Single

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Tulip54
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 1:31 am

Single

Post by Tulip54 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:00 am

Hello everyone.
I would like to ask a question to all you clever spiritual people out there.
After watching a YouTube video about a 35 year old women being single and without children I thought it was a good video. I then read the comments and the women got trashed for being single. Not just from a few but from 98 percent of the comments.
I appreciate we should look beyond form and the need to be with a partner but at the same time biologically it's harder for women to have children past the age of 35. How can there be no time and yet us women do run out of 'time
We live in a society where being single and in your 30s is really frowned upon.
I don't want to run out of time. I have been listening to spiritual teachers for a few years and am still feeling lost in this world.
I try to surrender to what is but it seems everywhere I turn there are constant reminders and I fear I cannot except being single and childless forever.
I hope anyone in the same situation as me understands what I am trying to say and has some comforting words.
Much love and thanks in advance

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turiya
Posts: 121
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2016 11:14 pm
Location: CA

Re: Single

Post by turiya » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:35 am

Hi, Tulip54

Here is an Eckhart video clip that might interest you:

https://www.eckharttollenow.com/s/2dq6rv

:wink:
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

Tulip54
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 1:31 am

Re: Single

Post by Tulip54 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 4:04 pm

Thank you :D

tomtom1
Posts: 77
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Single

Post by tomtom1 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:32 pm

Hi Tulip!
I am in my 30’s and single (a guy though) and I know lots of people of both sexes in their 30’s who are still single. It’s really not that uncommon these days (although I do sympathise with your views).

1st thing I find useful is to ask myself; why do I want a partner and kids? Is this to fill a gap in your life? Is it so you can finally feel complete? Because guess what!? You’re already complete.... and if you don’t believe that now, then having a partner and kids isn’t going to persuade you of it either (although it may distract you for a while).

Secondly - do you really have any control over when or whether you meet the right person who will be your life partner and even then if you produce children? That is up to the universe/life/God (whatever you want to call it). All you can do is be open to life and to meeting people, put yourself in positions where you may meet someone. Beyond that the rest is up to life. And I’m sure Mr (or Mrs) Right will turn up just at the right time. Put your mind at rest and just trust... you have done all you can. :D

Although it may appear that your ‘lost in this life’, you really aren’t at all. In fact you are very lucky because you have woken up to the fact that there may be something else to life (most people don’t).

In regards to surrendering, things can get a bit tricky :lol:
I think most spiritual teachers put the cart before the horse in this respect. They say well the solution is to surrender and then everything will be ok. But they don’t realise that the reason they are surrendered is because they already know who they are and are totally secure in that knowledge. So surrender is almost like a side affect of that knowledge. This leaves all their devotees desperately trying to surrender. But of course the whole idea of trying and working at surrender is the opposite of what surrender is!

Why don’t you try and surrender the surrender! Surrender the fact that you can’t surrender. Accept the fact that you can’t surrender the idea of wanting a family. You may find this takes things up a level (or maybe not). Be kind and gentle to yourself. Practice relaxation and meditation. Learn to love yourself. Cultivate a peaceful mind. The rest will come :)

Sorry that ended up being a lot longer than expected!!

P.s. Find a spiritual teaching you can trust. Most of it is just like the blind leading the blind!

Tulip54
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 1:31 am

Re: Single

Post by Tulip54 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:58 pm

Thank you Tomtom1. I have only just read your response and it has come at a much needed time. You are very sweet to reply. I was meditating but lost my way over the last few months. I do believe this will help.
You are right in what you say. I am looking for a relationship and children one because I feel that's what I should have by now and two because on one level I feel once this is achieved I will be happier.
As we know this will not make me happier. There will always be some thing else. The things of sadness and depression come and go and as Mooji says you are not the coming and going of emotions but the one who observes the coming and going.
It's always comforting to communicate with like minded people.
Would love to be free of my mind sometimes as it can be a nasty, angre and jealous enterty that drives me up the wall lol.
I also feel love and compassion so it's not all bad.
I have had glimpses of what life could be but that was a long time ago and it seems the more time has past the more I beat myself up about it
Thank you again you are very kind.

