I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

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I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by addman16 » Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:09 pm

I don't like the concept of surrendering to what is, to me surrender means to give up and resign yourself to the pain of your life situation. Currently I am very unhappy with my life. I am single and feel lonley, I don't have any friends and I am fat and out of shape. I deal with depression and social anxiety. I make plans to try and remedy my life situation which gives me hope that things could get better.

Yet to surrender means to me to become trapped with no way out, doomed to suffer till "death". I want out and that means I have to fight my way out. I don't want peace at the cost of not getting a better happier life.

To surrender means accepting the loneliness and unhappiness.

I don't understand how one can surrender to something that is painful and invite the pain and observe it and make peace with it. Just like if you get sick and your immune system decided to make peace, instead of fighting the virus.

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by kiki » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:39 pm

Welcome to the forum, addman16.

Change what you can (which is what you want to do). There's certainly nothing wrong with that. Situations that arise that are impossible to change one must accept, otherwise you will suffer. Suffering is in the mind only, so acceptance is a way around suffering.

Loneliness is, believe it or not, a choice one makes. Right now it seems you have this idea that you must have someone else in your life to be happy. Is that really true or is that something you have come to believe is true? Being single doesn't necessarily lead to loneliness, and in fact can be quite advantageous - it can allow you to be single minded in pursuit of activities that promote personal growth and expansion of consciousness. As far as personal friends go most people are lucky to have one or two actual close ones with the remaining people being friendly acquaintances.

It so happens that I have been single my entire life (and I am about to turn 69 in a few months) and my list of personal friends is fewer than the number of fingers on one hand. However, I am friendly with everyone I meet and strive to be on good terms with everyone I encounter. My advice is to make others feel accepted and cared for, but do this without any agenda or expectation in return. At the very least you will make someone else's day a little brighter, and if your own life becomes a little less painful when you do that then that's an added bonus. Even if it is to greet others with a smile and/or a little compliment or friendly chat that can lead to wonderful surprises. But again, be selfless rather than looking for or expecting something in return. So if nothing comes of it then accept that fact. So, see this as an opportunity for you to be creative in how to put others' welfare above your own.

Overweight? Do something about it. Eating healthy and getting fit will do wonders for one's personal attitude and how they view life in general. As you get healthier, fitter and stronger you will gain confidence and your self-image will improve, and that will motivate you to keep it going.

Establishing a regular meditation routine can undermine the habit of viewing one's life and situation from a mental perspective. It's the mental viewpoint that creates the suffering you seem to be experiencing. In time you will see things as they are and not as how you believe them to be, and with that comes peace.

Spend more time outdoors if you can even if it's just to walk around the block. Simply being in natural surroundings with regularity is healthier than remaining indoors for extended periods of time. And if you can find an outdoor activity to do then go for it, whether it's riding a bike, skating or whatever. Learn to be observant in nature by putting attention on what's 'out there' rather than dwelling on what mind is doing. Simply 'see' things out there just as they are, without judgment or attaching labels/names to anything. This is good practice that can also be applied to your 'inner life' as well. Judgment of others and especially of oneself is a sure fire way of becoming lost in thinking again.

Your 'job', then, is to overcome the inertia of what you've become accustomed to doing and the way you've been thinking. So the bottom line is this: Do what you can to change what you want to change, and accept those things and situations that cannot be changed. And if nothing changes after all of that then accept that as well.

Once again, welcome to the forum.

"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by Webwanderer » Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:55 am

addman16 wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 6:09 pm
To surrender means accepting the loneliness and unhappiness.
Welcome to the forum addman16.

I would suggest that surrender in a spiritual context does not mean accepting the loneliness and unhappiness and just live with it. There is an entirely different context that is meant to help us get beyond these painful conditions. Surrender, in a more awakened understanding, means accepting the conditions of our life so as to work through them without resistance. It's the resistance to our circumstances that causes us most of our pain.

Once we are free of resistance by surrendering to our conditions existence, then more of our attention is free to be placed on how we want things to be. We have to get out of no, no, no context thinking, and get into yes, yes, yes, here is my goal. One looks at what we don't want, and thereby keeping our attention on it and energy flowing into it, and the other sets our attention on how we want things to be and thereby refocusing energy into more preferable conditions.

Energy is creative. At our fundamental core, we are intelligent energy. We create in an ongoing basis whether consciously with intent, or unconsciously by our programming.

Surrender is simply designed to break the focus of our attention away from the energetic focus of resistance - the no, no, no. The more you see what you don't want, the more you give it life. So surrender to what is to break the resistance mindset, and begin to live in an energy focus of what you want life to be.


