Anxiety after being englightened for years

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Matija96reventon
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Anxiety after being englightened for years

Post by Matija96reventon » Thu Mar 04, 2021 9:02 pm

Hello everyone, I decided to register and ask for your opinion because I haven't found situation similar to mine.

I have read Eckhart's book "The Power of Now" about three years ago and since then I started practicing meditation and implementing ideas that were brought in the book. Even while I was reading the book I started to feel more awakened and happier, and by the time I finished the book I felt completely present and 100% happy with my life.

In my englightened time, I had just one anxiety period of three days when I tried marijuana and when it started to cause negative thoughts that never happened before to me I started to neglect them and that caused even more thoughts and I eventualy felt completely lost and scared for my life. That caused shock on me and left me feeling different and scared for the next few days. At that time it was summer and I was on vacation with my friends. So being with them all the time and hanging out with other people, I forgot about this trauma after three days and I was back to being present, enjoying life and feeling same as I was before.

Then, about six months after that, when while I was studying for my college final exams, my mind started to take over and I felt panic and worried about my test tomorrow. I overforced my brain while studying and couldn't stop thoughts from rising up all the time. Then, thought that I might go back to feeling like six months before came. I strongly fought that thought because I didn't want to experience that again, so after that I went to sleep and expected that feeling to go away in the morning. When I woke up in the morning that feeling and thoughts just continued and even got worse, so in my head I was back in my days from when I felt anxiety. I felt like I was in danger and scared all the time. Since then the feeling has loosen up a bit and is not constant like it used to be, but I still feel anxiety almost all the time and can't stop thinking that I don't feel like before, that I don't feel present or englightened.

During this period I have read Eckhart's books again and I'm constantly trying to implement methods from his books and videos, but I feel like I'm addicted to trying to do everything like he said or trying to feel happy as before. I think the problem is that I'm analyzing my thinking and thinking about every thought, and by doing that I'm identifying with someone who is trying to be enlightened.

I tried many methods during the last couple of months and been a few times to psychologist but none of that solved my issue, so If any of you had similar experience or have some words of advice on how to overcome this, it would mean a lot to me.

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kiki
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Re: Anxiety after being englightened for years

Post by kiki » Fri Mar 05, 2021 2:57 am

I overforced my brain while studying and couldn't stop thoughts from rising up all the time.


Any effort to stop thoughts will keep you trapped in thoughts/mind. Why? Because the one who would set such a goal, the ego, is part of the obstruction that keeps thoughts going. That ego entity is a creation of mind, and mind is nothing but the flow of thoughts. So, thought trying to get rid of itself is the problem. I compare it to standing on a board and trying to lift yourself off the ground, it simply doesn't work. What you are is prior to mind and all of the stories it creates that gives the illusion of a separate entity, the 'me' that you identify with. What you are is what thought/mind arises within, the witnessing consciousness.

So, shift away from setting a goal of eliminating thought and into an investigation into your true nature, that which sees thoughts. Use self-enquiry to find out who/what you really are by asking yourself "Who/what am I really?" and then looking honestly for that. Who you believe yourself to be is the issue. You may think you are consciousness, but that isn't enough because that is just another thought. One must learn to recognize/realize directly for yourself that, in fact, you ARE consciousness.

Your self-enquiry into true nature will begin with 'stories of me', but the problem with stories is that they are sadly lacking in permanency. Stories about 'me' constantly change over time, so which of them is the actual 'you' that you believe yourself to be? Can you find the 'me' by pinning down the correct story? Can you even be a story? Keep in mind, stories are nothing but thought/mind/concepts. Logically, if you can't be a story something else must necessarily be what you really are. In other words, every story the mind tells about itself is not the answer to 'Who/what am I really?' Find out directly for yourself what thoughts appear in.

Begin to take notice of that. Notice how thoughts come and go and constantly change, yet something remains fixed, still and ever present that KNOWS thoughts, emotions and perceptions are presently arising. That knowingness of whatever appears is consciousness itself. Pay attention to that rather than remaining fixated on the stories in the mind. At some point the realization will hit you that You are that which sees and knows whatever comes and goes. Then identification with ego will loosen its grip. Over time, as you see more clearly that You are consciousness rather than a parade of stories about 'me' there will be a kind of relaxing back into true nature once you recognize another story has appeared.

Then any 'stories of me' that continue to arise (and they will) will lose their power to keep you fixated on thinking for extended periods of time. In other words, getting lost in thought and identification with me-stories happens less frequently. As one matures into seeing/realizing the presence of consciousness mind activity spontaneously and effortlessly drops away. Mind then becomes a tool to use when necessary and then drop away spontaneously when not essential. Thoughts, when they appear, pull you back into ego identification less and less,

Attention is a function of mind, and mind is a kind of movement. Attention is conditioned to notice movement, both outwardly in the surrounding environment and inwardly toward mind-stream, moods and physical sensations. In effect, the realization of what you are happens when there is a redirection of attention away from an outward focus to an inward direction to the source of mind. That source is still, silent 'knowingness'. More and more 'knowingness' will dominate attention, keeping you consciously anchored in true nature but also open and accepting of whatever might arise. There is no battle fought against whatever appears, only a recognition and allowing of whatever appears.
but I still feel anxiety almost all the time and can't stop thinking that I don't feel like before, that I don't feel present or englightened.
Forget about words like 'enlightened' or 'presence', they are just more concepts, another trap for the mind to get lost in.
I think the problem is that I'm analyzing my thinking and thinking about every thought, and by doing that I'm identifying with someone who is trying to be enlightened.
That's very common. There is no trying involved in being what you already are, only a seeing/recognition/realization of what is currently happening - the 'knowingness' of what's happening and a relaxing back into the stillness and silence of ever present consciousness. That happens naturally and spontaneously, without effort.

Read over this a few times and see if you can feel the truthfulness of this. Take your time and see for yourself in your own experience whether what I've said is true or not. Be alert to judgment or expectation of any kind because that is just more mind activity diverting attention. What you are learning to do is to find the ever-present center in which everything appears. It's not hiding or going anywhere, so be patient with yourself. Finally, in the recognition of true essence there is no declaration that says, "I am enlightened now." There is just self-illuminating consciousness that knows itself.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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Re: Anxiety after being englightened for years

Post by turiya » Thu Mar 11, 2021 10:29 pm

Wonderfully expressed, kiki (as usual)! :D
“We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.” - Wei Wu Wei

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Re: Anxiety after being englightened for years

Post by kiki » Fri Mar 12, 2021 1:08 am

Thank you, turiya.
"Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole ... Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it look beautiful." Elwood P. Dowd
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