tomtom1
Posts: 77
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 11:05 am

Re: Single

Post by tomtom1 » Sun Mar 04, 2018 5:57 pm

Tulip54 wrote:
Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:58 pm
Thank you Tomtom1. I have only just read your response and it has come at a much needed time. You are very sweet to reply. I was meditating but lost my way over the last few months. I do believe this will help.
You are right in what you say. I am looking for a relationship and children one because I feel that's what I should have by now and two because on one level I feel once this is achieved I will be happier.
As we know this will not make me happier. There will always be some thing else. The things of sadness and depression come and go and as Mooji says you are not the coming and going of emotions but the one who observes the coming and going.
It's always comforting to communicate with like minded people.
Would love to be free of my mind sometimes as it can be a nasty, angre and jealous enterty that drives me up the wall lol.
I also feel love and compassion so it's not all bad.
I have had glimpses of what life could be but that was a long time ago and it seems the more time has past the more I beat myself up about it
Thank you again you are very kind.
Hi Tulip! Sorry I only just saw this reply. Haven’t been here in a while due to busy times!
I know how you feel. The whole relationship thing is really seductive. I been through all the same emotions many times!
When you say you would love to be free of your mind :) really you can know that you are already free of your mind. No matter what its doing. In fact if your convinced of this enough, it doesn’t really matter what your mind does if your not identified with it. You know your mind so you cannot be your mind.

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jukai
Posts: 68
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Re: Single

Post by jukai » Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:15 am

I'm a man in the same age group and I get what you're saying.

I understand that you may feel a pressure from the standpoint of biology and from society - to be in a relationship and have children "by now". I understand that everywhere you look, you may see others in your age group that have it and feel that you're missing out.

However, after a bit of experience with relationships, I think I finally realized that all those ideals of what I wanted out of a relationship were all just fantasies in my head. The actual experience of relationships never matched the fantasies. I've also heard of and seen countless examples of people who are miserable in marriages and would do anything to break free. Today, I'm honestly considering that I'm better off staying alone (single) than butting my head against a brick wall. I just wanna "get on with it" and if someday, I spontaneously meet someone, that might have a better chance of working out because the circumstances that brought it about were not forced or contrived.

I think the point I'm trying to convey to you is - how a relationship manifests is often quite different from the fantasy that created it. Honestly ask yourself if you really want to have a partner and children, and contemplate what that actually involves, good and bad. Not if others think you should have those things but if you really want them. Examine how you're going about trying to get those things. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you whether you're single or not, a mother or not. You're the best judge of yourself.

Alternatively, chase after what you want (the fantasy) and accept that what you get has a very small chance of being what you wanted.

NuanceOfSuchness
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2018 12:35 pm

Re: Single

Post by NuanceOfSuchness » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:04 pm

jukai wrote:
Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:15 am
I'm a man in the same age group and I get what you're saying.

I understand that you may feel a pressure from the standpoint of biology and from society - to be in a relationship and have children "by now". I understand that everywhere you look, you may see others in your age group that have it and feel that you're missing out.

However, after a bit of experience with relationships, I think I finally realized that all those ideals of what I wanted out of a relationship were all just fantasies in my head. The actual experience of relationships never matched the fantasies. I've also heard of and seen countless examples of people who are miserable in marriages and would do anything to break free. Today, I'm honestly considering that I'm better off staying alone (single) than butting my head against a brick wall. I just wanna "get on with it" and if someday, I spontaneously meet someone, that might have a better chance of working out because the circumstances that brought it about were not forced or contrived.

I think the point I'm trying to convey to you is - how a relationship manifests is often quite different from the fantasy that created it. Honestly ask yourself if you really want to have a partner and children, and contemplate what that actually involves, good and bad. Not if others think you should have those things but if you really want them. Examine how you're going about trying to get those things. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you whether you're single or not, a mother or not. You're the best judge of yourself.

Alternatively, chase after what you want (the fantasy) and accept that what you get has a very small chance of being what you wanted.
That's beautiful! The conditioning of the populous contrasted against the truth of the individual.

Tulip54
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 1:31 am

Re: Single

Post by Tulip54 » Wed May 02, 2018 8:24 pm

Thank you so much to everyone that responded to my post. It is so lovely to read your comforting words. I just want you to know what it means to me. :D

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jukai
Posts: 68
Joined: Wed Jan 17, 2018 2:23 am

Re: Single

Post by jukai » Thu May 03, 2018 1:22 am

Tulip54 wrote:
Wed May 02, 2018 8:24 pm
Thank you so much to everyone that responded to my post. It is so lovely to read your comforting words. I just want you to know what it means to me. :D
Hi Tulip,

I noticed that your original post was about 6 months ago. Just curious - has your situation / love life changed at all since then ? How are you dealing with being single now, if you're still single ?

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