of things that people considered "requirements" or "deal breakers" ... so many golden opportunities lost ... and all in the pursuit of a whole lot of nothing :)

So, every once in a while, check your definition of the word "need". I really do think that we humans tend to create totally unnecessary obstacles when it comes to relationships. I mean ... put a male white Siberian tiger in a cage with a female Bengal tiger. I don't think the male will complain that the female's skin color is different from his ... he will get straight down to business with the female ... that's what we can learn from the natural world ... we create unnecessary barriers to connection, through conceptualization.

And, remember that everything I've said is total bullshit.

---------------------------------

Last but not least, an anecdote that I think is relevant here ...

When I was around 13, I remember an aunt asking me what I required of my "dream girl". The very first thing I said was "She needs to speak English." (Although English is my first language, I grew up in a country where not everyone speaks English) My aunt said, "Are you sure ? What if she is the most adorable girl in the world and you feel totally attracted to her ?" I don't remember what answer I gave to that question, but if I were asked that question today, I'd say, "Then, language would no longer be a problem. I'd find a way."

If this anecdote didn't do anything for you, remember the tigers ;)
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Re: Relationships and feelings of need

Postby meetjoeblack » Fri Sep 29, 2017 3:35 am

girlpace wrote:Morning all.
I hope you don't mind me sharing my story and can offer some words of advice. I am fairly new to eckhart tolle and found myself captivated by a new earth and it definitely awakening something in me. I suppose my question and problem is my relationship on some days. I have grown up believing that relationships and love should look and feel a certain way. And I'm in a relationship now that is incredible with someone who loves me, cares for me, supports me and I can rely on yet because it's not how I expected it to be I feel that my needs aren't getting met. I dont sometines believe it when he says he loves me. I want him to make more of an effort to show me we have a future together (even though we have moved on together!) That somehow I still deserve more. That I need to have the idyllic relationship where I am made to feel like the most special person in the world and there be no question of that. Is it possible that these feelings all come from my ego and within?


It is one of the banes of my existence while dating, seeing someone or in a LTR. The constant need to "show your love." Ugh it is frustrating. A girl most recently tried to invite herself over and I turned her away. For starters, she was in a bad place so, my having sex would be coming from her place of low which is unacceptable to me. Its not what I wanted and since, it has been different as one would expect. If your needing of him to show you love or care could be something you meditate on. Your neediness for something rather then a place of wholeness.

Hollywood use to piss me off as do the cheesy romance chick flicks. Two ridiculously good looking people somehow stumble upon one another in a cute manner, have a petty boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy marries girl.

brb, puking!

Brb, still vomiting!

TV, mainstream media, society, movies, tv, etc. setup these false notions of "love." It is essentially genuine suffering, pretentiousness, and human misery. Unhappy and in emotional pain or some terrible state while single or actively pursuing someone rather than, actually just breathing into the moment, the feeling, let it parallel one another, and sit in the presence that is 'here and now!'

If he lacks presence, the awareness, and this chosen path you both are collectively on; if he is switched off, and not actively working on this, move on. I caution you. Likely, you will find yourself cycling this process over and over again. I catch it in myself. When I am single. I want someone. When I have someone, I want my single bachelor lifestyle, and even after sexual intercourse, I am looking for the door. Not because I don't want to be with that someone but, that, I crave my freedom. I want my own bed. The nicest feeling in the world is my head on my own pillow and the only thing that can beat is flipping it over to the other cooler side. Usually, my wanting my own bed and pillow turns into being called an asshole or a jerk. It really sours the entire experience.

Have you tried, "I feel your love when _________________ (insert point here)???

A girl recently has been pushy about hanging out. I know it would lead to sexy time if pushed hard enough so, I refrain because our maps do not align. I am searching for something and its something of unexplored territory but, I need to go before static and dead. I crave new information, the unknown, and then something. Unfortunately, I am in a time where everyone wants babies, marriage, and white picket fence. Why are these things so challenging?

Good luck. Probably not the best advice but, communication, try meditation groups together like meetdotcom, yoga classes, tantra, etc.
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