Ultimate Destruction

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Ultimate Destruction

Post by LostSoul36 » Sun May 20, 2018 8:18 am


If I can only tell you guys how happy I am to come across this forum :D

In a nutshell as I desperately need help / assistance:

Read all books of Eckhart Tolle. Felt the shift take place. And at the time I'm talking, a good 5 years ago I was working in the military. Already for 12 years. After reading something did happen to me. And that's what I'm trying to figure out today of it was just an illusion or my mind playing games that lead me then down a path of ultimate destruction.

Things started to happen around me at work, personal life that pushed me to like want to leave. And I did just that. I resigned packed everything up called it a day and left.

But unfortunately for me I ended up back innmy hometown, back at my parents place and believe you me this is the 1 place I've been running from since a kid.
Life became extremely difficult none the less I pushed through. And the weirdest thing happens with me is,people project alot around me. Also judge me without me even having to do or say anything. Always assuming the worse. And this mind you is just from me sitting and looking and listening to them. Yet everything they are or are guilty of doing / behaving they accused me of.

I would be accused of the most stupidest and menial of things. Anyways after 6months I had left again. But now I move out live on my own again and then trouble comes my way again. Stupid me, waited for whats meant to happen to happen for me not realising that I need to find a job or do something with myself. I eventually went into what I've always enjoyed and had a keen interest in and decided to pursue Events Management. At this time I had chosen to walk away from a toxic, negative, narcissistic family. But however had come to see me by force. Of which thereafter led to arguments as per usual. Beratings, name calling,literally being cursed at.

Little did I no, my little moment of joy would only last a year as I started to run out of money and felt more of a need to actually relocate move out of my country and had contacted a relative if they would assist me with accommodation till I found a suitable job . Thereafter once again packed up and found myself at my sister's place waiting upon departure. The same.place I was at a year ago when I had left my toxic family. And what pushed me to leave my sisters place was the constant drama and abuse I had to witness everyday. That noe being back here I had to witness again. And it felt like dejavu for me. That eventually led to a criminal case being opened up and the child being removed out of the house taken into a shelter. But by this time I felt guilty for doing this to my sister and her family. Yet at that moment I felt as if I foing the right thing for the child. I got on a flite and left. Assuming life will change for me. Got to the other place things went a bit sour downhill as my relatives were contacted and told of what I had done and was manipulated into believing I chose to run and hide at their place. I ended up returning to my home country nowhere to go no one to even welcome me back. I slept on a friends sofa for the night and then on a matress on a floor for a couple of nights whilst decidong what now where to from here. These friends however were tarot readers. Involved in occult practices and frlt the need to advise me to go back to my family and confront them about all their wrongs. And I did jist that. It became chaos. Then flew back to friends but got told I cant live with them anymore and needed to leave as their time with me is over and to my unfortunate luck back at home. I ended up selling all my belongings furniture etc. Was given a very small amount in return but never worried about it as I believed lofe would evolve it would change for me. A new path would open up for me.

With that thought, 18months later if anything I feel stuck stagnant and cant understand where I went wrong. I'm stuck in the very place I never wanted to be at. Getting used and abused everyday. Sacrificing myself for the benefit of others yes the role of the martyr. Tried getting into jobs just to get out of here again to save myself my already dying soul find me again. Every job I enter into turns out disastrous as if im reliving the abuse I endure with my narcissistic mother. And I try hard to stick it out to just ignore and push past it but I end up in a situation where I need to leave the job. And once again stuck in a house putting up with a bunch of narcissists.

I feel lost. I have no where to go nothing to do. And am constantly reminded of the life I had and threw away. That I made the worse and wrong decisions. And look at me now. Relationships dont last cos I'm put of easy with shallow surface situations that lacks depth.
People judge me constantly. Berate me and most of the time abuse my kindness. I get used alot. Lied to and most of all taunted.

Is any of this normal is this even supposed to be happening?
Can anyone help shed some light into this darkness I feel I'm being consumed by.

Any help advise would be appreciated.

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Re: Ultimate Destruction

Post by Webwanderer » Mon May 21, 2018 6:48 am

I would suggest an in-depth study of Law of Attraction. While I hear your story, there's no way to get at the other player's input. Because it seems to be recurring where ever you go, it's most likely being attracted to you by the content of your own energy. You've heard the well worn truism - you create your own reality. Law of Attraction is its primary mechanism.


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Re: Ultimate Destruction

Post by ThatAwareness » Sun Jun 17, 2018 4:06 pm

Who is it that gets hurt? Who is it that has these bad things happen? Sounds like living through the lens a false self. Try listening to your thoughts, can that really be 'you'?

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