What is very unclear, is how "big" is this ego, for example while I write this sentences above to you. I guess you understand in what direction I mean, how "true" is my own "intention", in what % is it "made up" by thinking. I dont' know any better, or do I. Could "me" be already more pure than the ego would like me to discover yet ... aargh ... that is very confusing sometimes, when I observe this thinking processes that keep launching themselves
How "big" is ego? It's a good question because ego, over the course of your life, has steadily developed and come to dominate your life in countless ways, to the point that it is almost constantly sticking its nose into every facet of your daily experience. It seems to talk incessantly with an internal dialogue that can, at times, seem to drive you to the brink of insanity. Its "footprint" is the manner in which it keeps you separate from everything else through the use of labels, comparison and judgment, especially self-judgment. It is the demarcation line between you and everyone and everything else. In other words, there is the "me" here, and over there is you/other/it.
However, there is a better question worth investigating because it will reveal what is most important, the reality of your existence in a direct and visceral way, and it is this: Is ego actually
real? Is it possible that it's only imagined? In other words, who/what am I
really? Confronting this question directly by looking honestly and courageously will reveal what is true and what is only imagined to be true. This process is called "self-inquiry", and it is the primary teaching of perhaps the wisest sage of the 20th century, Ramana Maharshi.
Take some time to look for ego. I suggest sitting down with eyes closed and ponder this question, where is ego? You will notice that there are lots of thoughts/ideas
about ego, but where is it actually? Outside of thoughts and ideas about "me" where is this thing called ego? Can the
reality of what you are be a thought/idea, ideas and thoughts that come and go and change constantly in how they define you? Or must you be something that doesn't come and go, that is always present?
There are times when thoughts subside, and when that happens where is this "me" that I take myself to be? Doesn't that me/ego vanish without the support structure of thinking to keep it in place? And yet, when that thinking is
absent isn't there the sense of simply
existing present, the sense of "am-ness"? That sense of "am-ness" or being-ness is powered by consciousness/awareness; more accurately, it IS consciousness/awareness. That is what you are.
Once you discover that ego is a
mental phenomenon only and that you are the consciousness that it arises in the impact of egoic tendencies begin to lose their power over your daily existence. Self-inquiry is like pulling the rug out from beneath the feet of the ego by revealing its insubstantiality. It is the discovery of the illusory nature of ego and the true nature of what you actually are, consciousness/awareness. However, be prepared to see how ego will fight for itself, to fight for its very existence out of fear for what will happen to it once its nature is discovered.
It must have been years that I had a day with silence in my appartment. I'm noticing silence becomes much more attractive automatically. Other little things, but combined, they truly affect the whole basis of how I begin to look at things.
That's good. Silence is attracted to itself. The inner silence of what you are is being reflected in the outer silence of your environment. You will also notice that the silence of what you are is attracted to the natural environment of your surroundings. Taking a leisurely stroll outside and simply observing what is around you without judgment or labeling becomes a very pleasurable experience.
So, I was listening to a part of Stillness Speaks, as you suggested, as the silence I speak of is at a very beginning stage of avoiding too loud music and or tv and such things I do not longer seem to 'need' - anyway - somehow, someway it brought me to crying, shivering, shaking, I felt sad and at the same time this immense joy, it was again a very strong confirmation of how directly en purely his 'energy' comes to us by his words...
Yes, I agree. As you listen to his words, and I suggest doing this while sitting with eyes closed, don't strain to understand the words. Instead, let them flow into you; then, pay attention to see what happens. Notice the pauses he interjects and notice the effect on thought-stream. As you do this with some regularity you will find thoughts begin to naturally and effortlessly drop away, and what remains is this clear, alert, silent stillness of what you are, consciousness itself, your true nature.
The ego is not only scared, also there is a part of it that is really encouraging for some strategic 'reason' perhaps (I won't look in to it further if it does not 'come' to me),
Very good insight. What you discover directly for yourself is what's most valuable. Ultimately, you are your own teacher.
and not battle. Even the word batlle clashes with our true nature, but indeed, there we are (I'm speaking for myself of course), constantly batteling ourselves...
Yes, your true nature battles nothing; it is totally open and welcoming to every experience. Only ego wages a battle.
I feel 'light' in this strange way, also after these intense "crazy" days, and I'm actually gaining some 'confidence' now, that 'this' won't be gone tomorrow and how I deserve this peaceful sleep.
I love hearing from people who are new to this as these discoveries begin to unfold. And as mentioned before, "this" will never vanish because it is
you. It can only be overlooked once we slip back into our ingrained thinking habits that have formed over time. When you realize you have slipped back into thought then you will know why "it" seems to have vanished. But it hasn't really, it's just a matter of returning attention to the here and now, to be present with what is rather than being absorbed in thoughts about what's going on around or within you.
...it has helped me enourmously to NOT get engaged with shame while the mind has it's chance to show me the usefulness of all this "reflection" or not.
Shame is one of those egoic devises that keeps you locked into conditioned thinking; it's a kind of egoic strategy to remain active, alive and dominant in your life.
It is clear, when I would evolve in my awakening I would not seed so many words to it anymore, not try to describe it or even maybe "justify" it, damn I did it again, it might be too harsh for myself.
Ha! I know what you mean.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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, but this is from another 'dimension'.
. Week ago I was almost like "hopelessly" insane, at a mental bottom in my life ... ???? !! 
Djeezes, I already just said that. Now it is here twice. Oh no ! lol