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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by turiya » Mon Jan 20, 2020 9:03 pm

A good quote from Practicing the Power of Now:

“It is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that is the main determinant of what kind of future you will experience, so to surrender is the most important thing you can do to bring about positive change. Any action you take is secondary. No truly positive action can arise out of an unsurrendered state of consciousness. To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action. Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life. The only place where you can experience the flow of life is the Now, so to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation.”

“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by randomguy » Mon Jan 27, 2020 7:53 pm

I don't understand how one can surrender to something that is painful and invite the pain and observe it and make peace with it. Just like if you get sick and your immune system decided to make peace, instead of fighting the virus.
Because one's depth is infinite. How do you know how much pain you can let in until you allow it? How do you see what it reveals unless feeling it all the way through?

Reality knocks us back down to into depression because there is something to see there. Something more true than the story of fighting pain for hope of a future and something more true than the convenient popular ideas of who one is. You are not actually separate from the totality and your true nature can gulp the pain as easily as viewing the stars in the sky.

Also, the best book on weight loss every written, "The Obesity Code" by Dr. Fung. Trust me on that one.
It also may be worthwhile to research magnesium deficiency.

I hope it's clear those of reading your post really care about you.
Cheers and best wishes.
Do the yellow-rose petals
tremble and fall
at the rapid's roar?
- Basho

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by gosp » Tue Jan 28, 2020 1:47 am

Hello addman16,

Let's imagine, you are in water, drawn offshore by the current. Would you try to face it directly and swim toward the beach by fighting as much as you can?
Or would you instead look around and swim parallel to the current to reach the beach on the sides to avoid it.

Into my mind, when Eckart Tolle talk about surrender to the now, to what is, I understand the following: stop for a moment, look the situation with a clear mind
and then take the better action you can make.

Before "fighting", don't you want to know the rules of the game you are actually playing?
Here, the rules being life situations, what happend, what is right now.

I am only 27, but I've been fighting since I have around 12 against my life conditions. Why I have no friend, why am I smaller than others,
Why I have no girlfriend, Why is it so hard for me connect with people, ... I considered all of this as not normal.
Which made me push a pressure everyday on myself. Reapeating again and again that I have to do something, that life is hard, that it is unfair to me.
And know what, that pressure, that fight against myself caused actually the reverse on me. The more I wanted to get out of it, the more
I was getting frustrated, felt like garbage, drawn in depression and my self-esteem diminished.
I was getting ashmed by all thoses years of doing nothing, that nothing changed but were getting worse, I felt fear more and more.

I read Eckart Tolle books one year ago and I decided to finaly try to surrender to what is. Which means recognize where I am now and stop
think my happiness depends on things I may have in the future.
If I am that sad, isn't it normal after all thoses years I spent criticize myself?
So I decided to take it as a signal, which tells me how I feel now, if I feel sad there must be some reasons.
And fighting sadness or depression is fighting the consequences, not the causes.
Since I started accepting my life situation (more like recognize it without judging it is bad or good) I started to feel really better.
My life conditions did not really changed, I have still no friend and no girlfriend but I live it differently.
It does not means I don't plan to get some. But I feel really closer than ever to get out of my confort zone and do what I want (but fear).

So in end, accepting, surrendering, to me is more like a conscious pause in your life and a chance to see things as they are and start dealing and playing
with them. The bauty in that process, is, it seems like when you do, you always find a way to feel happier.

This is just my own experience, it doesn't mean it apply to anyone else, but if in case it helps, so I'm happy to share it.

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by LoveRei » Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:12 am

Here is my version of a quote from Eckhart which helped me with this question:

"Surrendering fully does not mean you have to accept what is inherently bad."

Eckhart was talking to a cancer patient in a lot of pain. Pain, violence, hurt is bad. We dont have to accept it as good, because it isnt good.
However it is posible to surrender ones resistance to the pain that is there in us right now, and thus liberate ourselves from the resistance to that pain.

If that makes sense.
I've heard a few variations on this idea such as

"accept the pain is there (in the now), but don't accept the disease"
"Make space for the hurting emotion, release the resistance to it, and it will eventually dissolve"

Or simply
"Go easy on yourself"
"stop beating yourself up over it"

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Re: I refuse to surrender to what is. Isn't it giving up?

Post by Sighclone » Tue Feb 25, 2020 8:42 pm

Actually this is a comment on the comments. How caring and helpful! I joined this forum 12 years ago with some big needs and deep curiosity...got immediate help. Reading these fine comments reminds me that the same support is still available to new members who are suffering...how completely beautiful! I hope addman16 is helped...I know that I would be. The forum remains a powerful resource!

addman16 - there is little I have to add, except to say that true surrender means actually surrendering the entity that suffers...after you have done that, see what remains.

A person is not a thing or a process, but an opening through which the universe manifests. - Martin Heidegger
There is not past, no future; everything flows in an eternal present. - James Joyce
The present holds the complete sum of existence - Whitehead

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